Oh no, some guy from high school who you have nothing against but you only sort of knew was just seen in the canned-foods aisle of the grocery store, you reported.

“Oh no, what do I do? Pretend I don’t see him? Evade him until he sees me, then act like he saw me first?” you said, noting that the guy – who you think is named Derek – never did anything to annoy you, it’s just that you don’t want to stop and make small talk in the middle of the Broad Street Kroger, and you don’t really care what he’s been up to for the past couple years, and you just want to innocuously pick up the items you need and go back to the security of your home.  “I think he was in my science class or something, I don’t know.  It’s been like eight years, I can’t really remember.”

“Oh my God, he’s walking this way,” you added, turning your shopping cart in the opposite direction and picking up the pace.

According to you, this is the third time in less than a month in which you have bumped into someone from your past or present who you had no desire to converse with. Just last week at Ellwood Thompson’s Natural Market, you spotted that guy who was friends with your best friend’s ex, and since you forgot his name, made a bee-line to the cashier even though you hadn’t finished shopping.  And in mid-February, you pulled up to a red light on Cary Street and were horrified to learn that your sister’s best friend – one of the nicest people in the world – was directly beside you in the left turning lane.

Sources said that, in that case, you pulled your car up an extra three inches to avoid all eye contact despite the fact that you think you were recognized. Sources also said that all of these encounters would have been “no big deal” if you were intoxicated at the time, but in all cases you were either operating a vehicle or the people were not spotted during typical drinking hours. 

Back at the grocery store, Derek – whose actual name is James Shelton – said he thought he caught a glimpse of you  turning your cart away from him on aisle 12, but noted he did his best to avoid you because he’s always thought you were a horrible, horrible human being.

“After the maître d’ seats us, we’ll probably start with some caviar just to tease our palates, then have the sommelier suggest a red for the table…something pricey,” said Mrs. Hanson, 34, noting the low-lit ambiance of Have A Nice Day offered the perfect atmosphere for their group. “As for dinner, I’m personally in the mood for duck or perhaps the roast chicken, but I’m told their corn dog nuggets are out of this world.”

The couple said they would likely stick around the 18th St. restaurant’s bar after dinner for additional drinks, conversation, and possibly a bikini wrestling contest in a chocolate pudding-filled baby pool.

Partners at Richmond-based law firm Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero told reporters today that the practice, while priding itself on service to clients, is even prouder of being able to list all 12 partners in the company’s name.

“With our team of well-educated, highly-trained attorneys, we do whatever it takes to achieve our clients goals and get them the justice they deserve,” said Roger M. Capel IV, a partner at the personal injury and medical malpractice group.  “And despite our huge name, we take satisfaction in fitting every single partner’s last name onto our signage, or a business card, or on letterhead, or on our building, or even on a golf shirt.”

“The gigantic, significant-looking name is really why we do what we do,” he added.

Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero has deep roots in the Richmond area, from its beginnings in 1940 when Alfred Dunnavant Leavingsworth VI established the law firm in the city’s east end. Originally specializing in automobile accidents, the addition of Edward William Hollingsworth Jr. in 1957, Nathaniel Charles Berkshire Altmeyer IV in 1982, and the merger of RansomNovielli & McRogers in 1996 expanded the practice into the areas of medical malpractice, spinal cord injuries and long, important-sounding names.

As more partners joined over the years, the firm’s strengths grew, but the capability to include everyone’s surnames onto signage and other crucial law firm things became a top concern, Capel said.

For instance, he notes, a standard 30-second TV commercial with actor Robert Vaughn must be expanded to two minutes for Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero in order to fit at least four mentions of the firm’s name, which takes approximately seven seconds to say. Cheap-looking highway billboards must be widened to 34 feet from the normal 22. And the sign on the top of the firm’s 12-story downtown building stretches across the top four stories, and can be read from 26 miles away on a clear day.

Future plans for Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero include elimination of spaces between names to create one single name, removal of the ampersand, and possibly flipping the name upside down so that it reads oɹǝds & ɥɔuɐɹq ʞɹɐ1ɔ ɥʇɹoʍsbuıʌɐǝ1 ʎǝuuɐظ sɹǝʇ1ɐʍ ı11ǝıʌou ɯosuɐɹ sɹǝboɹɔɯ 1ǝdɐɔ ɥʇɹoʍsbuı11oɥ ɹǝʎǝɯʇ1ɐ.

Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones has requested nearly $20,000 from City Council for the purchase of a Browning .50 Caliber M2 machine gun to mount on the roof of his executive GMC Suburban. The mayor also noted that, once placed atop the black SUV, he – and not a member of his security detail – would man the gun, nicknamed “Ma Deuce” by the military.

“Have you guys ever seen those action movies that take place in the Middle East or wherever? You know that machine gun on top of the Humvees that the one guy always jumps on when they’re driving through those little side streets? That’s what I want,” Jones told the nine-member council at last night’s regular meeting, holding up a screen grab from the 2009 film The Hurt Locker, which prominently features the M2.  “I mean, we may never get to use it, but you can never be too cautious these days.”

“So badass,” Jones added.

The fifty-cal is largely used against enemy infantry and lightly-armored vehicles or buildings, and is capable of blowing a cantaloupe-sized hole through a concrete wall or a trashy Shockoe Bottom nightclub and its patrons.

English alternative rock band Radiohead today did not announce an upcoming show in the Virginia capital, a summertime performance that will not take place later this year.

“We plan to play Richmond this summer,” lead singer Thom Yorke did not say, not noting that the band would play near the banks of the James River on a warm, summer evening under a clear, starry sky.

“Just think: Our spectacular light show playing over the sounds of our band and its expansive sound, as all of the youthful Richmond audience comes out for a great evening of outdoor music…my gosh, this is going to be the best concert ever,” the 41-year-old did not add.

Tickets will not go on sale April 3 on Ticketmaster for the show that will not take place on July 30.

“Everyone’s always telling me, ‘Hey Jeez, you gotta go down to Richmond and try the meatloaf at LuLu’s, it’s unreal,” said the Messiah, noting he’s never been a huge meatloaf fan but was “abso-freakin’-lutely blown over” by how awesome the Shockoe Bottom industrial chic restaurant’s meatloaf tasted. “And I mean, holy crap, it was seriously everything people had been telling me, and then some.”

“And there were big portions, too, so I didn’t have to pull any of my food-multiplication tricks,” he said, chuckling.

After finishing his meal, Christ said he had a few more hours to kill before he was required to ascend back into the Heavens, and asked if anyone wanted to go clubbing at Richbrau.

The highly illegal, horrible act happened early this morning, as is the case for pretty much all of the highly illegal, horrible things that occur in that area. 

“This is just horrible, horrible, but really not unlike the types of horrible things we’ve seen in the days and weeks before on The JDH,” said Richmond police lieutenant Brandon Shearin, who will likely be seen discussing the horrible thing on the news later tonight. 

Horrible things are up 12 percent on the Jeff Davis Highway over this time last year, which had the lowest horrible thing rate in nearly a decade.  Horrible things on Jeff Davis still haven’t reached horrible thing levels from 1999, however, when police had to respond almost nightly to some seriously sick shit.