February 17, 2010
Sources today confirmed that yet another horrible thing has taken place on Jefferson Davis Highway, a stretch of road in South Richmond largely known for the horrible things that take place there.
The highly illegal, horrible act happened early this morning, as is the case for pretty much all of the highly illegal, horrible things that occur in that area.
“This is just horrible, horrible, but really not unlike the types of horrible things we’ve seen in the days and weeks before on The JDH,” said Richmond police lieutenant Brandon Shearin, who will likely be seen discussing the horrible thing on the news later tonight.
Horrible things are up 12 percent on the Jeff Davis Highway over this time last year, which had the lowest horrible thing rate in nearly a decade. Horrible things on Jeff Davis still haven’t reached horrible thing levels from 1999, however, when police had to respond almost nightly to some seriously sick shit.
February 16, 2010
Researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University today released a 1,500-page study that offers new insight into the widely-held theory that, if it were possible, a full-scale dinosaur attack on the state capital would be wicked awesome.
The study, to be published next month in Proceedings of the National Academy of Archeology, interviewed 1,394 residents in the metro Richmond area, all of whom echoed that they would be “shocked but nonetheless fascinated” if dinosaurs somehow came back to life, became enraged, and tore a swath of destruction throughout Central Virginia.
Of those interviewed, 39 percent described the scenario of a pack of velociraptors storming an office building as “totally frigging sweet,” while nearly 17 percent of respondents noted that the sight of a coordinated pterodactyl assault on a high-rise – the winged reptiles of course using their beaks and claws to pull unsuspecting people from their offices and throw them to the ground, but not before tossing them around in mid-air between one another – would be “breathtaking.”
The remainder of those polled, roughly 54 percent of Richmonders, said that even witnessing a herbivorous and non-dangerous brontosaurus crush vehicles with its feet and damage buildings with its huge-ass tail would be “spectacular.”
The study’s margin of error was plus or minus zero.
“Just think about it: Say 
you’re downtown at lunchtime, then all the sudden people’s drinks start shaking and the ground begins thumping like that scene when they’re in the SUVs in Jurassic Park, and out of nowhere a giant T-Rex comes around the corner and maybe flips some cars over or something, and starts roaring and going completely apeshit and eating everyone in sight,” said Henry M. Saville, a VCU archeology professor who has been studying the epic dopeness of dinosaur attacks on metropolitan areas for nearly three decades. “Sure, people would die, but think of how worth it a few deaths would be if we could see the Marines and Air Force come in and take the dinosaurs down with rockets and grenades and jet missiles and stuff.”
“And of course there would be tons of fire coming from those .50-caliber guns you see mounted on the top of Hummers,” he added, mimicing the shooting action with his arms.
Despite the high demand for a dinosaur attack in the middle of the crowded city, some area residents – apparently unaware that dinosaurs have natural body armor and horns and run wicked fast and are super smart, like even smarter than dolphins - aren’t so sure about how holy crapping sweet an attack by the long-extinct animals would be.
“It might be neat to see dinosaurs alive, but having them actually attack us would be horrifying,” said Teresa Martin, who seems like a total wuss and who would obviously be killed or eaten because she doesn’t have a plan in place for surviving a dinosaur invasion.
However, when told she may be able to operate a flamethrower in order to fend off onrushing raptors, the 38-year-old said, “I’m in.”
February 12, 2010
Tobacco Avenue reporter Heather Hart today said she was having difficulty writing an article about Nutzy, the Richmond Flying Squirrels’ new mascot, and how its name bears a striking resemblance to the German organization responsible for the extermination of 6 million Jews.
“There’s really no getting around it: ‘Nutzy’ sounds like ‘Nazi.’ The mascot even has [the Third Reich's] colors of red and black,” Hart said, frustrated with how to convey such a controversial yet humorous similarity in a news story without offending anyone. “Who is running the Flying Squirrels’ marketing department, anyway? Let me guess: Joseph Gerbils?”
Additionally, Hart said, the Flying
Squirrels’ logo with outstretched arms clearly appears to be giving the Nazi salute, used in the 1940s as a means of showing subservience to Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, widely regarded as one of the worst human beings of all time.
“I mean look, Superman flew with outstretched arms, and no one called him Hitler. People dive into pools with outstretched arms, and nobody thinks swimmers hate Jews,” Hart said. “I’m sure the Flying Squirrels having nothing against Jewish people…But a mascot named Nutzy, with the Z instead of an S, painted colors matching that of the Nazis, and an angry look on the mascot’s face? It’s rather questionable.”
The reporter did say she was looking forward to “having a little fun” with the story’s lede, or first sentence, in order to capture the attention of readers.
“I’ve been toying with calling the player who hits the most home runs on the Squirrels a ‘Big Hitt-ler,’ or saying that The Diamond will soon become a place to drink beers, eat hot dogs and socialism with friends and family,” she said. “Or maybe a crack about what goes on at the spring training camps the Squirrels will attend.”
“But that would really be pushing the envelope,” she added.
Hart noted that she was looking forward to the Flying Squirrels’ first homecoming game in September, when the team takes on the Winston-Salem Basterds.
February 10, 2010
ON THE PHONE – There are a bunch of potholes in and around Richmond, so just watch out when you’re driving out there or whatever, Virginia Department of Transportation officials said today.
“Just like, either don’t drive on the highways, something something about how road crews can’t get to them all immediately so just hold your horses,” VDOT spokesperson Blake Somebody pretty much said in similar words, noting that, if you hit a pothole, there’s some recourse you can take by calling the people responsible for the repairs.
We wrote that number down somewhere, on a slip of paper or something, but we just can’t find it right now.
Potholes commonly form when there’s been lots of cold temperatures, Wikipedia notes. There’s been a lot of snow the past few days, which you probably know already. It may even still be snowing and icy out there this morning, causing more craters to appear in the road, so area drivers should probably be careful.
“I hit a pothole, my car’s damaged, whaa–whaa,” said the person we’ll call Jane Doe because we forgot to write her name and needed a local comment. Let’s just say she lives in the Fan, sure whatever, that makes sense. Besides, who will ever really know?
February 09, 2010
February 05, 2010
O woeful, woeful, woeful day!
What a most lamentable day of antiquity Richmond hath doth beheld: thy city upon the James’ dearest gentle-man’s club Velvet has had thine state liquor license suck’d from thy noble hands.
“Wherever will thy noblemen of the Common-wealth go for such admirable foppery with dearest maidens?” mused Samuel J.T. Moore III, the distinguished faction’s proprietor. “O! Let me not be mad, not mad, sweet Heaven; keep me in temper; I would not be mad! For true nobility is exempt from fear.”
So quick and swift thy Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control’s decision was to revoke the license, so clear in thy findings of possible pimp’ng and hookery! Lo, Velvet may, until appeals have been exhausted, offer libations to its patrons, the finest swain in all the River City.
“Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,” ABC commissioner Gabriel Hudson said at yesterday’s hearing. “Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall. Thou art a disease that must be cut away.”
“Seriously dude, the jacked-up Hummers with the honking? What the fuck?” he added.
Moore proclaimed that he ne’er stepped o’er the bounds of modesty at the club, accented with neon and equipped with dual spot-lights that stride toward Heaven’s cherubim e’ry night.
“Hark! The ABC hath eaten me out of house and home! But with heavy fervor, we shall plead like angels, trumpet-tongued, against the deep damnation of our undertaking,” Moore said, noting that, having nothing, doth hath nothing to lose. “And lo! We will rise! And pity you will have, hath born like a naked new-born babe…for you nor I are past our dancing days.”
Added Moore: “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
February 04, 2010
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – The four-person NBC12 Weather Team blasted off on the military space shuttles Freedom and Independence early this morning, bound for a storm the size of Texas that threatens to bring anywhere from four to 10 inches of snow to the Richmond area this weekend.
The meteorologists’ mission: Plant a nuclear warhead 800 feet below the surface of the snowstorm and split it in two, sending one half out into the Atlantic Ocean, and the other half to crappy West Virginia.
“The Bible calls this day ‘Snowmageddon’ – the end of all things,” said NBC12 chief meteorologist Jim Duncan, a 30-year weather news veteran and team captain, who, with his crew of roughneck weathermen and one weatherwoman, hope t
o obliterate the storm before it reaches Virginia. “Actually, I shouldn’t say that. It’s a little extreme. This is more along the lines of a storm that would make it hard to drive or get the kids to school or go to work.”
“Still,” Duncan said, “we’re gonna blast that son of a bitch back to the Mesozoic Era.”
The NBC12 crew of four launched this morning in the bitter cold of eastern Florida, shrieking toward the sky at nearly 22,700 miles per hour. The spacecrafts created two streaks of light that emblazoned the dusk sky, creating a breathtaking spectacle for viewers from hundreds of miles around as the ships roared into the upper stratosphere. The shuttles then performed dual high-G slingshot maneuvers around the dark side of the moon, then raced back to Earth at nearly four times the speed of sound to intercept the snowstorm.
It remains unclear as to why the shuttles had to venture into space or even use a space shuttle, much less two, as the storm is currently hovering a few thousand feet above the Midwest.
NBC12 meteorologist Sagay Galindo said she was honored to be chosen as one of four people in the world to save city residents from long lines at area grocery stores and further school cancellations, but remained confused as to why a weatherperson was picked to handle and detonate a 2-ton nuclear warhead.
“But I will do it, because I don’t want my team to go without me,” she said. “And I don’t wanna miss a thing.”
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Local Girlfriend Cuts Boyfriend-Interest Rate To All-Time Low
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