“I tell you, [Virginia Tech Head Coach] Frank Beamer, man, he’s still going strong out there,” said Nick Sheppard, mentioning the only name he knows that is associated with the Hokies, though he still remains unaware of Beamer’s contract extension to 2016. “He’s bound to retire this year or next.”

Also “looking solid” for the Hokies this year, according to the 27-year-old: The cornerback, the halfback, first down opportunities, the running game, all forms of fielding, touchdowns, the ball-handling, and the entire season as a whole.

When asked whether tailback David Wilson would redshirt this season, the tax analyst refused to speculate. Sources say Sheppard has no idea what redshirting means.

According to Sheppard, who claims to enjoy watching college football but really only does it for the drinking with friends aspect, Tech could face some pretty tough competition this year to claim the No. 1 spot in the ABB, particularly from the likes of South Carolina, Colorado and Alabama – all of which are states that he is “fairly certain” have college football teams.

In a last-ditch effort to prove that he knew what he was talking about to those around him, Sheppard noted that “it’s pretty cool” how the Hokies run out onto the field while that one Metallica song is playing, and did you know that they do that, because not everyone knows that.

And in what has served as an additional hit for the team fourth-ranked in the NFC East, the Redskins also managed to score zero points and made no first downs yesterday, though were able to hold off any turnovers.

“Honestly, it’s like there wasn’t even a game out there,” said Redskins Head Coach Jim Zorn, visibly disappointed over not putting backup quarterback Todd Collins into the game after starter Jason Campbell had zero completions for zero yards and failed to hit a receiver all day.  “Still, yesterday’s was one of the better games this team has played all year.”

NFL analysts said the poor performance by the team is is beginning to take a toll with fans, as even with yesterday’s home-field advantage, FedEx Field posted a record low attendance of nobody.

Less than two weeks after a Class AA baseball team said it would move to Richmond, the general manager said the organization is backing out of the deal effective immediately after a list surfaced of possible, but ultimately horrible, team names.

The Connecticut Defenders reneged their 2-year, $10 million contract with the city and have already scheduled transportation back to their home state with no plans to ever return, citing “a lack of creativity and reason” by those who came up with the “lame, moronic team names.”

Among the choices, which were to have been voted on by Richmonders in an online poll: the Rhinos, the Flatheads, the Rock Hoppers, the Hambones and the Flying Squirrels, a name General Manager Mitch Conrad described as “utterly insane.” 

According to poll results thus far, the Richmond Rock Hoppers remain in the lead with negative-430 votes, followed by the Flatheads (-321), Rhinos (-93) and the Hambones (-12). 

Results are unable to be posted for the Flying Squirrels, which have a score so low that it cannot be calculated by modern mathematics. 

“This is a joke, right?  You all are joking.  This has to be a joke.  This must be a joke.  This is a joke, right? Has to be. Gotta be. Okay seriously, where’s Ashton Kutcher?” Conrad said, referencing the hidden camera practical-joke show Punk’d, as he fully believed he was on the MTV program, which unfortunately for him ended two years ago.

The 52-year-old was then told by reporters that this was no joke. 

“So if that’s the case, where the hell am I supposed to find a rhinoceros in Richmond?  Oh wait, let me guess, you picked ‘Rhinos’ simply because it starts with an ‘R’ and is therefore is an alliteration when paired with ‘Richmond’?” Conrad said.  “These names sound as though they were created by a group of retarded monkeys.”

Added Conrad: “Actually, the Richmond Retarded Monkeys is the best name I’ve heard so far.”

For nearly 10 years, Conrad managed the team when it was known as the Defenders, “a much, much cooler name that actually sounds intimidating as a sports team, unlike the Rock Hoppers, which is an activity children do at a park with their mommies and daddies.”  

He also listed off his numerous other grievances with other finalists, for example: the Flatheads, “which sounds like a type of snake but is actually a fish in the James River that nobody has ever heard of”; the Hambones, “which is a stupid-ass Virginia ham reference”; and the Flying Squirrels, “which is imbecile.” 

Added Conrad: “WTF?”

Many Richmonders said yesterday that they were disappointed in the possible team name choices.

“Not of these names are really Richmondy, you know? I get that flying squirrels are native to Virginia, but who knew that? And the ham thing, whatever…it’s just kind of sad,” said Ali Dawson, noting she liked the Richmond Braves because the name had ties to the region.  “Still, awesome or lame name, it’s just a name.  Not like it’ll make me go back to the Diamond to watch baseball or anything.”

“Anybody want to get lunch? Think I’m in the mood for Subway,” Jay Gorum said after reading in the paper that a Class AA baseball team would come the city and play in the same stadium that another team abandoned nearly two years ago.  “Kind of in the mood for Baked Lay’s with my order this time.”

The Richmond Metropolitan Authority and Eastern League announced Wednesday that, the Connecticut…Defenders, which, that are…affiliated with, the…San…Francisco Giants…will…getting sleepy…Grimace…start playing here next, summer….

Though excited league officials said they plan to spruce up The Diamond and make it more attractive so that citizens will flock to the North Side and fill up the seats at the baseball field once again, sources said whatever.

The race – open to people ages three to 12 and 70 and older – will begin on Broad Street and form a 6.2 mile loop around the city, snaking through neighborhoods, downtown areas, and across vast stretches of shadeless blacktop and concrete. Nearly 20,000 elderly and young people are signed up for the grueling, largely uphill run.

“We’re not going to let a little bit of heat stop this great tradition and getting old people and youngsters out there and having a fun day in the sun,” said David Schneider, executive director of the National Elderly And Kids Race, which promotes the local event.  “Children and old people are resilient anyway, and plus, a little dry heat never hurt anyone, for the most part.” 

Still, Schneider said, organizers are taking extra precautions to ensure the race ends as quickly as possible so that runners can get out of the nearly 100-degree heat.  Such safety measures include removing all water and food stations along the route as to not slow runners down for breaks, and making sure all race-related cautions are thrown to the wind.

With yet another plan for a ballpark being pitched at a riverside site across from downtown, roughly 1.2 million Richmond residents today beseeched city leaders to, for the love of God, please make it stop.

“At this point, I guess I support baseball in Richmond or whatever, but if we have to go through a few more years of studies and news reports and public forums about this crap, I swear, I’m going for the gun,” said North Side resident William Wright, noting that he is only half-joking.  “What do they want?  Is this about my money?”

Added Wright, handing over his wallet to a reporter: “Here, take all I’ve got.”

Many city residents echoed his comments.  One woman interviewed for this story said she would rather be buried alive than read yet another newspaper story on where funding would come from for a new baseball field. 

Several citizens mentioned that, should another proposal be “pitched” or “put onto the table,” they would fall back into their illegal drug habits, turn to alcoholism, or gleefully spend hours alone crying in a living room with the blinds tightly drawn.

Also: Jesus Tapdancing Christ, here we go again.

The reactions come on the heels of an informal discussion to build a ballpark on 17.5-acres on the south bank of the James River.  Upon hearing the latest idea for baseball – less than a week after a similar plan in Shockoe Bottom was nixed – many city residents fell to the ground, crying, begging for relief.

“Dear Lord, I understand that while taxpayer dollars would be required to fund a stadium, along with support from regional entities and done in ways that are consistent with the Downtown Master Plan,” Fan resident Francis Clements prayed, “but if this means hearing about this for the next several years, I would rather you take my first-born.”

“This idea is cheap, effective, and will make this old historic baseball stadium much prettier,” said Debra Boone, spokeswoman for the discount party-supply store, which has two locations in the greater Richmond area.  “Of course, the color scheme of the decorations will really depend on which team comes to the city, as it does not yet have one.”

The beautification-upgrade announcement comes amid an intense ballpark debate in Richmond that pits backers of a $60 million stadium in Shockoe Bottom and those who support a $28 million plan to rebuild the Diamond on the Boulevard. Boone said the “simple, decorative makeover” to the former home of the Richmond Braves, who left the city last year, will be funded entirely by private money and will not require taxpayer dollars. 

The cost is estimated at $250.

In addition to Christmas lights and streamers that will run along the park-facing overhang  of The Diamond, New Jersey-based Party City is recommending hanging doorway danglers inside of “each and every” doorframe at the ballpark, as well as giving out cone-shaped party hats to the first 100 guests at each game.

Richmond Mayor Dwight C. Jones praised the Party City plan, saying it was “the first great idea I’ve heard” for bringing a minor-league team back to the Virginia capitol.  If all goes according to plan, he said a new team could be playing in Richmond as early as Aug. 1, 8500.