“Leave me behind, save yourself, you hear me? Get the hell out of here,” one source said, noting they’re coming for us all, and, additionally, requested that you tell Rebecca that he loves her. “You gotta run! Run as fast as you can!”

Added the source: “The chopper is waiting, hurry!”

Several sources with knowledge of the situation but who are not authorized to speak on the matter also confirmed that Mark died in the initial blast, but we can’t think about that right now because you gotta keep your head together and get  the hell out of here, no, no, no, we’re not going back, you have got to keep moving, goddammit John, listen to me, listen to me! LISTEN TO ME!  We’re not going to make it out of here alive if we don’t keep moving, you have to pull yourself together, Jesus Christ it’s on my leg, get it off, get it off!  Argh! They’re getting closer! The whole place is about to blow, dammit we’re not gotta make it to the helicopter!  They’re gonna leave us here! Run!

“We wanted to give people the chance to really open up these babies and push the Segway to its limits,” said Segway of Richmond owner Harold Corwin, noting the self-balancing electric vehicle’s top speed of 12.5 miles per hour feels “exhilarating” on a wide-open roadway beside semi-trucks and fast-moving cars. 

Though getting the hang of steering a Segway takes a few minutes, Corwin said once riders feel comfortable using the ”Lean Steer” handlebar and leaning forward and backward to set speed, “they’ll do just fine” joining commuters along Interstates 95 and 64, the main high-traffic arteries through the Richmond metropolitan area.  For an added fee, Corwin will take customers along the Powhite Parkway and Downtown Expressway toll roads.

Already, customers say they are excited for the Segway or the Highway tour.

“I have a motorcycle that I enjoy taking out for a Sunday cruise, but to have the ability to actually be on a highway while standing up and moving…sounds enticing,” said Brooke Ramos, who has taken the original Segway city tour but said it lacked the element of soul-crushing fear that she was looking for.  “Plus, Segway makes you wear a helmet when you’re out there riding, so it’s actually much safer than it looks.” 

The cost of the highway tour is $70 per person, Corwin said.  For an additional $5, customers can waive the requirement to wear a helmet, and for another $20, Segway will throw in a case of crusing beers.

I can’t believe no one has thought of this before!

Here’s how it could go down: Two white guys who can’t really rap, doing a parody rap all about Richmond, and filmed all around Richmond: In front of bars and monuments and places around town that everyone knows, singing funny lyrics, yet, at the same time, promoting the area as a great place to live, work and play.

This could be huge.  I bet so many people would post it onto their Facebook page.

I’ve even thought of a line already, just while sitting here typing this: “Welcome to Richmond/This is what we do/I’m on a moped/Cruisin’ Monument Avenue.”  It rhymes, and me and the other guy could be, like, driving and riding on a moped.

And cruising down Monument Avenue at the same time, of course.

The music video would definitely need a chorus, too.  The chorus could make a mention of “RVA” and “River City,” making note of Richmond’s nicknames.  I’d need to throw in some other words that rhyme, I don’t know.  I’ve never really done something like this before.

Does anyone know of a good view of downtown that we could use as a backdrop for when we sing the chorus?  Jefferson Park up in Church Hill, maybe? Perhaps we could get some neighborhood kids to dance with us, who knows.

Oh man, and I just thought of this: We could dress up all preppy like people in Richmond do, and make fun of the people who go out in the Fan.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, we all go out on Robinson Street, but you know what I mean.  Like we could make fun of college students and stuff.

But we’d be funny and cool about it, as to ensure that the video is goofy enough to have a “viral” effect, yet remain as positive and upbeat about the city as possible.

We could showcase restaurants, maybe do some funny things on Segways.  Oh, and we’d definitely need to make fun of the Byrd Theater and those cramped seats, because everyone talks about those seats. 

Seriously guys, this is going to be the best music video about Richmond ever made.  I’m so excited to start making it.  Hey, hold on a second, will you?  My friend just posted a video to Facebook, something about Richmond.  Can’t be as good as my idea, though.

Well, son of a bitch. Nevermind, I guess.

Okay, so backup plan: What if we did the same video…but everyone is a zombie?

Moore, a self-proclaimed “comics geek” who owns nearly every Batman comic book since the superhero’s introduction in 1939, praised the president’s “impressive jawline” and “those pull-you-right-in eyes,” traits the business owner says make Obama a natural choice for the role in the upcoming 2011 film.

“Don’t get me wrong, Heath Ledger was awesome as Joker, but in the movie Joker didn’t die, and now that Heath is dead, I think Obama is perfect going forward,” said Moore, who put the banner of Obama, smeared with red lipstick, a white face and dark eyes onto his S. 15th St. strip club on Saturday.  “By hanging this poster, I’m hoping to catch the attention of the folks at [Batman series producers] Warner Bros., so they realize how awesome Obama would be as Joker.”  

Added Moore: “I love Barack Obama.”

Still, Richmonders remained divided on the issue of whether the nation’s first African-American president should play The Joker, a DC Comics supervillain who has traditionally been portrayed as a white man.

“Obama as the Joker? That is ridiculous. I mean the guy doesn’t even have any acting experience,” said King Salim Khalfani, director of the Virginia NAACP, which led a 40-person rally outside of Velvet yesterday protesting the president’s involvement in the next Christopher Nolan film.  “Now, Chris Nolan hasn’t put Mr. Freeze in his latest series, so I could potentially see Obama in that role, or maybe Penguin or Riddler.  Either of those would be cool.”

“Or has anyone thought of casting him as Batman? A black Batman could be a cool thing.  Just something to think about,” said Khalfani, noting he is “more of a Marvel [comics] guy than DC,” but can respect any superhero franchise no matter the company.

Others, however, sided with Moore.

“I never really thought about it until [Moore] hung that banner, but yeah, Obama really could pull of The Joker,” said Maria Salaguinito, standing in front of the roughly 8-foot by 10-foot promotional movie poster yesterday. ”Though most movie stars, like Arnold [Schwarzenegger] and Ronald Reagan, started in the movies and became politicians, not vice versa. Though Obama seems like a pretty hip guy and if he manages his time right, could find a way to fit filming into his busy schedule.”

This weekend’s poster controversy is not the first time Moore has shown his affinity for anything Batman-related. 

In 2007, the 44-year-old installed a pair of batsignals onto the roof of the club, which now shine every night in what Moore calls his “nerdy, nerdy, nerdy, nerdy desire” to draw the Caped Crusader from Gotham City to Richmond.  And last year, Moore was convicted of three misdemeanor charges related to having sex with a minor and filming it illegally, which, possibly, the filming thing had something to do with his love of Batman movies.

City Council members last night passed a landmark 9-0 resolution that will require murals by famed local artist Ed Trask to be put on the visible sides of all buildings within the Richmond metropolitan area’s 63-square-mile radius.

Trask, who has his imaginative murals on the insides and outsides of stores and shops throughout the Fan and downtown, is expected to paint approximately 2,800 more original wall-based pieces by the end of 2012.

“It’s going to be a challenge, no doubt about it,” said Trask, who has already placed an order for nearly 111 million gallons of paint for the project.  Asked if he would contract help for what City Councilman Bruce W. Tyler called the “Traskification” of Richmond, the artist questioned whether Michelangelo requested help in his painting of the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

“Which he did not,” Trask added.

The passed resolution states that all public spaces – including restaurants, shops, banks, libraries and all other locations within view of any person - prominently display at least one work by Trask.

The Traskification is currently in Phase I, Tyler said, with the artist’s works found at Delux, Ellwood Thompson’s, Kuba Kuba, Sidewalk Cafe, LuLu’s and Banditos.  Based on the success of the resolution, the city may extend the statute to private residences by 2011.

“Yeah, I saw Your Mom in this small little dress getting pretty frisky on the dance floor at Richbrau earlier, then she almost spilled her drink all over some guy,” said a source at the bar, who chose to remain anonymous but said that, whatever weird stuff you’re thinking about Your Mom is probably 100 percent true. ”I didn’t realized moms could dance like that, but Your Mom pulled it off.”

Man dude, Your Mom, wow.  “I mean wow,” sources noted.

Also, by that point in the evening, Your Mom had drank about 17 Cosmos and could no longer walk straight, the source added, noting the woman who used to pack your lunches before school was all over some huge dude who was macking on her bigtime.

According to Sine bartender Clive Hoeler,  Your Mom walked into the Shockoe Slip bar at approximately 11:30 p.m. and was “well oiled” when she began talking to some attractive young guy with an open-collar white shirt, a pretty hot tan jacket, and designer jeans.

“He was a good-looking guy, like model worthy, and he was definitely into Your Mom,” Hoeler said.  “And Your Mom was definitely digging him.  I’m pretty sure she was rubbing his back, if I remember right.”

Later in the evening, Your Mom got into the car with the younger gentleman, who sources have confirmed as Your Best Friend.

-The bars from south to north: 3 Monkeys and Helen’s (both technically on Main), Star Lite, Verbena, Commercial Taphouse, Curbside, Metro and Buddy’s.  We’re forgetting Racine because everybody forgets about Racine.

-There is a statue of a polar bear just outside of 3 Monkeys.  Though now stuffed, the bear was brought to Richmond in 2004 by the DHARMA Initiative before Sawyer shot and killed it.

-You might find the love of your life along Robinson Street, or at least the love of your next six to eight hours.

-There is a veterinarian, dog wash, and dog treat store all within a block of one another.  Something something punchline about dropping off asshole boyfriends or something.

-Prepare for a wait if you go to Metro. Legend has it that a girl once met her husband in line.  Then married him in line. And then they had three kids while waiting in line and sent them to college in line before finally getting inside only to wait 20 minutes for a single frigging beer.

-Hiding in the shadows of alleys are young men who just couldn’t hold it for a second longer, and ninjas.

-You know that paranoia you feel when you go to Buddy’s, that you are the only customer who doesn’t know the bartenders on a first-name basis, and everyone there knows one another?  Yeah, that’s about right.

-Dude, are you walking alone? Oh, you got separated from your friends and you’re trying to find them?  LOL, okay, sure, sure, we believe you.

-If you are being extremely drunk and obnoxious, one of the best places to go on Robinson Street is its farthest point south, in Byrd Park Lake.  There is a bar at the very bottom of that lake, near the middle.  Swim to it.

-The Commercial Taphouse is super cool but always filled with hippies talking about stuff only hippies talk about, like love lives, jobs, friends and movies or music.  Stupid hippies and their hippie conversations.

-If you get injured in your bar-going journeys, Retreat Hospital is located on Robinson but no one really knows what goes on inside that place.  Something about homeless people or something.

-Curbside got its name because, you know, it’s near a curb.

-When you see the sign, remember: It’s pronounced “HAL-see-uhn” and it means “calm and tranquil” or “that store for girls.” 

-Robinson Street got its name from Barry Peter Robinson III, a serial killer who murdered nearly 22 people and several kittens in the early 1950s.  And now you’re having fun on a street named after a maniac, you dick.

-Most bargoers along Robinson Street are under age 40, except for one.  He’s like 75 and dresses to the nines.

Richmond City Councilman Bruce W. Tyler told reporters this morning that he’s been digging the soft rock of the Bee Gees during the past few weeks, popping on the trio whenever in the car, at the office, or during the evening at his home in the West End.

The 56-year-old Tyler, who has served on city council since 2006, said he was a major fan of the Bee Gees during their height in the 1970s disco era, though he acknowledges having listened to group – marked by singer Barry Gibb’s falsetto voice – “only sporadically” during the past three decades. 

However, the councilman said he has filled his iPod with at least 40 Bee Gees songs in the past week alone, largely from the soundtrack for 1977′s Saturday Night Fever.

“I haven’t been dipping so much into the rarities or the so called B-sides as the stuff you’ve all probably heard, like ‘Stayin’ Alive’ or ‘More Than a Woman’ and definitely ‘If I Can’t Have You,’” the District 1 councilman,  a Richmond native and architect, said of the nine-time Grammy award winners.  “I don’t know what it is, nostalgia perhaps, but those Gibb brothers [that comprise the Bee Gees] have really got me feeling like I’m in my twenties again.”

Added Tyler: “I forgot how much these guys ruled.”

Tyler, a University of Richmond graduate, said he is no doubt a fan of current adult contemporary artists such as Rob Thomas, Jason Mraz, or U2, but noted that it “just feels good” to rock out to “Night Fever” when the mood strikes, such as right now.

The man-beast with bones made of the indestructible metal-alloy adamantium was likely passing through the Virginia capital on his way back to his home in British Colombia.  Last week, the superhero was involved in a heated and widely-publicized battle with arch-nemesis Sabretooth in southern Florida.

“It was the craziest thing, right?  I’m coming out of this store and who do we see but Wolverine eating with a few friends at [French restaurant] Can Can,” said 34-year-old Leanna Fitzpatrick, who noted that the mutant superhuman with keen animal senses had his claws retracted inside his hands.  “It would have been really cool to see him shoot those claws out, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards.”

“He was just enjoying a light lunch, so no real need for the claws I guess,” she added.

After leaving Can Can, others said, the man who has instant regenerative healing from most any flesh wound was seen browing through old Sonic Youth albums at the Plan 9 record store, then popped into a gift shop to pick up something for his kids.  Later in the evening, the mutant was seen attending a party on the Boulevard.

“We were hanging out on my porch on Saturday night, and then out of nowhere this dude dressed all in black walks up and was like, ‘Hey, you guys got a beer?’ and I’m like, ‘I mean, I guess, do I know you?’ and the guy’s like ‘What about now?’ and blasts these three silver claws through his knuckles,” said Rick Honsa, who lives in the 200 block of North Boulevard.  “I was like, ‘Holy shit, you’re Wolverine!’ and he’s all like, ‘Yeh.’”

According to the 21-year-old Honsa, the X-Men team leader consumed anywhere in the range of 48 to 90 Pabst Blue Ribbon beers “without so much as breaking a sweat.”

When reached by reporters by phone, Wolverine’s publicists had no comment.

“I know the boys have a soccer game in the morning, but after that, it’s kicking back with some ‘Back in the Saddle’ and ‘Same Old Song and Dance,’” said the 54-year-old host on the adult contemporary station, a self-described “lifelong” fan of the American hard rock band since its earliest days in the 1970s.  “Turn the volume up to 11, pop open a few Bud[weiser]s, and it’s gonna be a rockin’ couple days, let me tell you what.”

Added Bevins, standing up and emulating Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler’s iconic voice and trademark line: “Ya-ka-ka-ka-kow!”

Bevins, who has been on the air for more than 35 years in Richmond, said he first came into Aerosmith’s music during his days in high school, noting the band – nicknamed The Bad Boys from Boston – inspired his own career in the music business. 

“From the first time I heard those first few chords off [second album] Get Your Wings, I knew these guys were going to become a staple in my personal catalog of tune-age,” said Bevins, who followed the band around the southeastern U.S. in the early 1980s, and admits to still “getting goosebumps wicked bigtime” whenever he sees the video for “Amazing.”  “I’m going to relive it all this weekend man, may even pop in some ‘Jaded’ or that sappy song from Armageddon if the mood hits me right.”

Bevins noted that if time allows he may also whip out some classic Van Halen or a ballad or two by Whitesnake, but for the next couple days refuses to listen to anything by those Chicago pussies.