Capitol Square, the 4-acre home to Virginia’s most prominent government buildings and the historic State Capitol, is “technically a trapezoid,” a leading geometric expert said today.

“I mean I don’t want to split hairs here, but I’m surprised you guys never figured this out,” said Virginia Commonwealth University math professor Ian J. Haley, drawing a red line (pictured above) around the four streets that comprise what he calls the Capitol Trapezoid.  “That thing is clearly a four sided figure, but it only has one pair of parallel sides.”

“Unlike a square, which has two pairs of parallel sides,” Haley added.  “Duh.”

While the professor noted that the term “square” can also be defined as the center of town or a “plaza of sorts,” Haley dismissed such a notion as nonsense when referring to Capitol Square, established more than 200 years ago. 

“The fact is, those responsible for upkeep of Capitol Square have been misrepresenting this venerable plot of land for decades,” Haley said.  “Tourists, including school kids, have been visiting this so-called ‘Square’ for as long as anyone can remember, only to realize now that there was never any symmetry to it all.”

The mathematical discovery sent shockwaves throughout the world of Virginia geometry, causing experts to re-measure several iconic city and state shapes that make coordinate-specific claims in their names.  Late yesterday, after mathematicians found that its ratio of circumference to diameter was indeed 3.14, or Pi, Monument Avenue’s Stuart Circle was confirmed as such. 

Farther east, Haley called Virginia’s Historic Triangle – Yorktown, Jamestown and Williamsburg – a “complete farce of spacial-relativity proportions,” as it is not possible to drive, fly or even walk from one place to the other in a fully-straight line.

As of press time, Haley said experts had still not taken official measurements of the Pentagon.

The warnings have been put up by Richmond’s Parks, Recreation and Community Facilities Department to combat the growing epidemic of physical activity along the 10-year-old city walkway.  Those caught running or moving at speeds greater than 3.5 miles per hour along the 1.25-mile pathway may be fined up to $200 per offense, the department said.

“Look, this isn’t the Canal Run, it’s the Canal Walk,” said John R. Pope Jr., director of parks and recreation department.  “There are gyms and treadmills for that sort of thing. We’re simply trying to preserve our leisurely Southern pace along the James River, so let’s all slow it down a bit and take it easy out there.”

Accepted along the Canal Walk, he said, is any form of strolling, meandering and prancing, including at least four different forms of strides.  Any type of run, jog, “and especially trot” is strictly prohibited, he said.

Many city residents said they were not pleased with the new ordinance.  Rebecca Mundelson, a Virginia Commonwealth University student and avid runner, said she has long enjoyed the scenic beauty and natural wildlife that the city’s historic waterway offers.

“I thought they put the Canal Walk there for folks like me, who want to get out and exercise and enjoy the outdoors,” the 20-year-old said.  “But I guess this isn’t all that bad, because I can just stay in and get in more TV and snacks during the evenings.”   

For the most part, runners and joggers have largely ignored the notices, and aren’t dismayed by Pope’s hiding behind the bushes and shouting “No running!” as they pass.

Richmond police said the light, rapid sounds of subdued clapping began around 2 a.m., growing louder by the hour.  By 8 a.m. today, the sounds of the distant, emotionless applause – typically heard offscreen during televised golf tournaments – was audible within 60 miles of the city’s center. 

“As of now, we are not entirely certain where the golf clapping is coming from, and whoever or whatever is doing it, we are unsure of whether they are showing us appreciation or looking down at us with sarcasm,” Richmond Police Chief Bryan T. Norwood said.   ”Seriously, was it something I did or said?”

Residents have attempted to go about their day as routinely as possible, but say they are perplexed by the spiritless, constant pattern golf clapping – and worry they have done something to merit the rather indifferent applause.

“I mean, the purpose of the golf clap is to do it lightly, fingers on one hand to the palm of the other, so you don’t bother the golfers on other holes,” said Greg Getz, walking into his downtown office.  “But the fact that it’s such a lackluster sound and everyone in the city can hear it would lead me to believe someone, somewhere is mocking us.”

Added the 52-year-old: “Is this about me putting my foot in my mouth during the party on Saturday night?”

Norwood said the police would try to uncover the source of the golf clapping by the end of the day, but was relieved the noise was not a slow, open-handed clap, “which would definitely mean it was sarcastic.”