June 19, 2009
Virginia First Lady Anne Holton told reporters this morning that she has now seen the new comedy The Hangover three times and can’t stop gushing about the box office hit with friends and family members.
“I have to admit that going into it, I wasn’t expecting much because I hadn’t seen a lot of previews,” said Holton, wife of Virginia Gov. Timothy M. Kaine, daughter of former governor A. Linwood Holton Jr., and self-described “huge fan” of R-rated comedies. “But from beginning to end, the movie was flat-out hilarious. The story was great, the script was top notch, and [actor] Bradley Cooper is just so hot and fun to watch. I loved every minute of it.”
The film chronicles a Las Vegas bachelor party gone wrong when three friends awake with no memory of the night before and a missing groom, who is supposed to get married the next day. Holton, a mother of three, said that while she “would never let myself” get into situations such as those seen in the Warner Bros. film, “it sure made for one heck of a funny-ass movie.”
“The way in which you didn’t actually see the bachelor party, but only witness the crazy aftermath, really set it apart from other Vegas or bachelor party-type of movies,” said Holton, who graduated magna cum laude from Princeton University and went on to earn a degree from Harvard Law School. “When you first see the destroyed suite and that Fat Jesus guy goes into the bathroom and is peeing and then sees a tiger in the bathroom, and then looks away, and then finally realizes there’s a frigging tiger in the bathroom, I just laughed and laughed. And then came those end credits, oh man were they good.”
Added Holton: “Me and T
im really thought we were going to lose it.”
Holton said she saw the movie last Saturday with her husband; attended a Monday matinee with her children; and did “a girl’s night” last night with friends. The 51-year-old said the direction Todd Phillips, best known for the films Old School and Road Trip, carried The Hangover for a full 100 minutes of “all out laughs,” regardless of a “semi-lame” scene where the protagonists are tazed by young children.
“I guess in these sophomoric comedies you’re going to get a few guys getting kicked – or in this case, shocked - in the nuts, but I don’t think it took away from the movie as a whole,” said Holton, who for years has worked tirelessly to improve the welfare of Virginia’s children and families. ”I applaud Phillips and the writers for their vision on this one. Great, great stuff.”
Holton, who leads the nonprofit organization For Keeps to promote the placement of older foster children, said “the dumb fat one” in the movie was her hands-down favorite character.
“Zach Galifianakis, or however you say his last name, is going to be the next big thing in Hollywood comedy, mark my words,” she said. “Some of his scenes in his film will go down in motion picture history, you can count on that.”
Gov. Kaine said that while he “thoroughly enjoyed” The Hangover, his approval of it is perhaps not to the level of his wife of 25 years.
“Anne has always been big into this type of humor and film genre,” Kaine said, noting Holton forced her would-be husband to the premiere of Animal House in 1978. “Though, I can’t say that I’m looking forward to this summer when she drags me to her second favorite kind of movie: Transformers.”
June 18, 2009
It gets hot in Virginia’s capital. We all know that. With temperatures and energy costs both expected to reach record highs this summer, here are a few tips for staying cool on the cheap:
The human body’s nominal internal temperature is a balmy 98.6 degrees. Remove the crotch and seat from your pants to prevent any heat buildup.
Air conditioning technology took a huge leap forward after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, when a fan was rigged to blow ice-chilled air over his deathbed to keep him comfortable 
during his final hours. Try assassinating someone and see what kind of neat ideas his or her loved ones come up with.
To shield yourself from the heat, wear lots of heavy black clothing.
Not only does an in-ground pool offer respite from the heat whenever you want it, it also sends the message to your neighbors with above-ground pools that you are, in fact, better than them.
Keep your meth lab well-ventilated, as those Bunsen burners tend to put out a lot of heat.
You know that one homeless guy with the beard who always wears that same blue hoodie whenever you see him, even if it’s, like, 100 degrees outside? Ask him how he does it.
I don’t care what you do. Just don’t touch the goddamn thermostat.
Alcohol will dehydrate you, but on the flip side, it makes life way more interesting, so drink a lot of it.
Put a short stack of pancakes on your head and douse your body in maple syrup. It won’t make you cooler, but it’ll be really, really funny looking.
Remember to run a Coke outside every half hour or so to your six-month-old son, who you left in the car so you could catch a matinee without having to deal with his fidgeting and screaming the whole time.
If you live in the Fan, have yourself a chuckle, because, you know, fans keep things cool, and it’s a homonym.
You think this is bad? I just got back from fucking Iraq, pal. It’s hot enough there to vaporize your piss before it hits the ground, pussy.
Become acquainted with a couple locked in a loveless marriage and cool yourself in the frigid, acrimonious air wafting about them wherever they go.
Why don’t you start by taking off that blouse, honey?
June 17, 2009
In the latest local blow to the struggling newspaper industry, Richmond alternative newspaper Style Weekly said today that it has laid off two of its most popular vending machines, both located in the second-floor break room.
The roughly 600-pound vending machines – well-known among the 30-employee Style staff for the provision of both Lay’s snacks and Coca-Cola products – were seen being removed from the newspaper’s 1313 East Main St. headquarters late yesterday. Style editor Jason Roop said staffers had been “blatantly overusing” the snack and soda machines for several years, meaning less time was spent working on articles and advertisements for the 26-year-old publication.
“Unfortunately, these moves were difficult but necessary in order to improve our operational efficiencies and ensure that our readers get more of the content they deserve from the weekly paper,” Roop said. “This is particularly hard for me, as I recently switched from Diet Coke to Coke Zero to cut back on both caloric intake and sugars, and I will certainly miss the Bar-B-Q chips around 3 o’clock every day.”
“But these are the sacrifices we have to make,” Roop said, noting the “one upside” was that there would be no more money lost when you hit A4 on the snack machine, and then it only works half the time, and then you have to start shaking the machine and rocking it back and forth, but it’s so heavy that you typically have to call in a co-worker to help you get your chips out of the machine, but the stupid bag just leans against the glass and won’t fall down, and then someone else comes into the break room after you, and also hits A4, and then they get two bags of chips and don’t even bother to give you the bag that you basically bought for them, those jerks.
The changes are the latest of the paper’s cuts. Last year, a judge found Style liable for slicing the fingers of 24 local residents who picked up the publication the wrong way.
June 16, 2009
Starting this week, those heading to Richmond’s scenic Canal Walk may notice something new along the picturesque path: ‘No Running’ signs.
The warnings have been put up by Richmond’s Parks, Recreation and Community Facilities Department to combat the growing epidemic of physical activity along the 10-year-old city walkway. Those caught running or moving at speeds greater than 3.5 miles per hour along the 1.25-mile pathway may be fined up to $200 per offense, the department said.
“Look, this isn’t the Canal Run, it’s the Canal Walk,” said John R. Pope Jr., director of parks and recreation department. “There are gyms and treadmills for that sort of thing. We’re simply trying to preserve our leisurely Southern pace along the James River, so let’s all slow it down a bit and take it easy out there.”
Accepted along the Canal Walk, he said, is any form of strolling, meandering and prancing, including at least four different forms of strides. Any type of run, jog, “and especially trot” is strictly prohibited, he said.
Many city residents said they were not pleased with the new ordinance. Rebecca Mundelson, a Virginia Commonwealth University student and avid runner, said she has long enjoyed the scenic beauty and natural wildlife that the city’s historic waterway offers.
“I thought they put the Canal Walk there for folks like me, who want to get out and exercise and enjoy the outdoors,” the 20-year-old said. “But I guess this isn’t all that bad, because I can just stay in and get in more TV and snacks during the evenings.”
For the most part, runners and joggers have largely ignored the notices, and aren’t dismayed by Pope’s hiding behind the bushes and shouting “No running!” as they pass.
June 15, 2009
NOT REALLY ORLANDO, FLA. – Looking to save money in a down economy, Chesterfield County parents Greg and Andrea McGlaughlin convinced their three young children on Saturday that a 30-minute ride north to Kings Dominion was actually a week-long trip to the Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Fla.
Throughout the course of the seven-hour visit to the Doswell amusement park, the McGlaughlin’s successfully led their children believe that the former Smurf 
Mountain was Disney World’s iconic Space Mountain, and that the SpongeBob SquarePants and Scooby-Doo mascots were Mickey Mouse and Pluto, respectively.
Each hour was also said to be a full day, as the young and peurile children have no concept of time.
“Here it is, kids, the place where dreams come true,” 42-year-old patriarch Greg convinced children Katie, 5, and Thomas, 6, as the family of four entered the fairly-thrilling gates of the 400-acre park.
“Look over there, guys, it’s Cinderella’s castle,” he added, pointing to the 1/3-scale Eiffel Tower replica.
Wife Andrea said they got the idea for taking their children to Kings Dominion after both agreed that a trip to Florida for a week with two small kids would not only be expensive – they estimate savings at roughly $2,600 – but also “a giant pain in our asses.”
“When you have small children and are trying to raise a family, particularly in this economy, you’re always looking for ways to save money,” Mrs. McGlaughlin said. “We find that bald-face lies work best.”
Greg also noted that he was “relieved” to see that the 400-acre Kings Dominion had a “tea cup-like” ride, similar to the iconic Mad Hat Party spinning children’s attraction at the largest amusement park in the world.
Thomas, a kindergartner at Bon Air Elementary, said he was thrilled to finally get to go to Disney World for the first time, and couldn’t wait to see how his horrible parents would fabricate their way into taking him to the Kennedy Space Center.
June 11, 2009
Officials are urging Richmond residents to remain calm in the wake of a log-like clump bobbing in the James River, which has now been confirmed as “just a Baby Ruth bar.”
The 50-foot long, two-story high block of chocolate-covered peanuts, caramel and nougat floated down the James late yesterday, and is currently wallowing in the low river waters near downtown.
Its source is unknown.
“We definitely did not think it was just a candy bar at first, that’s for sure,” said Richmond Lt. Fire Marshal Michael M. Strickland, who led patrol boats into the James to take samples of the brown, log-like chunky clump of what turned out to be an extremely large version of the popular Nestle candy bar.
“It is actually very, very delicious. I had a small bite of it myself,” said Strickland, dressed in a white HAZMAT suit.
At approximately 3:30 p.m. yesterday, emergency officials received calls from at least 20 people sunbathing on the rocks off Belle Isle, reporting what appeared to be “something I don’t want to even describe, I’ll leave it to your imaginations,” he said.
He explained that the sweet object was initially discovered by a snorkeler who swam upon what he did not realize at the time was simply a giant candy bar. The young man then screamed “something inaudible,” the fire lieutenant said, causing many of those on the James to panic and flee from the shores of the summertime hangout spot in horror.
Officials said they plan to drain the river in its entirety today and scrub down its bed, just to ensure the James is safe to play in once again.
June 10, 2009
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Virginia First Lady Can’t Stop Talking About ‘The Hangover’
Virginia First Lady Anne Holton told reporters this morning that she has now seen the new comedy The Hangover three times and can't stop gushing about the box office hit with friends and family members.
"I have to admit that going ...
