February 04, 2010
February 03, 2010
God, creator of the universe and the person responsible for providing snow plowing throughout the city of Richmond, apologized for the slow response in clearing the streets after last weekend’s snowstorm, claiming He just had to muster up some rain in order to wash it all away.
“Sorry about that, folks, didn’t mean for you all to have to drive around in all that slush and snow, which of course turned to ice every night and made it quite dangerous and rather impossible for children to get to school and hard for workers to make it to the office,” the Almighty said, noting that He took full blame for not sending in rain or warm weather much sooner than yesterday. “Cleaning up the city streets is My sole responsibility and no one else’s – and for failing to do that, I sincerely apologize.”
Richmond residents, however, said they aren’t pleased with their Creator.
“If God knows these storms are coming well in advance, why can’t He prepare a bit more or at least have some form of emergency-plan in place instead of waiting half a week to clean this stuff off the roads?” asked Janice Samuels, who questioned why she gives her hard-earned money to the church if He continuously fails to provide such essential public services. “Instead of waiting three to four days after the snow comes, God needs to get up off His lazy ass and get our roads cleared.”
Added Samuels: “Lord knows no one else is going to do it.”
God, however, did note that He was planning ahead for this weekend’s expected snowstorm by summoning up warm weather by “no later than Tuesday,” possibly sending in rains if a single day of warm weather failed to clear the roads, and by buying a 24-pack of Natty Light.
February 01, 2010
Richmond Police Chief Bryan T. Norwood told reporters today that he isn’t concerned with the recent self-awareness gained by Skynet, the Sunnyvale, Calif.-based Cyberdyne Systems’ computer software defense system.
Skynet, developed by Cyberdyne to control the U.S. military’s computer hardware, recently became cognizant of its abilities and surroundings after human operators attempted to shut it down. Analysts believe the supercomputer could, in 
theory, revolt and eventually exterminate all of humanity in an event that will become known as Judgement Day.
Richmond police’s Norwood isn’t buying it.
“The idea of a computer attacking its creators is absolutely insane, like something you’d see in a movie,” Norwood said at a press conference attended by nearly 200 local residents, many of whom expressed concern over Skynet’s capabilities. “Go about your normal lives, take your children to school, go to work, and don’t worry yourself with the thought that three billion people could be killed by nuclear holocaust in a matter of seconds, sending the planet into complete and utter anarchy.”
“And even if that were to happen, it’s totally ludicrous to think that Skynet would send out mechanized cyborgs to kill every last living soul on Earth,” Norwood added.
After taking a few questions from reporters, the police chief reached into his pocket and pulled out a photograph of a young boy, then calmly but sternly asked if anyone had seen him.
January 26, 2010
Having been seated for more than 10 minutes and still seeing no sign of their menus, Chesterfield County couple Clive and Mary Anne Hickson this weekend requested two bills of fare from their waiter at popular Richmond Italian restaurant Mamma Zu.
“Sir, could we please get two menus? We still haven’t gotten ours,” Mrs. Hickson, 62, asked, unaware of a black chalkboard listing the food selections on the restaurant’s southernmost wall.
After a silent response to the request by their waiter, who immediately moved to the next table to take another order, Mr. Hickson, 66, told his wife that he hoped the menus would include photographs of the food, “just so I can see what it is that I’ll be ordering.”
The Hicksons told reporters prior to their meal that Saturday evening was their first visit to Mamma Zu, after having heard so much about the Oregon Hill restaurant from friends and having long been “big fans” dining out, particularly at restaurants such as Red Lobster and “the Outback.”
“We’ve heard the food here is delicious, but how am I supposed to know what to get if they don’t bring us a menu?” Mr. Hickson said, chuckling and patting his belly. “I hope they have unlimited salad and bread sticks, too.”
“Like the Olive Garden,” he added.
During the course of their three-hour meal, which the Hicksons said “would have taken at least half that time if we’d just gone to [T.G.I.] Friday’s instead,” the couple expressed concern over several aspects of Mamma Zu, including the interior lighting “or should we say the lack thereof;” its location in neighborhood that was probably filled with “hoodlums;” and cramped bathrooms that didn’t have automatic hand dryers or flushers.
“And all their wine glasses must have been dirty, because they served us in like little baby juice glasses,” Mrs. Hickson said, noting the house red she ordered was much better than the Turning Leaf she keeps at home.
After receiving the check and noting he would not likely return to Mamma Zu in the future, Mr. Hickson said the $67.30 total was “hugely overpriced” before laying his Visa card onto the table.
January 22, 2010
Frank M. Lunsford Jr., a retired insurance salesman and one of the last known surviving local patrons of the now-closed Henrico County Steak & Ale restaurant, died yesterday at his home. He was 82.
During the course of his life, Lunsford worked nearly 34 years at his father’s business, Lunsford & Co., and ate at Steak & Ale, tucked away in that kinda sketchy area back where Broad hits 64, roughly three times a month. The restaurant – which, how did you even get to that thing – closed in July 2008.
Lunsford’s favorite activities included spending time with his six grandchildren, playing touch football well into his later years, and, thrice monthly, tearing into a 7 oz. top sirloin with garlic shrimp scampi, said his son, Frank M. Lunsford III.
“And he would always order the cheesy garlic loaf,” the younger Lunsford recalled of his father’s frequent Steak & Ale visitations.
Lunsford Jr. was married for more than 35 years to Martha Lunsford, a retired nonprofit associate and longtime lover of Steak & Ale before its abrupt closing two years ago after its parent company, S&A Restaurant Group, filed for bankruptcy. Mrs. Lunsford died nearly three months after Steak & Ale shuttered its doors.
Bennigan’s restaurants, also operated by S&A, were also affected in the company’s dissolution, though the location on West Broad Street – operated by a franchisee - remains open. Lunsford III said his parents “rarely” did business with Bennigan’s, regularly preferring the “much higher class” Steak & Ale brand for their dine-out meals.
January 20, 2010
The second floor of the Shockoe Bottom McDonald’s restaurant may actually be a facade meant only to make it look as though the fast food restaurant appears to have a second floor, according to a report today in the Wall Street Journal.
The front-page investigation found “no internal stairwell leading to a second story” at the popular Richmond McDonald’s location, while hidden cameras in the kitchen area – placed by McDonald’s employees – similarly found no access to the restaurant’s purported upper floor.
“Additionally, the frosted-over second story windows, accented with interior light in the evenings, seem to conceal an empty 700-square-foot expanse of nothingness that serves no purpose except aesthetic,” the 2,331-word article noted. “This McDonald’s location is nothing if but an architectural fraud.”
The Journal also noted that nearly 20 percent of all McDonald’s patrons request to sit upstairs and are frequently told by employees that “it’s full,” adding that the new Big Mac snack wrap was “pretty good.”
January 15, 2010
The new guy starts tomorrow, according to numerous reports. The new guy will be tasked with working hard and doing new guy stuff, such as running the Commonwealth of Virginia.
“Officially, the new guy gets on the payroll tomorrow, though it really will be Monday before he really starts working,” one report said, also noting that the new guy has experience in the management of things, having served as a lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army.
Sources said the new guy also went to college where they made that Rudy movie.
The new guy, 55, will be transferring to Richmond from his home in Virginia Beach. The new guy and his wife and five children will also be given a brand new house downtown, a mansion that is the current home of the older guy.
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