The Richmond Times-Dispatch last week unveiled its newest and latest strategy for increasing declining newspaper circulation: providing readers with a Web site so incredibly shitty that people actually return to buying the print edition of the daily newspaper.

Though the print-media industry has struggled to maintain subscribers amid growing competition from the Web, television and other mediums, the Times-Dispatch - and its atrociously shitty new Web site – may be the first mainstream newspaper to uncover a way to buck the trend, Virginia Commonwealth University journalism professor Regina Pirron said.  

She notes the new TimesDispatch.com is complete with audience-alienating blinking ads; early-2000s-era “pop-ups” that include obnoxiously loud audio; and page-loading times that run at dial-up-speeds, even over a high-speed Web connection. 

And, according to some unconfirmed reports, portions of the site also contain news articles.

“The paper is finally getting what it wants: people coming back to the print edition, taking the time to read through it, and making the experience of reading the local news enjoyable once again,” VCU’s Pirron said.  “It’s quite a strategy: Shititize the Web site, and people flock to the tried-and-true print newspaper.”

Added Pirron: “The new TD.com is one ingenius piece of shit.”

Last year, VCU’s Pirron was one of nearly 30,000 Richmond-area residents who cancelled their subscription to the Times-Dispatch.  However, the professor said she plans to renew her subscription effective immediately, a move the company hopes others will follow.

“What we’ve effectively done is replace a decent, usable TimesDispatch.com with a site of the same name that is nearly 30 percent shittier,” said company spokesman Harold Peacock, noting the 158-year-old newspaper’s print subscriptions are on track to reach levels not seen since the 1970s.  “When you refuse to embrace the Internet and develop what we refer to internally to as a ‘Web-based Shitstorm,’ it really has a positive effect on circulation.”

“Think print is dead? Not if we have anything to do with it,” Peacock added.  

In addition to a jump in print subscriptions, the new site has led to a 46 percent increase in computers being tossed from windows due to TimesDispatch.com-browsing-related aggravation; a 72 percent spike in hammer blows to monitors because of TimesDispatch.com-browsing-related frustration; and a 12 percent increase in TimesDispatch.com-browsing-related domestic murder-suicides.

“I’ve been at this for some time, and I gotta say, I think the TV news reporter voice that I’ve matured into over the years works well for me,” said the 32-year-old, known for his wide vocal range during violent crime spots, spot-on phonetics in traffic updates, and Emmy Award-winning pronunciation of both vowels and consonants amid business news reporting segments. 

“Every night around Richmond, people invite CBS 6 into their homes, and it’s really up to me – and the team – to communicate with them in an engaging way, as though they were our friends or family,” Burkett said, “which I truly believe is exactly you get when Jon Burkett vociferates on the screen.”

The Chesterfield County native added that he uses his “news voice” not only during the TV news, but with his dog Max, at drive-thru windows of fast food restaurants, and when drunk dialing ex-girlfriends at 3 a.m.

“It would be so super awesome,” said Sarvay, who since 2002 has written the Buttermilk & Molasses blog, and estimates he could be “picked up” by the media conglomerate for as little as $35,000 a year, plus benefits.  “As you can see on my blog, I’ve been in journalism for several years, and I’ve got the writing and multimedia experience.  My site is pretty well-traveled by local readers, and I truly think I’d make an excellent addition to the MG family.”

Sarvay, who explains that he is able to post nearly 54 updates every hour across his three related blogs, has written in intense detail about everything from downtown development to local and national politics.  The 40-year-old was also quick to note that his acquisition “could really bring something new to the table” and he would become “another voice” at Media General and its hometown newspaper, the Richmond Times-Dispatch.  However, since he calls himself a “news junkie,” he has been quick to criticize both the corporation and its local subsidiary in his past blog posts.

“They’re doing a lot of things right, and even more things wrong,” he said.  “Buying Richmond.com was a good move, but an even better business decision would be bringing me on board.  I’d be MG’s ‘agent for change,’ so to speak.” 

Buttermilk & Molasses has about 2,000 unique visitors and 10,000 page views a month, or about 0.0002 percent of the online Richmond audience, he said.

In addition to his prolific, in-depth commentary on life around Richmond, the self-described “former punk rocker” frequently expresses himself through poetry on his blog, and is an avid photographer, as evidenced by a growing collection of digital family pictures. 

“I mean, when you really look across [my site], I think it’s pretty evident that I’m an ‘all-in-one’ package.  Like three employees in one,” said Sarvay, whose blog also notes that he has interned at the Times-Dispatch, done some “collegiate freelancing” at two national newspapers, and, additionally, reads things.

A spokesperson for Media General said in a short statement that he had never heard of Buttermilk & Molasses, but that the concoction sounded quite disgusting.