Freiden said he would love to land some sweet hurricane tail in the form of at least a Category 1 on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale, which would involve dangerous winds and structure damage – particularly with mobile homes and poorly constructed frame houses – and some possible flooding.

“Current models are showing this little hottie heading up the coast, but I tell you what, I’m thinking that if this baby pitches gradually northwest a bit more at up to 17 miles per hour, we could be talking heavy rains here in the metro Richmond area by the weekend,” said Freiden, visibly salivating at the thought of interrupting regularly scheduled NBC programming to announce a hurricane watch.

“Just check out its eyewall, dude,” he said, looking at the hurricane model on a TV monitor. “It’s just so tight and round.”

Freiden said he was further enticed by the possibility of standing outside and getting to report on Earl in Richmond after the hurricane texted him a picture of its unclothed outer rainband.

Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones this weekend confirmed his nearly yearlong obsession with pop star Lady Gaga, a revelation that many insiders believe casts doubt upon the city leader’s taste in music.

Allegations of Jones’ apparent Gaga infatuation first surfaced late last year after a City Hall staffer accidentally picked up the mayor’s iPod, thinking it was his own, then claimed to have found “between 15 and 20″ songs by the pop princess, known for such hits as “Paparazzi” and “Just Dance.” Sources said the mayor could have as many as 15 to 30 additional Gaga tracks stored on his iTunes.

“I am here today to tell citizens in this city that the rumors are true: I have been a devoted Lady Gaga follower now for nearly a year,” a visibly emotional Jones told reporters, admitting to his attendance at Lady Gaga’s Sept. 28 show at Richmond’s Landmark Theater and having been hooked ever since. “They were free tickets, so I figured I’d go just to see what the hubbub was about. But after hearing her belt out ‘Beautiful, Dirty, Rich’ I knew I would forever be a little monster.”

Gaga uses the term “little monsters” to describe her fanbase.

Jones, who characterizes his musical taste as “indie and alternative rock” and lists off artists such as The Postelles, Arcade Fire and Sufjan Stevens as favorites, said Gaga has become “a bit more than a guilty pleasure” since last year’s show, and he sometimes requests the pop star’s hits while traveling in his executive SUV. Staffers, who refused to be named, said that they too enjoy many of Lady Gaga’s hits, just not at the level of Jones.

“I think we listened to ‘Bad Romance’ at least nine times in a single day at the office last week,” said one staffer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “He hears it and starts throwing his hands up in the air, and then streams his fingers down his face and pretends to be in agony during the ‘I don’t wanna be friends’ part of the song. It’s totally weird.”

Staffers said the obsession is believed to have reached its peak on June 12, when the mayor attended his weekly cabinet meeting covered in pig’s blood with a set of antlers on his head.

“I tell you, [Virginia Tech Head Coach] Frank Beamer, man, he’s still going strong out there,” said Nick Sheppard, mentioning the only name he knows that is associated with the Hokies, though he still remains unaware of Beamer’s contract extension to 2016. “He’s bound to retire this year or next.”

Also “looking solid” for the Hokies this year, according to the 27-year-old: The cornerback, the halfback, first down opportunities, the running game, all forms of fielding, touchdowns, the ball-handling, and the entire season as a whole.

When asked whether tailback David Wilson would redshirt this season, the tax analyst refused to speculate. Sources say Sheppard has no idea what redshirting means.

According to Sheppard, who claims to enjoy watching college football but really only does it for the drinking with friends aspect, Tech could face some pretty tough competition this year to claim the No. 1 spot in the ABB, particularly from the likes of South Carolina, Colorado and Alabama – all of which are states that he is “fairly certain” have college football teams.

In a last-ditch effort to prove that he knew what he was talking about to those around him, Sheppard noted that “it’s pretty cool” how the Hokies run out onto the field while that one Metallica song is playing, and did you know that they do that, because not everyone knows that.

The no-pants-necessary policy will allow clubgoers aged 18 and up to enter the North 18th Street nightclub – known for its 10-cent tacos, low-cost beverages served in plastic cups, and bros – without the same cover-ups required in all other bars and restaurants.

“We want our customers to feel comfortable and welcomed here, whether getting they grind on up on some young hottie or doing tequila shots out of a stranger’s belly button, so pantslessness is really just an extension of our core values,” said Tiki Bob’s general manager Robert D’Angelo as he filled a baby pool with a 50/50 mixture of Vaseline and chocolate pudding in preparation for an event at the club later this evening. “When you combine this new dress code with our recent no-shirt-required policy, it is our hope that more of our customers will realize that they can, if they desire, party up in here fully nude.”

Added D’Angelo: “Aside from the multiple piercings and lower-back tattoos.”

In addition to the updated dress code, Tiki Bob’s also announced several new specials,  including Single Lady Saturdays sponsored by Axe Body Spray, Face Tattoo Tuesdays, and a coupon for free blood work with every purchase of a rum and Coke.

Virginia State Police on Friday arrested Richmond developer Justin French on multiple charges that stem from this whole thing involving him and a bunch of companies and contractors and money and these so-called historic tax credits, as well as a ton of other things having to do with real estate that are just way too complex for most people to fully understand.

The FBI and police are involved, and the guy is in a lot of trouble. That much is clear, officials said.

Beyond that, “we have no earthly idea what is going on,” said FBI spokesman John Deane, who has pored over documents pertaining to the case for nearly three weeks and still can’t comprehend any of it. “Obviously Mr. French has done some things that justify us having arrested him, that’s for sure, but please don’t ask me what those things are because real estate is a super complex topic and it’s really starting to make my head spin.”

According to sources who have no knowledge on the issue nor have any idea what a Ponzi scheme is, French may have been involved in a Ponzi scheme. Which, sources think, is similar to a pyramid scheme, only more complicated because there’s investors and bankers and people like that involved. Perhaps the charges could even have something to do with laundering or kickbacks or insider trading, whatever those things are.

We should also probably include some numbers in this article, just to be safe. So, $24.5 million, $1.8 million, $457,000, and 12.

French’s arrest on Friday at Richmond International Airport comes on the heels of an FBI raid at his Shockoe Slip offices amid questions about his use of historic tax credits to offset the cost of renovating old industrial buildings, along with a series of strategic defaults that would force an insurance underwriting giant to honest to God what in the hell are we even talking about? That was seriously like the world’s biggest run-on sentence ever and who knows if it even made any sense.

According to sources, this is some crazy shit, man.

“I think I saw something like this on one of those USA dramas one time,” said Richmond resident Bill Cole, noting he read somewhere that the French guy went to jail a few years ago for narcotics or guns or something like that. “Maybe this story will end up as a plot line in one of those shows, and they’ll film it in Richmond. Fingers crossed.”

Investigators said they are still combing through evidence against French, adding that they hope the term “lien” never pops up because a.) nobody really knows what that word even means and b.) they’re not even sure it’s spelled correctly.

“From hamburgers and hot dogs to chicken tenders and mozzarella sticks and everything in between – you name it, restaurants are sticking it inside of grilled cheeses,” said Richmond NFA chairwoman Brandon Fox, who claims to have once seen a restaurant put a grilled cheese sandwich inside of another grilled cheese sandwich.

“And while I don’t want to start rumors,” she added, “we’re even hearing that [barbecue restaurant] Buz and Ned’s may begin offering a full rack of ribs, cole slaw, and an iced tea inside of a G.C. as early as this fall.”

Fox said she was fine with the latest trend in foodstuffs, so long as it took people’s attention away from goddamn cupcakes.

While cocking a shotgun typically requires two hands to execute, incidents of the single-handed version of the shotgun reload – which totally looks sweeter – fell 43 percent from the same period last year, police said. Officials also said occurrences of “holding guns sideways like gangsters do” fell 22 percent, while “pistol-whipping a dude in the face” fell 14 percent and “shooting machine guns off the hip” dropped 32 percent from this time last year.

“We are thankful that criminals have gone into hiding and that fewer lives are being lost to gun crime,” said Richmond Police spokesman Donald Nagle. “Still, that people aren’t dual-wielding guns, diving for cover behind wooden crates and shooting at the same time, or detaching the magazine and reloading them in mid-air like you’d see in The Matrix or something is rather unfortunate.”

“We’d love to see more Keanu-style cartwheels where the shooters simultaneously grab rifles up off the ground,” he added.

Nagle noted that while “all the cool things besides shooting” that can be done with guns have been on the decline, he has it on good authority that bazooka-related incidents are making a comeback.

“The incoming lane does not stop,” the source added, double checking all three incoming lanes just to be sure. “Yep, the incoming lane does not stop.”

Repeated the source: “The incoming lane does not stop.”

The incoming lane – which has not stopped since its opening on September 17, 2003 – will continue to not stop for well into the future, the source added. Despite signage indicating that the incoming lane does not stop, many people have chosen to stop, much to the dismay of others who know full well that the incoming lane is to continue moving forward.

According to the source, seriously, what the hell, how hard is this to figure out?