“There is no topic of greater importance to me than preserving the biological integrity of marine ecosystems by curbing overfishing and preventing the destruction of our precious marine habitats,” said the Justice League of America founder, who can swim really fast, like, even up a waterfall if he needed to do so. 

However, the lecture is expected to last only 30 minutes so that he can get back to the water, as Aquaman becomes weak if he stays on land for more than an hour or two.  “Superman has kryptonite, I have land,” chuckled Aquaman, who, unlike the Man of Steel, cannot fly or shoot anything out of his eyes and probably enjoys Nickelback’s music. 

Aquaman’s remarks will take place tonight at 6:30 p.m. in the Walter L. Rice Education Building, located at 1000 W. Cary St. A VCU spokesman said there are “plenty” of seats available for the talk, “possibly more than any event we’ve ever hosted.”

The superhero said he will stick around afterward for autographs – “briefly, as time is of the essence in order to get back to water” – should anyone actually want one.

“While we have long believed aspirin or ibuprofen to be the best weapon to combat a fever, it would appear that the only prescription for a fever is, in fact, more cowbell,” said Lydia Whalen, VCU’s lead researcher on the study, which subjected nearly 300 people with fevers to the sounds of the idiophonic percussion instrument being repeatedly struck with a drumstick.  “We really explored the spatial data with the cowbell, and though it seemed such a thing would make the pain worse in the head area, nope, the fever got much better.”

Added Whalen: “If you got a fever…the only prescription…is more cowbell.”

In addition to the fever-cowbell link, Whalen has uncovered a number of other interesting correlations during the past year, including how a bitch is rarely one of a man’s 99 problems, and figuring out who actually started The Fire.  “We didn’t,” the researcher quickly noted.

Despite what you may have seen, the most popular guy in school does not possess the ability to call a Time Out and explain to you what the hell is going on in high school.

To prepare you for the demands of college, it helps to develop a college-level attitude toward your studies early in your academic career.  Go ahead and blow off geometry to do some bong hits and listen to Phish over at Jeff’s house.

Prayer in public school is largely verboten, which is great news for you, since you’ve always been ashamed of your Scientology upbringing anyway.

Back to school shopping is one of the most fun parts about the new school year. We’ll take you to Kohl’s and get you some new slacks, and I hear Macy’s is having a huge sale on boyswear, and, oh, you’re just gonna look so handsome!

Also, be sure to take advantage of those back-to-school sales! You can get an amazing deal on an Eight Ball at various places on the East Side, and the ingredients for meth can be found cheap and easily at a local hardware store.

Bullies are difficult to deal with.  They are a smaller form of bull, though they still have horns and are super powerful.

You might be inclined to try out for a sport this year. Bowling team tryouts are Thursday, after school in the gym. No seriously (snicker), they begin at 3 o’clock. You should totally try out. Yeah, (tee-hee) bring the proper shoes and wear a bowling shirt (chortle). Shh…no, guys, (lol) seriously, shutup-shutup.

Don’t worry, no matter how cool he looks and how many girls he gets, the jock will turn out to be a big loser when he grows up.  Actually, wait, that’s what happens in the movies.  He’ll always be a rich, good-looking, awesome person, and you’ll remain a poor, pathetic loser.

The type of backpack you choose says a lot about who you are, especially after the lacrosse team tapes a sign to it that reads, “I pee sitting down.”

It’s important to build good rapport with your teachers. And you want to get good grades, don’t you? Of course you do. Say, have you ever had wine before? Would you like to try some? You know, I see the way you look at me from your desk during class…

Did you remember bring your lunch money? Well then hand it over, bitch. And you better not tell Ms. Caffey this time or I’ll hit you with your Batman Returns Thermos.

The seats in the back of the school bus are typically the most sought after, and therefore reserved for the more popular students. That’s where we sit, as we are the type of people who make the club get crunk.  If you wanna bump and slump with us, well then quit being such a pussy.

[Insert bringing-gun-to-school-joke that we are too afraid to make here.]

Fitting in can be difficult, but the most important thing to remember is to be yourself! When you be yourself, you’ll do just…wait, wait, drama club? You joined the drama club? Dude, seriously: you are so gay.

The inauguration of Norman, held during the wait in the cafeteria’s lunch line, included the ritualistic asking by one-time Pen 15 Club member Michael Richels as to whether the 11-year-old was interested in joining the priviledged organization.

“Sure!,” an excited Norman was overheard saying, according to sources.  Richels, 12, then performed the public initiation ceremony: the writing of the word “Pen” followed by the number 15 onto his friend’s outer forearm, in permanent marker.

“I knew he would want to join as soon as I asked,” Richels said chuckling, noting he was a member of the Pen 15 Club for five minutes last week before washing his arm with soap and hot water.  “Javon falls for everything.” 

Norman said he later asked Richels during a computer class to nonchalantly log onto PenIsland.com in order to “view all the neat types of pens for sale.”

“Something something hard work something-or-other about your destiny whatever, positive outlook, future personal growth, entering the real world is exciting great job, super job, you guys are amazing,” said one of the speech makers, who was either some well-known public figure or perhaps a minority student with a great life story of some sort. 

Or maybe he or she was handicapped. 

“Live long and prosper,” the graduation speaker said, though we’re paraphrasing what was actually said with a line from Star Trek.

Many graduates – regardless of whether they attended Virginia Commonwealth University, Virginia Union University, the University of Richmond, or elsewhere – said that they were hopeful for the future, and blah, blah, blah, were really looking forward to the real world, so on and so forth missing all the close friends they made, staying in touch over Facebook and oh God please don’t let the Vitamin C graduation song start playing over the speakers. 

Ugh, just did.

Everyone then threw their graduation hat things in the air and yelled, most all completely unaware that they will fall far short of their personal dreams after college.

“It’s just like, you know,” said Linsley, who despite his upbringing in a white, middle-class neighborhood in Henrico County’s far West End reaffirmed his acceptance of all cultures, and, specifically, races that are the exact opposite of his.  “I’m sure it’s a wonderful school, I just…you know how this college search process goes.  I’m sure there’s something out there that better fits what I’m looking for in terms of my education and social networks.”

“Not that the social networks there are bad, it’s just maybe not for me,” the visibly shaken cross-country runner said of the 84-acre North Side campus.

When pressed by his guidance counselor as to the specific reasons he would not want to attend the school, Linsley stated there was “not one particular thing” that kept him from enrolling in Virginia Union.  He did note that he was apprehensive over some “general, high-level contrasts” between his and the student body’s musical tastes, clothing styles, and one noticeable, salient set of traits used to identify human beings that is vastly different from his own.

“Different good, not different bad,” he was sure to say.

The 17-year-old later noted that he really thinks Virginia Union could “be a great fit for my best friend, Marcellus [Harris Jr.] who is, like, you know.”

Faced with a low graduation rate, fiscal mismanagement and poor public perception, Richmond Public Schools Superintendent Yvonne W. Brandon said in a press conference this morning that the public school system is on the verge of, ohmigod, there is a group over there selling Girl Scout cookies.

“There have been some missteps in this school system in the past, and we are poised for change,” Brandon said, noting that Richmond schools enroll only two-thirds of school-age children in the city, but whatever, does anyone have another dollar for a box of Samoas?  They’re only $3.50, and I got like $2.20, and Jesus those things are good. 

I’ll pay you back.

“Something about kids or truancy or something,” Brandon probably said, likely noting an important percentage of some sort, let’s say 52 percent, along with vanilla cookies dipped in caramel and toasted coconut and laced with chocolate stripes.  “School stuff, kids, children and how they are our future,” the superintendent more than likely said at some point during the 20-minute press conference, which feels like it is lasting a lifetime until I can get my hands on a few boxes of those things.

A statement about  speciality programs.  An update on remediation efforts.  They are definitely almost out of Trefoils, I can tell, because I don’t see any more yellow boxes anywhere over there.  Oh, and frigging Tagalongs.  Forgot about those.  You can buy and eat them now, right?  Like, I don’t have to put in an order and wait a few weeks like you used to.  No?  Good.  Good. 

Great to hear.

Brandon noted that the public school system’s dropout rate is among the worst in the state, which, speaking of Virginia, that reminds me, there are some great farms here, many of which have dairy cows, which produce milk, which I definitely need to make sure I have enough of before I crush a sleeve of Thin Mints after this stupid meeting.

Playing his final game as an athlete last night, Virginia Commonwealth University senior point guard Eric Maynor said it had finally come time to “put sports behind him” and concentrate on earning a college degree to prepare for his future. 

“Basketball is great and all and a ton of fun, and I’ve made some close friends doing it, but it’s time I start to think about a career,” said the 22-year-old, VCU’s all-time leader in both assists and points.  Maynor said he hopes to land an internship as an accountant, or possibly “find a stint” in public-relations this summer.  “The future really is wide open for me at this point.  I’m sure I’ll find something out there.”

VCU fell short in its upset bid against UCLA last night, 65-64, ending a storied basketball career for the Colonial Athletic Association player of the year, considered the greatest in the university’s history.  Maynor left the court in Philadelphia and immediately flew back to the VCU library to study for finals week, which he noted is “just around  the corner” in May.

Maynor said that if he couldn’t find work by June, he would maybe head up to New York, resume in hand, and attend a job fair at Madison Square Garden.

Claiming that the couple was glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife at the time, Chesterfield County high school student Evan Bay told reporters this morning that a romantic encounter in his car with fellow classmate Katie Craig could only be described as “seeing paradise by the dashboard light.”

“I remember every little thing about it, as though it happened only yesterday,” the 17-year-old said, noting the late Saturday evening encounter took place after parking his father’s Chevrolet Suburban by a lake with nary another car in sight.  “Up until that point, I’d never had a girl looking any better than she did.”

“I bet all the guys at school really wished they were me that night,” he added.

Even Craig, who sneaked out of her home into the cold, lonely and deep dark night, admitted that the pair was “doubly blessed” with the heavy make-out session.

“Ain’t no doubt about it,” the barely 17-year-old said, again noting the two were very blessed.  “Baby got to go and shout it.”

Yet, despite Bay’s determination to “go all the way,” the high school senior could not help but pay attention to a rather intense baseball game being broadcast over the radio at the time.

“I mean, it was two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth, a line shot up the middle, the guy was flying,” Bay said.  “He rounded first, made it safely to second.  Then the next batter steps up to the plate, and the guy steals third!  Bunt down the third base line, and the guy goes for home!  It was crazy.”

However, in his attempts to both listen to the radio and take the make-out session to the next level, Bay was was quickly stopped by his girlfriend of nearly two months, who then repeatedly demanded the young man love her forever, make her happy for the rest of her life, and, eventually, make her his wife.

“Baby.  Baby, let me sleep on it,” Bay said he remembered replying to Craig, noting he would give her an answer in the morning. “The morning.  I’ll tell you in the morning.”

After repeated questioning from Craig, sources said the boy finally caved and “swore to God and on his mother’s grave” that he would love her until the end of time, a moment that, unbeknownst to him in the car, he will one day hope to arrive as soon as possible.

Virginia Commonwealth University art history major and self-described professional street-crosser Kartik Malhotra said today that his daily morning crossing of Laurel Street at Franklin Street was “absolutely impeccable.”

“I knew that, from the moment I began crossing the street, this traverse of Franklin was a sheer winner, and that the front of my shoe would just narrowly miss the back end of that [Hyundai] Elantra,” said the 19-year-old Malhotra, who was listening to his iPod at the time of the road fording.  “I’m sure the driver of that car pretty much thought they’d nail me on their port side, but I was in complete control the entire time.”

“It was so sweet,” he added.

Malhotra’s street-crossing luck ended roughly four minutes later at Laurel and Main streets, where the student almost timed his crossing perfectly but was instead struck by a motorcycle, flipped into the air, and run over by driver Nancy Kadi, a VCU student and self-described “professional mopeder.”