November 4, 2008
Undecided Voter Casts Vote For The Scrambled Eggs
Though he remains unsure of which presidential candidate to vote for today, Henrico County resident and undecided voter Adam Morsey, when faced with the meal-changing choice, decided to have his eggs scrambled at a local diner.
The election to have his eggs beaten, sprinkled with cheese, and cooked over a hot pan came nearly a half-second after a waitress at Karen’s Diner asked whether the 26-year-old would like his eggs “over easy,” “sunny side up,” “scrambled,” or “poached.” Morsey admitted that the decision to cast his vote for scrambled was an easy one, unlike committing to candidate Barack Obama, John McCain or one of the several third- or fourth-party candidates.
“Each of the candidates sounds like they are promising ‘the best’ things for me, and I’m really not sure which one to believe,” Morsey said. “But when you really get down to it, the choice to go scrambled is simple, in that it will allow me to create an entirely new breakfast sandwich with the bacon, give my body a new source of energy from the protein, and secure the borders of the pancakes by not having juicy yolk spill all over the plate.”
Morsey said if he couldn’t decide on a candidate by the time the polls close and he fails to vote, he would fulfill his civic duty as an American by, as the 15th Amendment says, “jumping headfirst from the roof of the tallest building one can find.”
November 3, 2008
Mayor Candidate Dwight Jones Upset His Campaign Bobbleheads Didn’t Arrive Before Election Day
November 3, 2008
Lawrence Williams Temporarily Forgets He’s Running For Mayor
‘Oh Shit!’ underdog candidate reportedly says
Richmond mayoral candidate Lawrence E. Williams temporarily forgot that he is running for mayor, sources reported today, s
ending the political hopeful “into a tizzy” at a downtown cafe earlier this afternoon.
Seen with co-workers during lunch at Relish, the 56-year-old architect was overheard discussing the presidential race, his weekend outing on his sailboat, and the fact that he “couldn’t believe” that Christmas commercials had already begun, the sources said. After someone at the table began talking about the state of the current Richmond mayoral election, the long-shot victor dropped his turkey sandwich and rose from his chair, flustered.
“Oh shit!” Williams reportedly shouted, throwing his hands on his head and instantly realizing his momentary lapse in remembering things. “I had campaign posters and everything! Oh, and shit, I gotta make a ton of phone calls! And the TV commercials I’d been preparing! Shit!“
Added Williams: “Shit, shit, shit!”
The sources added that architect hasn’t been this forgetful since the time in 2003 when he overlooked designing ceilings in a Chesterfield County building.
November 3, 2008
Robert Grey Putting Finishing Touches On Kick-Ass Victory Playlist
Richmond mayoral candidate Robert J. Grey spent the majority of his Sunday finalizing his iPod’s kick-ass “VICTORY” playlist, to be heard only if he emerges as the winner in tomorrow’s election.
“I’ve got s
ome great stuff on here, no doubt,” Grey said, noting he was sure to spell the playlist’s name in all upper-case letters so that it would stand out among his other self-made compilations, such as “Shower,” “Run,” and “Sad Times.”
The career attorney said he planned to lead off his list of kick-ass songs with Metallica’s “Enter Sandman,” with the reason being that it is same tune heard as the Virginia Tech Hokies take the football field. “It works well in this case because it’ll really pump up the crowd before I emerge from behind the curtain onto the stage,” the 58-year-old said.
After the first minute or so of the popular 1991 Metallica song, Grey said he hopes to connect with his throngs of younger supporters by playing such Billboard Top 100 hits as T.I.’s “Whatever You Like” and Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.”
“Gotta love the Coldplay,” Grey said, assuring reporters that he has been a longtime fan of the British alt-rock band. “That song, in particular, is about living a new life, or living through change, or something like that, and has a great background beat that will sound just spectacular as I thank volunteers for their hard work, and discuss our city of the future.”
Toward the end of his expected 5-minute-long victory speech, Grey said he plans to “fade into” Van Halen’s “Right Now,” a ballad that he says captures the essence of his campaign, both in living for the moment - and not being afraid of change.
“It’s going to be new day for Richmond,” he said, “and one hell of a playlist.”
The candidate noted that while it took him nearly eight hours to pull together “VICTORY,” he has yet to begin drafting his kick-ass acceptance speech.
October 31, 2008
Area Blogger Hoping Media General Buys Him Next
Hours after Media General Inc. announced the purchase of local news Web site Richmond.com, city blogger John F. Sarvay told reporters that he “really, really hopes” the Fortune 500 company buys him next.
“It would be s
o super awesome,” said Sarvay, who since 2002 has written the Buttermilk & Molasses blog, and estimates he could be “picked up” by the media conglomerate for as little as $35,000 a year, plus benefits. “As you can see on my blog, I’ve been in journalism for several years, and I’ve got the writing and multimedia experience. My site is pretty well-traveled by local readers, and I truly think I’d make an excellent addition to the MG family.”
Sarvay, who explains that he is able to post nearly 54 updates every hour across his three related blogs, has written in intense detail about everything from downtown development to local and national politics. The 40-year-old was also quick to note that his acquisition “could really bring something new to the table” and he would become “another voice” at Media General and its hometown newspaper, the Richmond Times-Dispatch. However, since he calls himself a “news junkie,” he has been quick to criticize both the corporation and its local subsidiary in his past blog posts.
“They’re doing a lot of things right, and even more things wrong,” he said. “Buying Richmond.com was a good move, but an even better business decision would be bringing me on board. I’d be MG’s ‘agent for change,’ so to speak.”
Buttermilk & Molasses has about 2,000 unique visitors and 10,000 page views a month, or about 0.0002 percent of the online Richmond audience, he said.
In addition to his prolific, in-depth commentary on life around Richmond, the self-described “former punk rocker” frequently expresses himself through poetry on his blog, and is an avid photographer, as evidenced by a growing collection of digital family pictures.
“I mean, when you really look across [my site], I think it’s pretty evident that I’m an ‘all-in-one’ package. Like three employees in one,” said Sarvay, whose blog also notes that he has interned at the Times-Dispatch, done some “collegiate freelancing” at two national newspapers, and, additionally, reads things.
A spokesperson for Media General said in a short statement that he had never heard of Buttermilk & Molasses, but that the concoction sounded quite disgusting.
October 31, 2008
Local Third Graders Apologize To Substitute Teacher
An area third grade class prepared written apologies yesterday for their new substitute teacher, Jared Phelps, who spent one afternoon filling in for full-time teacher Mrs. Heddle after she abruptly resigned her position at the elementary school earlier this week.
Third-grader Will Irwin, a spokesman for the 17-child class, acknowledged that “we took advantage of Mr. Phelps’s inexperience, and our criticism toward him was in no way justified by his inability to summarize the plot of any of the High Sch
ool Musical” series of Walt Disney movies.
Ranging from ages 8 to 9, the third graders crafted a hand-written apology to Phelps when prompted by school administrators. The students said they planned to behave much better the next time he came to the school, and were “extremely sorry” for their behavior, in particular, not listening to Phelps’ instructions, talking too loudly, running an illegal off-track betting operation during a science lesson, wrestling, manufacturing fake voter registration cards, singing songs with explicit lyrics during music time, failing to remain seated when the lights were turned off, and BASE jumping off of desks.
Also, by writing the letters, the pupils believed that they have “minimized the risk” that Principal Carter will make good on his threat of no recess for the rest of the week.
Phelps told reporters that he will no longer accept substitute teaching jobs, and has contemplated leaving his wife and newborn son just to be certain he will not be responsible for watching a third grade student ever again.
October 30, 2008
Vol 1. Issue 3
Available now at all area Ukrop’s stores, 7-Elevens, and 3rd Street Diners.
October 30, 2008
If You Be Me For Halloween, Then I Blow The Hospital
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you for once in your petty, insignificant lives.
Help me understand. Do you think that…and I don’t mean to be rude…do you think that I…do you think that I look like this because I choose to? You think that because, because…because I look this way that I, uh, like this look? What are you, insane?
I find it kinda…
weird…I guess, that you would want to be me for Halloween night. It’s offensive, really. So let me tell you something, want to hear? I’ll make this simple: If you go as me tomorrow, so much as try, then I blow up the hospital. I’m giving you sixty minutes to make up your mind.
Easy. As. That.
Look, we’re all freaks on some level. Inside or out. My freakishness just so happens to be on the outside, making for a bit of an impediment with some folks. But I’m not a monster. I’m just a little…eccentric. You might say. I mean, look at you. Where’dya get that costume of me, some seasonal Halloween store? You spent $30 on some phony mask and a cheap purple jacket? You think I’d, that I’d, that I’d wear that crap? You don’t think I can, uh, I can afford something…nicer?
I mean, did you even see The Dark Knight, you weasel? Practically everyone and their goldfishies did. It made, like, almost a billion dollars, and what, you don’t think I got my fair share of that? Hell, I took it all after I offed the director, gassed the set and threw Commissioner Gordon off a balcony.
So why you gotta dress up as me? Seriously. I’m not…not crazy. Spare my dignity. And the hospital.
What, do you think I look scary with these scars…is, is that it? You think that, that, that I was born like this? You’re silly. You wanna know how I got these scars? Let me explain something to you. My father was a bit of a drinker. And one night he goes off on me, a bit crazier than typical. He gets the kitchen knife and takes it to mom, cackling as he does it, then turns on me, and…hey! Why that serious look on your face? You scared?
Why so serious?
Laugh a little, c’mon. Why do you think they call me The Joker? Let’s put a smile on that face! I’m nothing to be afraid of. Not totally, at least…look, I got a better idea for you, kid. Instead of having your mommy make you some lame green wig and a clown-looking scarred-up mask…you’d cut your own face if you weren’t such a coward…why don’t you play dress-up as the Batman? Just think about all those sick and dying patients who are counting on you not to go out trick-or-treating as me.
Of course, you’re probably so unoriginal you’ll just go as Joe The Plumber. Surely, ladies and gentlemen, we won’t be seeing any of those out tomorrow!
Ah-Ha! Ah-Ha! Ah-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
October 29, 2008
Va. Election Officials Unprepared For Velociraptor Attack
Huge voter turnout? Check. Paper ballots just in case of electronic problems? Check. Ample protection against the threat of a pack of dinosaurs attacking and killing throngs of voters?
Don’t count on it.
Despite ardent clai
ms that they are prepared for a heavy turnout or technical difficulties on Tuesday, officials at the Virginia Board of Elections said today that they are “extremely concerned” about the lack of voter protection against an unanticipated attack by velociraptors.
Raptors, prominent during the later years of the Cretaceous Period, may still run rampant in packs throughout parts of Virginia, experts say. The bipedal dinosaur - which ranges in size from that of a turkey to an ostrich - can be distinguished by its upturned snout, razor-sharp talons on its hind legs, and violent aggression toward Election Day voters waiting patiently in line, oblivious to the looming threat of a dromaeosaurid assault.
“When preparing for this Tuesday, we put a wonderful system in place that ensures every precinct in the state has enough voting machines per registered voter, and paper ballots as backup,” said Maryann Whitaker, spokeswoman for the Board of Elections. “Nonetheless, should a herd of these vicious carnivores move through Virginia on Nov. 4 and storm any of our polling stations, well then, may God help us all.”
Though the state budgeted nearly $5.6 million for voting-equipment upgrades and other resources this year, none of that funding went toward construction of high-voltage fencing around polling places or large-bore ammunition to stop the invasion by the fast-moving dinosaurs, which are able to instantly fell persons fulfilling their civic duty with either of their distinctive, sickle-shaped claws.
Thankfully, while polling stations are still open to a raptor strike, the budget did earmark dollars for nearly 3,000 gallon tubs of margarine, 7,000 dozen eggs and 19,000 boxes of Bisquick to serve pancakes to the first 400 voters at each polling precinct.
October 28, 2008
Krispy Kreme Launches Doughnut Delivery, Open-Heart Surgery Services
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. yesterday launched a new delivery and open-heart surgery service in Richmond, bringing the hot delicatessen treats to doorsteps around the region and providing free cardiac bypass operations to patients who order 20 dozen doughnuts or more each month.
The pilot program, called the Krispy Kreme Coronary Express, began this month in Central Virginia. The service focuses 
cus on both corporate clients and obese customers greater than 300 pounds who are in need of at least four dozen Original Glazed a month, thereby putting them at risk for congestive heart failure.
“It has been Krispy Kreme’s mission from the start to provide our customers with some of the highest-quality doughnuts available,” said Kevin McBride, a franchisee who runs the local service. “And being the responsible corporate citizen that we are, we want to make sure that we stand by our customers’ sides after they put away an entire box or two of hot glazed doughnuts, which is why our delivery drivers all have extensive training with defibrillators and on-the-spot quintuple-bypass surgeries.”
Drivers have already made nearly 100 deliveries in the metro region and saved more than 40 doughnut-eater’s lives, McBride said. While deliveries are only made on orders of at least three dozen, the purchase of five dozen or more will get Krispy Kreme patients a free “Hot Now” diabetes test kit.
October 27, 2008
Man Narrowly Survives First Vegetarian Meal
Stranded for nearly three hours at the table of a Richmond vegetarian restaurant, local man Tim Padgett told “The Today Show” this morning that he survived the excruciating meal by eating a variety of non-meat-based foods, and chasing the leftover hunger with copious amounts of beer.
The 28-year-
old’s harrowing ordeal, which “Today” host Matt Lauer called “a remarkable story of courage and will to get satiated in hunger,” began to unfold just shortly after 6 p.m. on Saturday evening, when a group of friends decided to dine at downtown restaurant Ipanema Cafe. Padgett, who was among the circle of eight friends, said he “wasn’t opposed to the restaurant pick, but didn’t really know what to think going into it.”
Named one of the 50 best restaurants in Richmond for three years running by Style Weekly, Ipanema, Padgett noted, somehow - for reasons unknown by Padgett - manages to serve only vegan and vegetarian dishes “and no meats, if you can believe that, and that includes not even any damned chicken.”
“I ordered a smoked Gouda panini, which was good and I guess tasted a lot like grilled cheese,” said the banking analyst, who would have preferred his dinner included a bowl of meat chili, or possibly a foot-long Italian sausage smothered in meat pasta sauce. “I mistakenly gained a lot of hope when I read on the menu ‘BBQ seitan,’ thinking it was like a barbecue sandwich. But then the waitress told me ’seitan’ was vegetarian-speak for ‘wheat meat.’”
“That’s when I really thought I wasn’t going to make it,” added Padgett, visibly shaken and fighting to hold back tears.
As Padgett finished his appetizer - the “surprisingly good” zucchini fritters doused in a honey mustard sauce - he realized his only option for hunger survival would be to drink several bottles of Bud Light, a product that does not contain beef and is enjoyed by vegetarians and carnivores alike for its intoxicating and stomach-filling effects. “Seeing the beer on the menu, I knew I was going to be okay,” he said.
Padgett said his dining situation wasn’t quite as dire than the time in 2005 when he was forced to go to an area Bullet’s drive-thru, and instead chose to eat several species of insects for protein.
October 24, 2008
Vol 1. Issue 2
Available now at all area Ukrop’s stores, 7-Elevens, and 3rd Street Diners.
October 23, 2008
Pantele Wonders If He’s ‘It’ After Being Tagged On Facebook
RICHMOND - Moments after a friend tagged a picture of him on Facebook yesterday, city mayoral candidate William J. Pantele asked younger campaign staffers whether such an action meant that he was “It,” sources said.
“I’m still so new to this whole Facebook thing - what does tagging mean? So I’m like, ‘It,’ now, right?” Pantele asked two twenty-something campaign workers. Sources said the 49-year-old attorney, who created a personal Facebook account in April, was “completely unaware” that tagging is simply the process of assigning a name to a face - within a picture - on the social-networking tool.
Nonetheless, the mayoral candidate stood frozen in place after being Facebook tagged, hoping for someone to crawl between his legs so he could start running around again.
“And then he was wondering if he could chase down the person who tagged him, or if he had to tag someone new. It was pretty humorous,” said Rory Quinn, a 25-year-old Pantele campaign staffer who has been using Facebook for nearly five years. “It was when he came up to me and slapped me on the arm and told me ‘no backsies times infinity’ that I had to step in and explain how tagging works.”
Increasing the confusion of how the metadata technology operates were some of Pantele’s old college friends having recently tagged him as a lamp shade, the Sears Tower, and a baby seal.
October 22, 2008
Goldman Drops Out Of Mayor Race, Returns To Home Planet
Paul Goldman dropped out of the Richmond mayoral race yesterday and backed his opponent, a shocking announcement that came nearly three hours before he strapped a rocket onto his body, said his goodbyes, and began the 17 light-year journey back to his home planet of Goldtron.
“Citizens of Richmond, I can no longer campaign for mayor of this city knowing that my governance abilities are needed in my homeland,” said Goldman, a former senior adviser to Mayor L. Douglas Wilder known for his one-liners, quirky demeanor and for being a daredevil adventurer from another planet. “I have truly enjoyed my time here, but I must move on.”
Added Goldman: “Klaatu barada nikto hanakanaat.”
Before his takeoff and breathtaking ascent skyward at nearly 1,400 miles per hour, Goldman, dressed in a red-and-black jumpsuit, gave his endorsement to mayoral candidate Dwight C. Jones in a 15-minute press conference. Goldman - who led the charge to revert Richmond charter back to an elected-mayor form of government - said that Goldtron was similarly in need of a leader to help establish a Quandu (Goldtroni for “city”) charter that would allow for the election of a Yrhmung (or “mayor”).
“Don’t be sad, ladies and gentleman, there are many great things waiting for me back on Goldtron, which being a plasma-based planet full of poisonous gasses, is incapable of supporting human life,” the 62-year-old told a small assembled crowd of citizens and media, before flipping a trigger that began his launch. “It’s also nearly 100 trillion miles away, so speak up now if you want to vote for the only ca
ndidate who has the experience needed to create a world-class educational system for our children.”
“Anyone? You over there? No? No? Okay,” he said.
With a loud, thunderous clap, Goldman slowly rose from the launchpad, continuing to explain that he was the only one of the five candidates with a “proven record” who could give Richmond the fundamental change it so desperately needs, and began to quickly gain altitude and velocity. At nearly 7,000 feet, Goldman’s ascent began to deviate from its straight trajectory, gently curving, and several loud sonic booms were heard as he approached nearly three times the speed of sound.
Then, he was gone.
However, Goldman has promised that, should Goldtron ever, say, explode into trillions of pieces as the result of a thermonuclear chain reaction deep within the planet’s unstable Goldtronite core, he would be sure to put his only son, Gol-El, on a ship bound for Earth to save humanity.
