“Based on an analysis of the solid and liquid matter that constitutes the first 100 feet underneath Richmond proper, it would appear that the city’s founders built this city, built this city on rock and roll,” said Monica Pierce, lead geologist on the study.

“I repeat: We built this city on rock and roll,” she added.

During a 50-minute press conference at U.Va., Pierce told reporters how researchers were able to “see” evidence of sedimentary rock and roll formations underneath the 63-square-mile city using numerous geological-surveying techniques, including drilling, underwater sonar mapping, and reviewing nearly 700 hours of 1980s-era music videos.

Among the findings, the geologist said, were hundreds of underground caverns filled with piles of classic rock albums, “a crapload” of 8-track and cassette tapes that form a natural reef in the James River, and the city’s most notable landmarks: a stairway to Heaven and a highway to Hell.

“While we have long believed aspirin or ibuprofen to be the best weapon to combat a fever, it would appear that the only prescription for a fever is, in fact, more cowbell,” said Lydia Whalen, VCU’s lead researcher on the study, which subjected nearly 300 people with fevers to the sounds of the idiophonic percussion instrument being repeatedly struck with a drumstick.  “We really explored the spatial data with the cowbell, and though it seemed such a thing would make the pain worse in the head area, nope, the fever got much better.”

Added Whalen: “If you got a fever…the only prescription…is more cowbell.”

In addition to the fever-cowbell link, Whalen has uncovered a number of other interesting correlations during the past year, including how a bitch is rarely one of a man’s 99 problems, and figuring out who actually started The Fire.  “We didn’t,” the researcher quickly noted.

The 149-page report found that nearly 92 percent of residents aged 22 to 38 had “a suspicious number” of 16-ounce conical pint glasses stocked in their own cabinets.  Most all of the cups feature the  the logos of iconic beer brands, such as Sierra Nevada and Brooklyn Brewery, as well as local restaurants, including Legends and Capital Ale House.

“What is so interesting about this phenomenon is that people aren’t just drinking alcohol from these glasses, but using them for daily beverage consumption, from water to milk to orange juice, or even as an ice cream bowl,” said Lydia Whalen, VCU’s lead researcher on the report, which observed the cupboard habits of more than 300 people under age 40 in the greater Richmond area.  “Furthermore, this is an age group that has a high level of disposable income and could easily afford to buy their own glassware, even pint glasses - yet they choose to create their own collection from that of the local restaurant glassware stock.”

“I know from experience,” the 32-year-old scientist and frequent glass-stealer added.

In only 20 percent of the cases, Whalen said, the glassware was authorized to be removed from the bar in an established and publicized ‘Steal The Glass’ night, an event held by several local breweries and restaurants.

James Schalow, a downtown copywriter, said taking glassware from restaurants is “a fun pastime for me and my friends” – albeit a Class 3 misdemeanor.

“It works best if you have a chick with you, who has a purse that can hold four or five of them at a time,” said the 29-year-old, whose cabinets include three plates, a bowl, and 71 pint glasses marked with an array of beer brand logos.  “Those things are all we have in our apartment.  Plus they have great grips and stack really well.  I’ve even nuked mac and cheese in them.  Extremely versatile.”

Restaurant owners having sought revenge with glass stealers by rigging each glass to – at a certain moment in time – slip from the drinker’s hands and smash into millions of tiny, un-sweepable shards.

Richmond police said the light, rapid sounds of subdued clapping began around 2 a.m., growing louder by the hour.  By 8 a.m. today, the sounds of the distant, emotionless applause – typically heard offscreen during televised golf tournaments – was audible within 60 miles of the city’s center. 

“As of now, we are not entirely certain where the golf clapping is coming from, and whoever or whatever is doing it, we are unsure of whether they are showing us appreciation or looking down at us with sarcasm,” Richmond Police Chief Bryan T. Norwood said.   ”Seriously, was it something I did or said?”

Residents have attempted to go about their day as routinely as possible, but say they are perplexed by the spiritless, constant pattern golf clapping – and worry they have done something to merit the rather indifferent applause.

“I mean, the purpose of the golf clap is to do it lightly, fingers on one hand to the palm of the other, so you don’t bother the golfers on other holes,” said Greg Getz, walking into his downtown office.  “But the fact that it’s such a lackluster sound and everyone in the city can hear it would lead me to believe someone, somewhere is mocking us.”

Added the 52-year-old: “Is this about me putting my foot in my mouth during the party on Saturday night?”

Norwood said the police would try to uncover the source of the golf clapping by the end of the day, but was relieved the noise was not a slow, open-handed clap, “which would definitely mean it was sarcastic.”

The move comes after the company acknowledged that the new ChapStick – a lip-moistening ointment mixed with the yellow-green coarse grains found in a number of trees and grasses – may cause itchy faces and throats, severe nasal congestion, inflammation of the mucous membranes, and watery eyes in users.  Wyeth confirmed that two people have been hospitalized with “something about a severe allergic reaction or whatever” after applying the pollen ChapStick, marketed as a direct competitor to the Burt’s Bees line of personal care products.

“Over the years, Wyeth has developed a number of popular ChapStick flavors to prevent chapped lips, and we truly thought a pollen seasoning would be a great way for people to experience a taste they may not have tried before,” Wyeth spokeswoman Celina Fleet said in a statement.  “As it turns out, pollen doesn’t really have a taste, per se, and a good many people apparently react very, very negatively to its presence.”

The gaffe is the first for the ChapStick brand in nearly a decade, after a 2000 incident when Wyeth introduced a naturally-flavored lip balm that contained real pieces of human lip.

Thought you knew the Richmond skyline?  Take another look.

Buildings, parks, trees, highways and more now appear to show length, width, depths and height when viewed from any angle – and without the need for special 3-D glasses.

“I was looking at the skyline from across the [James] river the other day, and it was like the [14th Street] bridge was coming right towards me, and got smaller in the distance,” said Shockoe Bottom resident Alicia Boyd.  “Not only that, I could totally tell that some buildings were farther away than others, or estimate how much further I had to walk in order to cross the road.”

“It was just like real life,” she added.

Mayor Dwight Jones said in a press conference this morning that making the city have dimensions of space and time to “truly showcase our physical universe” was one of his first priorities as mayor.  

“You can look down any streetscape now and instantly tell if a person is far away, or up close.  No need for special glasses,” the mayor said.  “You can even reach out and touch parts of the city, like sidewalks, trees, what-have-you.  So when you think about it, the city is basically four dimensions now.”

Jones said he hoped to have city covered in that Magic Eye stuff by November 2010.