August 10, 2010
Despite how awesome it looks when good guys or bad guys do it in westerns and action movies, single-handed shotgun cockings have witnessed a dramatic drop across the city during the past year, dismayed law enforcement officials reported today.
While cocking a shotgun typically requires two hands to execute, incidents of the single-handed version of the shotgun reload – which totally looks sweeter – fell 43 percent from the same period last year, police said. Officials also said occurrences of “holding guns sideways like gangsters do” fell 22 percent, while “pistol-whipping a dude in the face” fell 14 percent and “shooting machine guns off the hip” dropped 32 percent from this time last year.
“We are thankful that criminals have gone into hiding and that fewer lives are being lost to gun crime,” said Richmond Police spokesman Donald Nagle. “Still, that people aren’t dual-wielding guns, diving for cover behind wooden crates and shooting at the same time, or detaching the magazine and reloading them in mid-air like you’d see in The Matrix or something is rather unfortunate.”
“We’d love to see more Keanu-style cartwheels where the shooters simultaneously grab rifles up off the ground,” he added.
Nagle noted that while “all the cool things besides shooting” that can be done with guns have been on the decline, he has it on good authority that bazooka-related incidents are making a comeback.
August 05, 2010
The incoming lane does not stop, sources confirmed today.
“The incoming lane does not stop,” the source added, double checking all three incoming lanes just to be sure. “Yep, the incoming lane does not stop.”
Repeated the source: “The incoming lane does not stop.”
The incoming lane – which has not stopped since its opening on September 17, 2003 – will continue to not stop for well into the future, the source added. Despite signage indicating that the incoming lane does not stop, many people have chosen to stop, much to the dismay of others who know full well that the incoming lane is to continue moving forward.
According to the source, seriously, what the hell, how hard is this to figure out?
August 03, 2010
July 29, 2010
A four-alarm fire in Henrico County’s West End devastated a three-bedroom home there last night, displacing a family of five and destroying their Stuffed Cougar cookbook.
Henrico battalion chief Richard Shore told reporters that the house in Short Pump’s Rolling Fox Creek neighborhood was a total loss, and said the same of the family’s 1973 cookbook sold by Collegiate School, now a staple in homes across the region.
Shore said that he did not know the value of the damage to the house and its contents, though he recalled that you can buy a Stuffed Cougar – filled with nearly 300 delicious, home-cooked recipes – for around $15 these days. The family is staying at nearby relative’s house, although it is unclear whether it contains the beloved Richmond cookbook that is dedicated “to people who love to eat.”
“By the time we arrived at the home late last night it was too late. However, the entire family was able to get out safely,” Shore said. “I only hope they recall how to make that beef stew, which my mother still makes for us kids today.”
“If not, we recommend they visit a local bookstore and buy another,” he added.
The fire was first reported at 4 a.m. and was brought under control by 7 a.m. this morning. Shore said the cause was still being determined, but appears to be tied to a grease fire that began while cooking the Stuffed Cougar’s Chicken Divan.
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Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
