Supporters of a Medal of Honor recipient who was ordered to remove a flagpole from his yard by his homeowner’s association called on the group yesterday to similarly remove their heads from deep inside their asses.

Col. Van T. Barfoot, a 90-year-old war veteran in Henrico County, was told by the homeowner’s association of his community – most of whom go about their daily lives unable to see or walk normally due to their craniums being fully-lodged in their anal cavity – to remove a flagpole from his yard.

The homeowner’s covenant does not specifically forbid flagpoles in yards, nor are there restrictions on heads up asses.

“This case seems to be an absolute exception to the rule,” said David Higley, one of the vet’s supporters along with U.S. Senator Mark R. Warner, D-VA.  “We understand that rules are rules, but we also understand that some people can be, like, some serious dicks.”

Supporters of the war vet said that if the homeowner’s association does not remove their heads from their asses by 5 p.m. on Friday, they could face legal action and a rather painful surgery.

“I’m checking my notes and it’s the normal car wreck, a house fire, weather updates…just the same old, same old,” said WTVR-CBS6 anchor Angela Pellerano.  “Honestly, what we could really use on a slow news day such as today is a landmark shift in Virginia law, perhaps a topic that concerns consumers and/or the health of the general public.”

Added Pellerano: “Seriously though, why does the date ‘December 1′ ring such a bell?”

Print media officials similarly noted that they are going to be “hard pressed” to figure out a decent photograph to run on this, such a normal day for news coverage.

“It would be nice if something important were actually happening today, like a scenario in which we could take a picture of a small business owner who’s venture has been affected, for better or worse, by government action,” said Gerald Xavier, a city desk editor at the Richmond Times-Dispatch. “It’s too bad there’s nothing like that around today.”

WRVA-1140AM radio host Jimmy Barrett agreed.

“What I’d like to discuss is a statewide issue that has clear proponents and opponents, where we could interview lawmakers and ‘Average Joe’s’ alike,” said Barrett, a 9-year veteran at the station.  “I guess people have different opinions of the weather, so – barring no other major story that coincides and conflicts with more than 400 years of Virginia’s history – the weather it is.”

Xavier, at the Times-Dispatch, said that he planned an early afternoon meeting with staffers at a nearby pub, where they could sit down and discuss ideas for possible articles over a couple of beers and some cigarettes.

Capitol Square, the 4-acre home to Virginia’s most prominent government buildings and the historic State Capitol, is “technically a trapezoid,” a leading geometric expert said today.

“I mean I don’t want to split hairs here, but I’m surprised you guys never figured this out,” said Virginia Commonwealth University math professor Ian J. Haley, drawing a red line (pictured above) around the four streets that comprise what he calls the Capitol Trapezoid.  “That thing is clearly a four sided figure, but it only has one pair of parallel sides.”

“Unlike a square, which has two pairs of parallel sides,” Haley added.  “Duh.”

While the professor noted that the term “square” can also be defined as the center of town or a “plaza of sorts,” Haley dismissed such a notion as nonsense when referring to Capitol Square, established more than 200 years ago. 

“The fact is, those responsible for upkeep of Capitol Square have been misrepresenting this venerable plot of land for decades,” Haley said.  “Tourists, including school kids, have been visiting this so-called ‘Square’ for as long as anyone can remember, only to realize now that there was never any symmetry to it all.”

The mathematical discovery sent shockwaves throughout the world of Virginia geometry, causing experts to re-measure several iconic city and state shapes that make coordinate-specific claims in their names.  Late yesterday, after mathematicians found that its ratio of circumference to diameter was indeed 3.14, or Pi, Monument Avenue’s Stuart Circle was confirmed as such. 

Farther east, Haley called Virginia’s Historic Triangle – Yorktown, Jamestown and Williamsburg – a “complete farce of spacial-relativity proportions,” as it is not possible to drive, fly or even walk from one place to the other in a fully-straight line.

As of press time, Haley said experts had still not taken official measurements of the Pentagon.

“We wanted to give people the chance to really open up these babies and push the Segway to its limits,” said Segway of Richmond owner Harold Corwin, noting the self-balancing electric vehicle’s top speed of 12.5 miles per hour feels “exhilarating” on a wide-open roadway beside semi-trucks and fast-moving cars. 

Though getting the hang of steering a Segway takes a few minutes, Corwin said once riders feel comfortable using the ”Lean Steer” handlebar and leaning forward and backward to set speed, “they’ll do just fine” joining commuters along Interstates 95 and 64, the main high-traffic arteries through the Richmond metropolitan area.  For an added fee, Corwin will take customers along the Powhite Parkway and Downtown Expressway toll roads.

Already, customers say they are excited for the Segway or the Highway tour.

“I have a motorcycle that I enjoy taking out for a Sunday cruise, but to have the ability to actually be on a highway while standing up and moving…sounds enticing,” said Brooke Ramos, who has taken the original Segway city tour but said it lacked the element of soul-crushing fear that she was looking for.  “Plus, Segway makes you wear a helmet when you’re out there riding, so it’s actually much safer than it looks.” 

The cost of the highway tour is $70 per person, Corwin said.  For an additional $5, customers can waive the requirement to wear a helmet, and for another $20, Segway will throw in a case of crusing beers.

A new study released today by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has cited “serious design flaws” with the floodwall surrounding downtown Richmond, saying that while it is adequate enough to hold back rising river waters, it does nothing to keep hordes of Southside residents from entering the city.

The James River – originally constructed as a moat to keep residents of Chesterfield County from invading or patronizing downtown restaurants and shops – was braced with a floodwall ranging in height from 15 to 25 feet in 1988 as a means to further barricade Richmond from a Southsidian infiltration.

“However, one of the key mistakes in the floodwall is that there are several bridges spanning the James, thus allowing those from the south of the river to easily drive, walk or bike into downtown,” said Frank M. Lewis, lead author of the report, titled Richmond Floodwall: Keeping Those People From Down There Far, Far Away.  “The floodwall is almost useless in the sense of keeping those people from entering the city’s core.” 

“It’s as if Richmonders don’t mind that Southsiders come to the city,” he added.

Lewis noted that the presence of a “small handful” of Southsiders in Richmond is not a problem, and can be dealt with properly by law enforcement officials.  Larger masses of Southsiders create the true worry, he said, with the report finding that 70 percent of “south of the river” citizens enter the city and cause trouble, while the remaining 40 percent cannot do math.

“Southsiders come into the city, many times for big outdoor concerts or street festivals, and will naturally become confused, lost or intoxicated, and the police can handle that,” Lewis said.  “The danger here comes in when there a massive influx of Southsiders come into the city – typically corresponding with a public event – and become agitated and destructive.”

A worst-case scenario, Lewis said, would be something like that one sweet scene from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, whereby 10,000 Uruk-hai use ladders and catapults and stuff to climb over the wall during the battle at Helm’s Deep.

“I love that part in the movie,” Lewis said.  “But for real, Southsiders are like that.”

Indeed, Richmond residents say.  With nearly four dozen incidents of trampling, suffocation and beheadings during downtown outdoor events during the past year – all attributed to Southsiders – locals say they are concerned with the study’s findings.

“I don’t know why they want to come here anyways, they have their own speedway and like 15 different malls,” said Richmond resident Anne Burwell, noting that expensive tolls were placed along almost all direct entry points into downtown from Southside as a means of keeping “those people” away from the city.

As for resolving the “many inherent problems” with the floodwall, the report offers several approaches, including making the wall higher, rigging it with barbed wire, or “installing nearly 400 motion-sensing flamethrowers with grenade launchers attached because that would look really awesome.”

“You see this thing? Basically a fortress built on a Ford-550’s chassis. Loaded with guns and grenades and stuff.  Who wants some?  Do you?  You want some?” asked the 52-year-old, who explains that he has long wanted to open up several cans of his special blend of Whoop Ass onto anyone who so much as lays a finger on his armored truck, which transports valuables from banks and retail establishments throughout Central Virginia.

Raising the tip of his tactical shotgun, McHale explained that he is more than ready to go up in fisticuffs with any sumbitch who tries to mess with him.

“You see the gun holes on the sides of this truck? They’re for sticking guns through,” he said.  “Our clients can rest assured that their valuables make it to their destination, and that we will take you down.”

Added McHale: “Bring it.”

Richmond resident Hugh Van Simonds said that he would likely heed McHale’s warning should he ever encounter the armored truck driver anywhere around town.

“I’ve seen in that Batman movie and Heat how hard it is to take out an armored truck, and this guy seems like the real deal,” the 25-year-old said, loading his rocket-propelled grenade launcher.  “That being said, he did just issue us a challenge, and I’ve never been one to turn down a dare.”

Despite what you may have seen, the most popular guy in school does not possess the ability to call a Time Out and explain to you what the hell is going on in high school.

To prepare you for the demands of college, it helps to develop a college-level attitude toward your studies early in your academic career.  Go ahead and blow off geometry to do some bong hits and listen to Phish over at Jeff’s house.

Prayer in public school is largely verboten, which is great news for you, since you’ve always been ashamed of your Scientology upbringing anyway.

Back to school shopping is one of the most fun parts about the new school year. We’ll take you to Kohl’s and get you some new slacks, and I hear Macy’s is having a huge sale on boyswear, and, oh, you’re just gonna look so handsome!

Also, be sure to take advantage of those back-to-school sales! You can get an amazing deal on an Eight Ball at various places on the East Side, and the ingredients for meth can be found cheap and easily at a local hardware store.

Bullies are difficult to deal with.  They are a smaller form of bull, though they still have horns and are super powerful.

You might be inclined to try out for a sport this year. Bowling team tryouts are Thursday, after school in the gym. No seriously (snicker), they begin at 3 o’clock. You should totally try out. Yeah, (tee-hee) bring the proper shoes and wear a bowling shirt (chortle). Shh…no, guys, (lol) seriously, shutup-shutup.

Don’t worry, no matter how cool he looks and how many girls he gets, the jock will turn out to be a big loser when he grows up.  Actually, wait, that’s what happens in the movies.  He’ll always be a rich, good-looking, awesome person, and you’ll remain a poor, pathetic loser.

The type of backpack you choose says a lot about who you are, especially after the lacrosse team tapes a sign to it that reads, “I pee sitting down.”

It’s important to build good rapport with your teachers. And you want to get good grades, don’t you? Of course you do. Say, have you ever had wine before? Would you like to try some? You know, I see the way you look at me from your desk during class…

Did you remember bring your lunch money? Well then hand it over, bitch. And you better not tell Ms. Caffey this time or I’ll hit you with your Batman Returns Thermos.

The seats in the back of the school bus are typically the most sought after, and therefore reserved for the more popular students. That’s where we sit, as we are the type of people who make the club get crunk.  If you wanna bump and slump with us, well then quit being such a pussy.

[Insert bringing-gun-to-school-joke that we are too afraid to make here.]

Fitting in can be difficult, but the most important thing to remember is to be yourself! When you be yourself, you’ll do just…wait, wait, drama club? You joined the drama club? Dude, seriously: you are so gay.

“It is important for you to always stay humble.” -God

“Yes, but sometimes, Dad, you have to brag.” -Jesus Christ

We’d like to take a moment to thank Richmonders for voting Tobacco Avenue as the city’s Best Blog in this month’s Richmond Magazine, on newsstands now.  We’re truly really appreciative, to the point that some parts of our bodies – most all of mine – are tingling.  Now if you’ll excuse me, it is time to eat my daily spaghetti. -Randolph J. Strummer Jr., Editor and Publisher.

With yet another plan for a ballpark being pitched at a riverside site across from downtown, roughly 1.2 million Richmond residents today beseeched city leaders to, for the love of God, please make it stop.

“At this point, I guess I support baseball in Richmond or whatever, but if we have to go through a few more years of studies and news reports and public forums about this crap, I swear, I’m going for the gun,” said North Side resident William Wright, noting that he is only half-joking.  “What do they want?  Is this about my money?”

Added Wright, handing over his wallet to a reporter: “Here, take all I’ve got.”

Many city residents echoed his comments.  One woman interviewed for this story said she would rather be buried alive than read yet another newspaper story on where funding would come from for a new baseball field. 

Several citizens mentioned that, should another proposal be “pitched” or “put onto the table,” they would fall back into their illegal drug habits, turn to alcoholism, or gleefully spend hours alone crying in a living room with the blinds tightly drawn.

Also: Jesus Tapdancing Christ, here we go again.

The reactions come on the heels of an informal discussion to build a ballpark on 17.5-acres on the south bank of the James River.  Upon hearing the latest idea for baseball – less than a week after a similar plan in Shockoe Bottom was nixed – many city residents fell to the ground, crying, begging for relief.

“Dear Lord, I understand that while taxpayer dollars would be required to fund a stadium, along with support from regional entities and done in ways that are consistent with the Downtown Master Plan,” Fan resident Francis Clements prayed, “but if this means hearing about this for the next several years, I would rather you take my first-born.”

Entited “Visions of Regionalism,” the mural will be placed on both the north- and south-bound lanes of the Powhite starting this fall.  The toll road, which opened in 1973, will be closed for approximately six months during the mural’s development, rerouting traffic onto nearby roads throughout Chesterfield County.

“What I want this composition to symbolize and evoke is the need to bring the various communities in the Richmond area together and work as one,”  Trask said.  “Plus, painting on a road seems like it’d be kind of cool, I’ve never done that before.”

Still, while Trask believes the road mural will add an “implicit beauty” to Virginia State Route 76 – as the Powhite is technically known – there have been detractors to the project.  Critics have complained that the mural will cover up the toll road’s single- and dotted-white lines, typically necessary for alleviating traffic flow, along with the “STAY IN LANE” on-road signage near the E-ZPass terminals.

However, notes Trask: “I wouldn’t worry too much about that.”