Wondering where all his friends and family have gone in recent weeks, the iconic statue of the Native American brave at The Diamond was diagnosed today with clinical depression, doctors said.

Local psychotherapist Dr. Philip M. Marbal Jr. said the statue of the Richmond Brave - which is inexplicably named “Connecticut” - has been “completely inconsolable” since the minor league baseball team played its last game at the field in September. 

Marbal said the 40-foot-tall Native American warrior has wept nearly 50 gallons of tears in the past week, lost almost 1,200 pounds, and is suffering from a complete lack of interest in his normal physical activities, such as appearing to climb out from behind a concrete wall, staying absolutely still, never blinking, and looking ominous.

“With the loss of the Braves, Connecticut has some reasonable worries that he could be ripped down or destroyed, which of course leads to the symptoms we are seeing in his psyche and mood,” Marbal said, noting the Indian is concerned that he could torn apart limb-by-limb and have his body parts bought by local R-Braves fans as keepsakes.  “Plus, with talk of moving his entire home to [Shockoe] Bottom, you can see why he’d be more than just a little upset.”

To treat Connecticut’s depression, the doctor has prescribed a 40-liter bottle of whiskey for the massive Indian and encouraged him to smoke a 3-yard-long peace pipe twice daily.  As for physical activity, he said Connecticut should stand up, walk around, and go on a giant scalping spree on every English settler he can find.

Available now at all area Ukrop’s stores, 7-Elevens, and 3rd Street Diners.

Richmond School Board member Keith West was reprimanded by city officials yesterday after it was discovered that he was collecting Garbage Pail Kids cards and trading them with fellow members.

West, who received two days of in-School Board suspension, admitted to bringing to official meetings his series of late-1980s trading cards that parody the iconic Cabbage Patch Kids, “even when I knew mom hated those things, and told me I couldn’t have them.”

The cards feature drawings of the round-headed, pudgy-cheeked children with either a gross abnormality or suffering a horrible fate, each with a word-play heavy name such as Sucked Chuck, (who has a plunger stuck to his face) or Louise Trapeze, (whose nostrils are holding her onto a circus swing).  The cards have come under fire as recently as 1986 from the Richmond Parent-Teacher Association for being “overly offensive” for young children and inappropriate for School Board members to collect.  

West’s mother forced the 42-year-old to write a letter of apology for bringing his Garbage Pail Kids to School Board, though it was not the first time his antics have landed him in hot water. 

In 2006, West had his recess privileges revoked after donning a pair of “Billy Bob” fake crooked teeth into a meeting, and last year got his name on the School Board’s board after accidentally, but severely, wounding the wrist of former board member Carol A.O. Wolf with a slap bracelet.

Officials at Richmond International Airport said October was not only one of its busiest months on record, but that they saw more “brainless, obnoxious passengers who think they own the place” than ever before.

“October was a historic month for us, both in terms of fully-packed flights and in our loss of what little faith we had left in the American traveler,” said RIC spokesman Troy Bell.  ”It was great to do so much business with our nine airlines, but I mean, Jesus Christ.”

Of the 430,000 October passengers, Bell said, roughly 42 percent were “ignorant twits” who felt the need to complain about the quality of the free headphones, 22 percent demanded upgrades to first-class seating after their flights were delayed, 10 percent remained on their cell phones at the ticket counter, and a similar amount “had the gall” to question why they had to take off their shoes before walking through metal detectors.   

Less than 2 percent of RIC’s travelers were considered respectable, decent human beings with basic knowledge of how airport processes work, he said, sighing.

Though ridership has been declining in the past several months as a response to a softening economy and higher ticket prices, Bell said the airport has seen a 6-month spike in passenger bitching, angry hand signals, and audible moaning.  To please those travelers, he said the airport will offer free airfare to anywhere in the continental United States, though RIC isn’t mentioning that the planes are not equipped with seat belts, emergency life jackets, or landing gear.

Ukrop’s Super Markets Inc. this morning announced a historic pledge of nearly 700 billion pounds of its crispy, juicy fried chicken into the local economy, a move analysts say could help many Richmond area companies and their employees amid a worsening fried-chickenomic crisis.

The wide-ranging chickenomic rescue package comes as the local business landscape changes underneath the weight of a worldwide - and extra cheesy - financial patty meltdown.  In recent weeks, many longtime Richmond companies have downsized, lost millions of dollars in their value and left once proud corporate giants, still hungry for Ukrop’s fried chicken, unable to obtain credit to purchase the grocer’s most popular prepared-food item.

“As the Richmond area’s most respected family-owned business, we feel it is our responsibility to help our region in this pivotal time of need,” said Robert S. “Bobby” Ukrop, the company’s president.  “We’re not just going to stand by and watch as our neighbors spiral into a fried chickenless recession.” 

Ukrop said the company has increased fried chicken manufacturing since Oct. 31 in response to the falling price of vegetable oil. However, with the coming influx of both dark and light chicken meats into the hands of poultry consumers, officials remain concerned about both regional waist inflation and a possible downturn in the beef stock-market. 

“We will continue to monitor regional fried-foods consumption,” Ukrop said.  “But these steps are necessary to help jump-start our struggling chickenomic landscape.” 

Analysts remained just as wary, but said the added emergency loan of fried chicken could be a boon to the stomachs of thousands of area eaters.

“Pumping our economy full of fried chicken breasts, legs, thighs and wings is not sound nutritional policy,” said John P. Nicolls III, a professor of chickenomics at Virginia Commonwealth University.  “It is, however, incredibly delectable nutritional policy, particularly if the Ukrop family throws in some potato wedges or [butter bean and corn-based] succotash.”

In return for its chicken bailout package, Ukrop’s is expected to receive ownership steaks from several regional companies, ensuring that millions of local sales-taxpayers will eventually be reimbursed.

Available now at all area Ukrop’s stores, 7-Elevens, and 3rd Street Diners.

Heading to the Richmond Marathon this Saturday, either as a runner or cheerer-oner?  Whether you run, walk, or watch, be sure to follow these simple guidelines to make the most out of the big race: 

Like the recent presidential election, this race will be won by a black man with a kinda funny-sounding name.

The event is billed as “America’s Friendliest Marathon,” due to shortening the course to 1.5 miles from the traditional 26, and allowing - in fact, encouraging - participants to use Segways.

If you choose to spectate, it is your duty to clap for four straight hours or until hands are bloodied, no exceptions.

At some point, runners hit what is referred to as “The Wall.”  And if runners take a wrong turn, they may hit “The Interstate” or fall into “The River.”

Parking downtown is a total nightmare on race day, though it’s still much easier to find spaces than on a typical weekday.

Medical assistance is available if you need it, pansy.

To help inspire and motivate race participants, many musical acts will be playing along the course, including the entire 100-piece Richmond Symphony Orchestra at Mile 2.

The pack of runners will be led by at least four Jamaicans, who are incredibly fast, thin and nope, hold on a sec.  We’re thinking of the 1988 Olympic bobsled team.  “Kenyans” was the race we were looking for.

There is also a half marathon, an 8k, and a kids run corresponding with the event. The Walk of Shame back to your apartment has been cancelled this year.

Several aid stations are found throughout the course to keep you hydrated and fueled. Water and Gatorade are found at miles two, six, 10, 12, 16, and 22, with cigarette and smokeless tobacco stops at all other mile markers to keep with the Richmondy theme.

First place gets $2,500, second place gets $1,500, and you don’t want to know what third place gets.  You’re better off - and will be allowed to keep both legs - by finishing fourth or worse.

Though a spaghetti dinner is held the night before the event, everyone goes to that.  Get the upper hand by polishing off a ribeye steak, mashed potatoes and a bottle of wine the night before.

The 12.6-oz. Nike Air Zoom Equalon +3 running shoe, with its dual-density compression molded EVA midsole, carbon-rubber outsole and seamless melded overlays offers one of the most stable, cushioned and natural-feel running shoes ever made.  Or, just go in your comfy slippers.

You must pick up your race packet a day before the race at the Arthur Ashe Center, because, as you know, playing a game of tennis has so much to do with running a frigging marathon.

Marathon runners come in all shapes, sizes and ages, with one common thread binding them: they are all completely insane for doing this.

Despite having an awful blog devoid of quality content, semblance and unique visitors, Richmond area blogger Melinda Irwin has convinced herself that weakened economy is to blame for AllThingsMelinda.blogspot.com’s lack of readership.

“The credit crunch, mortgage woes, you name it: the problems of Wall Street have really started to trickle down to Main Street, including my blog,” said the 34-year-old single woman.  Durng the past week, her little-traveled personal Web page has covered such inane topics as her opinions on the Lifetime channel’s Wife Swap, her asinine thoughts on a “lovely meal” during the weekend at downtown restaurant Comfort, and an utterly mindless post - if it can even be called that - about not being able to find a matching sock on the day of a recent business presentation and having to make a quick stop by Stein Mart before work to pick up a new pair, then stepping in gum in the parking lot. 

However, the self-described writer, though no one else would label her in such a way, remains hopeful of the future.

“I can see that gas prices are heading down, which could be good for me,” said Irwin, who does not realize that her blog, which had two readers yesterday - her parents - has no relation to the financial crisis and is just so God I can’t believe we’re even giving this woman this much attention.

Irwin’s coments came on the heels of a newly-issued report from the U.S. Department of Commerce, which blamed everything that is bad - including all complaints, negativity and the amassed aggregate of all terrible news - on the weakened economy and President Bush.

WTVR-CBS 6 reporter Jon Burkett said today that he thinks he’s getting pretty good at that TV news reporter voice, including his pitch, tone, and overall TV news-reporting-voice dexterity.

“I’ve been at this for some time, and I gotta say, I think the TV news reporter voice that I’ve matured into over the years works well for me,” said the 32-year-old, known for his wide vocal range during violent crime spots, spot-on phonetics in traffic updates, and Emmy Award-winning pronunciation of both vowels and consonants amid business news reporting segments. 

“Every night around Richmond, people invite CBS 6 into their homes, and it’s really up to me - and the team - to communicate with them in an engaging way, as though they were our friends or family,” Burkett said, “which I truly believe is exactly you get when Jon Burkett vociferates on the screen.”

The Chesterfield County native added that he uses his “news voice” not only during the TV news, but with his dog Max, at drive-thru windows of fast food restaurants, and when drunk dialing ex-girlfriends at 3 a.m.

For our regular readers, or those of you just joining us, we’re coming up on our one year anniversary: December 7, 2007, a date which will live in famy (get it?  Anyone?  Anyone?) (Crickets).  We’re thinking of maybe having some huge Happy Hour next month, which details will follow if we end up doing anything.

For now though, please enjoy a few of our own picks from the past year, in no particular order.  There are others we could post, but quite frankly, going through the archives will take too long.  If you’re new here, use the search box at the right to look for most any topic in Richmond; it’s probably been covered.  

Whether you’ve been reading since December or just came across us, here are a few must-reads as you journey down Tobacco Avenue:

I big tower

After nearly drowning, runner dies of dysentery on Oregon Hill Trail

Allen, Allen, Allen & Allen to add three more Allens

NBC12 producers give Gene Cox the ‘cue cards and whiskey don’t mix’ talk again

Much-praised Verbena to open second location, Nounena

Wilder puts embargo on Kuba Kuba

Monuments, citizens still unsure of who Maury was

Ukrop’s reports low Super Bowl Sunday sales

And what’s the deal with Richmond? 

Frat guys in audience totally rock crowd at Toad’s Place

Reports: VCU’s Trani linked to Philip Morris and blah, blah, blah whatever

Wilder does the Grey Poupon TV ad at intersection

Consultant: consultant told city ‘bunch of shit you already knew’

Tobacco Avenue’s Tips for Attending: Friday Cheers

Copies of Downtown Plan found laying on floors of City Hall men’s bathrooms

CarMax accepts BBB excellence award only after 125-point inspection

Switching to GEICO is easy, but this Sudoku thing is a real brain-teaser

Willow returns to Richmond to reclaim his lawn

Horse-mounted Stonewall Jackson: ‘I hate horses’

Trip to Mexico Restaurant same as last time, time before that

Magellan expresses frustration over navigating inRich.com

Martin Agency receives award; 942nd so far this year

Style Weekly cover story longer than entire newspaper

Traffic reporter suspended for use of the term ‘rubbernecker’

Residents enjoying local restaurant’s new Fire Bar

NBC12 Restaurant Report Finds Four Critical Violations In NBC12 Break Room

Second-rate Richmond Web site thinks it’s The Onion or something, critic says

Available now at all area Ukrop’s stores, 7-Elevens, and 3rd Street Diners.

…Want the high resolution Tobacco Avenue Magazine cover?  It’s free, but email us at tobaccoavenue[at]gmail.com to receive it.  Start a collection today!

Two teensy-weensy young women were killed early this morning in a Micro Machines car crash at the corner of Miniscule Boulevard and 0.000025th Street in downtown Richmond, police said.

The 5:30 a.m. accident in the city’s historic Tiny Church Hill neighborhood occurred after a 2-millimeter tall woman’s 1:130th-scale Acura NSX ran a red light, striking the other young, microscopic woman’s Pontiac Fiero.

Police said a little bit of itsy-bitsy alcohol was not a factor, and the pint-sized victim’s names were being withheld until their adorable, itty-bitty kin had been notified.

However, NBC12 reported this morning that area drivers of Micro Machines should avoid the downtown minintersection, saying delays are being caused by “‘yea big’ rubberneckers.”

Newly-elected Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones thanked supporters last night at his victory party, promising better days ahead for the city and to never, you know, go all crazy and flip out and stuff, unlike some Richmond mayors he knows.

“It’s a new day for Richmond, one of prosperity and a place where we’re going to start new some conversations,” said Jones, a Virginia delegate since 1994. “And for the record, people, I won’t like, make wacky accusations, or pick fights, or kick city School Boards out of buildings on Friday nights simply because I was a little power hungry, or other nutty stuff like that.”

“Not talking about anyone in particular.  I’m just saying,” added Jones, who was also quick to explain that all his screws are tight, that he is of sound mind, and his temper remains hinged.

The 60-year-old further noted that he would also never try to look younger than he actually is, you know, by growing a goatee, “which I have recently seen some local mayors attempt to do.”

Just as Virginia Board of Elections officials had suspected, a pack of four velociraptors stormed a Richmond voting precinct early this afternoon, killing as many as 17 voters and leaving at least 30 more injured.

The ostrich-size dinosaurs - which move really fast and are basically the awesomest dinosaurs of all - appear to “have come out of nowhere” from the woods of Virginia and stormed the city, striking a group of voters waiting in the rain to cast ballots, said Maryann Whitaker, spokeswoman for the Board of Elections.

“We could do nothing to stop these raptors in this calculated assault, what with the dino’s razor-sharp, sickle-shaped talons,” she said.  ”While our condolences go out to the families of this tragedy, I do want to remind everyone that you take your life into your own hands when you head to the polls without proper raptor protection.”

As consolation, she said, state polling stations were “fully prepared” for the rush of voters with nearly 3,000 gallon tubs of margarine, 7,000 dozen eggs and 19,000 boxes of Bisquick to serve pancakes to the first 400 voters at each precinct.

From Oct. 29: Va. Election Officials Unprepared For Velociraptor Attack

Virginia Board of Elections officials are cautioning voters to be patient this morning as hundreds of “stupid old people” experience difficulty in operating the incredibly user-friendly voting machines.

The stupid old people, defined by officials as “some voters older than age 70,” are causing lines to backup all across the Richmond region as the elderly people cannot, for the life of them, work a simple machine that asks them to touch a finger onto a computer screen, thereby selecting a political candidate, “then hitting a big, red, flashing digital button that says ‘VOTE’ in all capital letters,” said Maryann Whitaker, spokeswoman for the Board of Elections.

“It’s like they’re simply just afraid of the word ‘computer,’ or possess some inane inability to operate anything with graphics,” she said. 

Whitaker said the complaints from the stupid old people range from “the dag-nam computers” to “the young folks and their music” to being insistent that they were unable to use “these got-damned Internet machines with their Google,” even though the search-engine technology was not being used in the offline polling machines. 

Chesterfield County resident and stupid old person and Helen M. Conway said she was “fed up” with the complex computer-voting system, instead wishing that she could go back to the ease of the olden days of carefully lining up a candidate’s name to a piece of paper, punching a tiny “chad” into the card with a hole punch, and taking the time to insert the card into a ballot box, uncertain as to whether her vote was correct.