A good man through the ages who for several days has been trying to find the sun, Southside resident Stu Fogerty wondered today who, if anyone, would step up and stop the rain.

“And I wonder, still I wonder,” Fogerty asked, “who’ll stop the rain?”

Many local residents have gone as far as to travel down to portions of Virginia seeking shelter from the storm, only to end up caught in a fable, watching towers grow.  Others, concerned by the high levels of precipitation, have established five-year plans and new deals wrapped in golden chains.

Even still, most have been left wondering who – if anyone – will stop the rain.

In some parts of the state, residents claimed to have heard singers playing, and cheering for more.  One report out of Virginia Beach noted a crowd rushed together and tried to keep warm, but still the rain kept pouring.  “Falling on my ears,” noted John Clifford, a 52-year-old city resident.

He added that yesterday and days before the sun was cold and rain was hard, and he knew because it had been that way for all his time.

“More rain in store for us tomorrow, getting heavy in the late morning and early afternoon, but, I don’t know, what really does it matter anymore because it’s probably never going to be sunny ever again,” said Duncan, his voice trailing off.  “What is life, really, but a series of rain storms that slowly wash away memories of times past and present, erasing everything we hold so dear to our hearts like an eternal flood upon our desperate, wretched, withering souls.”

“Oh, and inland areas are under a Flood Watch until 9 p.m. [on Thursday],” he added.

Rubbing his temples and showing moments of absolute despair in his tired eyes, Duncan noted that the rain would begin to taper off late Friday evening, just in time for Saturday’s marathon and for him to stop contemplating just falling off the sheer face of the Earth.

You shut your face.

Expect an area of high pressure coming in from the New England coast with light winds out of the Southeast, drumming up quite a low pressure system that will…Hey! Whadyou you think you’re doing you you you, give me back, give me back, gimme back that bottle.  You’re stupid, face, you’re hate your retarded legs and you always hated me and mymomand no! No! Give me back the bottle you, I’swear to God for Chrissake, you piece of sh-this is bullcrap, man, bullcrap.

Whatever, man, no YOU’RE being drunk.

Saturday afternoon could get breezy, so be sure to take a windbreaker if you head outside!   However, even with mostly cloudy skies, temperatures will jump to near 80 and what did you say about my mom dammit? Say it again I motherfugging dareyou-shutup-your stupid face.  You’re a jerk, swear to Christ, don’t talk about my mom that way you stupid hell, idiot.

Hate -chew.

And while I hate to be the bearer of bad news, it’s looking like we could get a little bit of rain on a dreary Sunday with a high in the, the fif, high in the fif…high in the fif…fif…fiftieszzzzz…

Determined not to let 12 inches of snow and unplowed roads deter him from his God-given duty to mankind, Richmond man and Subway Sandwich Artist Cleve Krost braved the odds against him to make it to his place of work today.

“I have a name to uphold, and no snowstorm is going to take that away, no matter how bad,” the 24-year-old said of his $6.55-an-hour job, which requires him to valiantly disperse a variety of deli meats, vegetables and dressings onto loaves of bread.  The customers “count on me to be here, and I’m going to honor that commitment no matter what the weather might be.”

As of press time, the American hero had served only one customer, himself, after getting a bit hungry around 11:30 a.m.

Despite having a bent interior nasal wall that causes one nostril to be smaller than the other and her nose to frequently bleed and drip mucous, Richmond resident Miranda M. Saunders said she was nonetheless excited and calmed by the up to eight inches of snow falling on the region today.

“It’s so beautiful,” said the 38-year-old tax attorney, who has had a deviated septum since birth that makes her prone to whistling sounds when sniffing and loud, elephant-like snouts when sleeping.  “I do kind of wish I was still in school, and get the day off,” she added, reaching for a Kleenex to stop the uncontrollable drainage sluicing from her nasal cavity.

Saunders said she was excited for her 7-year-old son to see his first snowfall, an event she hoped would make him realize that his nose made from a carrot is perfectly normal.

“Yep, this is really unseasonal for this time of year, particularly for Richmond,” said the guy, identified later as 53-year-old Dominion employee John A. Nichols, and whose Folgers-dipped mustache is matched in disgustingness with his hour-old Folgers-heavy breath now vigorously permeating into your own mouth and nose.

“Don’t get your hopes up, though, cold weather will be back in no time,” Nichols said, taking another sip of coffee and pronouncing each letter that requires an exhalation into long, drawn out syllables, as a drop of opaque liquid formed on an ungroomed bristle of his facial hair.  “Will be heading back down into the 30s in no time, better break out that jacket again.”

“Yeah, I saw that on the news this morning,” you said, trying to turn a blind eye to the repugnant, possibly dyed whiskers, now fully doused in breakroom coffee.

According to sources, this is not the first time you have been unable to concentrate on a conversation with the heavily-mustached Nichols.  Last year, the man who finds it necessary to wear short-sleeve Oxford shirts with ties made small-talk about his daughter’s basketball game, a discussion you disregarded after realizing he had an abundant amount of nose hair, in addition to the fact that you absolutely did not give two shits whatsoever.

“While we are currently investigating this matter, it appears that one of our VDOT employees reached for the salt, but accidentally grabbed the pepper,” said VDOT spokesman Jeff Caldwell, wiping tears from his reddened, itchy eyes.  “As you all know, it is very difficult to tell the two tubs of road condiments apart sometimes.”

“Particularly so early in the morning,” he added.

While VDOT is working to clean up its 57,867-mile system of roadways, morning travelers said they are happy to have made it to their destinations today without major incident.

“I was coming into work on [Interstate] 64 when I saw this orange truck dumping what looked like dirt all over the road, and then it realized it was a hock, a hack, a hough hough, hough,” said morning commuter Vic Pyle Jr., who said he failed in attempts to stop the application of crushed pepper by shouting “Enough,” “When,”  and “That’s good.”

Though the pepper clean-up could cost an estimated $1.6 million, VDOT’s Caldwell said, he noted the organization has not made an error this large since the 1952 decision to purchase only two snow plows for the entire state.