“I think the wrong person in this role could get going on a huge ego trip, but not me, actually I’m humbled to serve the city,” said the 42-year-old Nuckolls, tasked with encouraging citizens in the Northside to keep the neighborhood clean and pretty.   ”Like that Spider-man movie says: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’”

Added Nuckolls: “Please recycle.”

Richmond’s Clean City Commission, or CCC, was created by a city ordinance in 1993 to promote recycling and ensure ongoing beautification efforts in neighborhoods and on streets and public areas.  Nuckolls said that, though the duties can be “overwhelming” and at times cause “many a sleepless night,” it’s worth it for the respect the title brings – and even more important to keep his head in check.

“Honestly, I don’t get recognized as much as I thought I would, but it’s probably because people are intimidated – which is understandable,” Nuckolls said, who is pleased to offer tips on where to recycle old computers and electronics when asked.  “What I would like people to know is, if you see me out and about, come up and say hi.”

“We don’t bite,” he quickly added, though he noted he may get “a bit testy” should he spot a property owner in the 2nd Distrct with grass or vegetation higher than 12 inches.

Ward Hutchins, who lives down the street from Nuckolls, said he’s always sure to say hello whenever he sees his neighbor.

“Steve’s a great guy, I always see him outside cleaning out his gutters or removing signs or posters off of utility poles,” said the 39-year-old, hauling a broken Whirlpool dishwasher out to his curb.  “I think the city just picks this up on trash day, right? I wish I knew someone I could call and ask.”

Bob McDonnell was elected governor of Virginia yesterday, and said last night that he would work hard to create jobs and improve transportation, while emphasizing repeatedly that his last name is spelled with a small C, a big D, two N’s and two L’s.

“Thank you for putting your trust in me to lead our Commonwealth in these rocky times, and know that I look forward to solving the problems that face us and creating new opportunities for all Virginians,” McDonel said, turning and pointing to a campaign poster that bared his last name.  “And just so you’re clear, if you’re ever writing me a letter or are wondering how to spell my last name, remember it’s like ‘McDonald’s,’ only with double N’s and double L’s and only the first D.”

Added MacDonneld: “Oh, and with an E instead of an A, forgot about that one.”

The 56-year-old McConnell, who led yesterday’s Republican sweep of Virginia’s statewide races, thanked opponent Creigh Deeds, noting the Democrat ran a solid campaign but, ultimately, had a really hard first name to spell.

“See, it sounds like his name should’ve been spelled ‘Cree,’ so that probably threw a lot of people off,” Governor-elect McRoberts said.  “I’ll admit that my last name is hard to remember how to spell, but still, it’s a little easier.”

McDonald’s then thanked his wife, Maureen McDowell, for her support, as well as his five children: Jeanine McDonovant, Cailin McD, Rachel McDullough, Sean McDonathan and Bobby McBobMcDonnell.

And in what has served as an additional hit for the team fourth-ranked in the NFC East, the Redskins also managed to score zero points and made no first downs yesterday, though were able to hold off any turnovers.

“Honestly, it’s like there wasn’t even a game out there,” said Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn, visibly disappointed over not putting backup quarterback Todd Collins into the game after starter Jason Campbell had zero completions for zero yards and failed to hit a receiver all day.  “Still, yesterday’s was one of the better games this team has played all year.”

NFL analysts said the poor performance by the team is is beginning to take a toll with fans, as even with yesterday’s home-field advantage, FedEx Field posted a record low attendance of nobody.

You shut your face.

Expect an area of high pressure coming in from the New England coast with light winds out of the Southeast, drumming up quite a low pressure system that will…Hey! Whadyou you think you’re doing you you you, give me back, give me back, gimme back that bottle.  You’re stupid, face, you’re hate your retarded legs and you always hated me and mymomand no! No! Give me back the bottle you, I’swear to God for Chrissake, you piece of sh-this is bullcrap, man, bullcrap.

Whatever, man, no YOU’RE being drunk.

Saturday afternoon could get breezy, so be sure to take a windbreaker if you head outside!   However, even with mostly cloudy skies, temperatures will jump to near 80 and what did you say about my mom dammit? Say it again I motherfugging dareyou-shutup-your stupid face.  You’re a jerk, swear to Christ, don’t talk about my mom that way you stupid hell, idiot.

Hate -chew.

And while I hate to be the bearer of bad news, it’s looking like we could get a little bit of rain on a dreary Sunday with a high in the, the fif, high in the fif…high in the fif…fif…fiftieszzzzz…

“When I signed up for this gig a few years back, I thought it would be like in the movies, you know, being all, ‘POLICE, OPEN UP!’ then knocking down doors of murderers and [drug] dealers all day,” said Shorn, sipping on a lukewarm coffee and watching another rerun of Hogan’s Heroes on the Fourth Precinct’s break room TV.  “This is pretty much all I do though, just kind of sit around and wait for the door breach that will never happen.”

Adding to Shorn’s frustration is the fact that Richmond’s crime rate has dropped nearly 19 percent over last year, thus decreasing the need for door-breaking-downing.  It’s news the battering-ram operator calls “good, but frustrating as hell for a guy like me.”

Shorn’s wife, Lisa, said she hopes her husband’s job picks up soon, as he has taken to entering his own home by breaking down the family’s front door.

Nike – which has fashioned Jewell’s suits and shoes since he signed with City Council in 2004 – said it will immediately halt sales of all Jewell-related clothing items and merchandise at its retail stores until further notice.  Additionally, the company has stopped production on commercials featuring the city leader, who represents the Randolph and Byrd Park areas and a portion of the Southside.  Richmond police said the 6-foot, 4-inch 5th District Councilman was pulled over early Saturday morning near his home and charged with driving under the influence of alcohol.

The recalled products include Nike’s line of Air Marty shoes, designed for maximum comfort “to the point of putting the wearer to sleep” during public meetings, as well as the Nike Jeweller XP4, a golfball that looks like it has a mustache.

“Nike is concerned by Mr. Jewell’s alleged behavior, and until we can fully understand the facts in this case we must take appropriate action to protect Nike’s reputation for high quality athletic- and local government official- products,” company spokeswoman Jill Beach said in a statement.  Since Jewell has not been convicted of a crime, Nike left the door open to resume a relationship with the star councilman if he is acquitted.

The 62-year-old Jewell signed the lucrative endorsement deal with Nike  in June 2005, forgoing a lesser contract with McDonald’s, which had planned to create the Big Marty: a sandwich that includes no meat but lots and lots of cheese.

Something that looks really neat for downtown but will certainly never come to fruition was unveiled for Shockoe Bottom yesterday, a project heralded by city leaders as “really, really just the cat’s pajamas, totally for real.”

The thing, said to be a $100 million to $150 million heritage site for slavery or something historical like that, could, in theory, be really big and pretty and also supposedly draw tourists to Richmond with that prettiness, officials said.

“Don’t forget the thing’s bigness, which could also be a huge draw for tourists from all over the place – like even the world maybe,” said Richmond mayor Dwight Jones, who has long been an ardent supporter of the delusional project.  ”This thing looks super awesome on paper, no doubt about it.”

In an emailed response to a question as to whether the project would ever see the light of day, the mayor wrote, “LOL.”

Using common dream project-unveiling phrases such as “put Richmond on the map,” “increase tourism,” and “big and pretty,” officials said the big and pretty project thing would include a slavery museum and a glass-enclosed archaeological site, as well nearly $500,000 in city funds that will be ritualistically buried in a hole.

Mayor Jones said that if all goes according to construction plans, the concept will be toyed with, tinkered with, and run out of town by as early as January.

Researchers at the University of Virginia today released a 49-page report confirming a decades-long theory held by local residents that the Richmond Federal Reserve Bank and its metallic facade does, in fact, “sorta look like” a hot, wrapped-up burrito.  

Analysts said the findings may open a window into a deeper understanding of burrito- and delicious food-shaped buildings, particularly around the Richmond metropolitan area.

“I mean, I get hungry just looking at [the Fed],” said Danielle Carter, a sociology professor at U.Va. who led the five-month research project.  Over the course of 20 weeks, scientists observed the 24-story building from all four sides and from the air, analyzing hundreds of pages of blueprints and historical building data before arriving at a single conclusion: The Fed kinda looks like a giant filling of meats, vegetables, beans and rice, all wrapped up in a flour tortilla and aluminum foil.

“Certainly, the top edges and bottom could be a bit more curved like a wrapped burrito, and similarly, a burrito doesn’t really have the black vertical lines you see on the Fed, but let’s not split hairs here,” Carter said.  “Seriously, how awesome would it be if the Fed was actually really a burrito, filled with 24 stories of chicken, seared peppers and onions, and that lime-flavored rice.”

Added Carter: “My God, the rice.”

Local burrito lover and building-lookalikes analyst Michael Pacheco said he agreed with the report’s findings, and once even considered biting into the side of the building, home to the Fifth District of the Federal Reserve.

“I don’t think you can really look at the Fed and say it looks exactly like a burrito, but sure, there is definitely something there,” the 43-year-old said.  “It’s like when you look at one of Richmond’s smokestacks, how you immediately think of a hot dog.  Or when you look at the State Capitol and think of a slice of pizza.”

U.Va.’s Carter said she didn’t see the Capitol-pizza resemblance, but would certainly look into it.

“There is no topic of greater importance to me than preserving the biological integrity of marine ecosystems by curbing overfishing and preventing the destruction of our precious marine habitats,” said the Justice League of America founder, who can swim really fast, like, even up a waterfall if he needed to do so. 

However, the lecture is expected to last only 30 minutes so that he can get back to the water, as Aquaman becomes weak if he stays on land for more than an hour or two.  “Superman has kryptonite, I have land,” chuckled Aquaman, who, unlike the Man of Steel, cannot fly or shoot anything out of his eyes and probably enjoys Nickelback’s music. 

Aquaman’s remarks will take place tonight at 6:30 p.m. in the Walter L. Rice Education Building, located at 1000 W. Cary St. A VCU spokesman said there are “plenty” of seats available for the talk, “possibly more than any event we’ve ever hosted.”

The superhero said he will stick around afterward for autographs – “briefly, as time is of the essence in order to get back to water” – should anyone actually want one.

Raymond M. Vera will be arraigned tomorrow in Richmond Circuit Court for what investigators called a “knowing, callous and willful loading” of rolls onto paper dispensers in the reversed manner, thus increasing difficulty to find and tear the paper.

“The correct toilet paper-install method, of course, is to position the roll such that the sheets sit smoothly over the top of the roll, giving the user easy access and tearing capabilities,” said Richmond Commonwealth’s Attorney Michael N. Herring, who called Vera “a sick human being” and noted the city would seek the greatest punishment possible.  “It is obvious to us that Mr. Vera has cost hundreds, if not thousands, of city employees wasted seconds in productivity time and, thus, taxpayer dollars.”

Vera’s bail has been set at $4.2 million.  His attorney said the janitor will plead guilty to the charge, though this is not the 53-year-old’s first brush with the law.  Last year, Vera was handed a $250 fine after officials said he cleaned City Hall’s window-pane doors “too well,” injuring several workers – including the mayor – who walked straight into them.