Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones this weekend confirmed his nearly yearlong obsession with pop star Lady Gaga, a revelation that many insiders believe casts doubt upon the city leader’s taste in music.

Allegations of Jones’ apparent Gaga infatuation first surfaced late last year after a City Hall staffer accidentally picked up the mayor’s iPod, thinking it was his own, then claimed to have found “between 15 and 20″ songs by the pop princess, known for such hits as “Paparazzi” and “Just Dance.” Sources said the mayor could have as many as 15 to 30 additional Gaga tracks stored on his iTunes.

“I am here today to tell citizens in this city that the rumors are true: I have been a devoted Lady Gaga follower now for nearly a year,” a visibly emotional Jones told reporters, admitting to his attendance at Lady Gaga’s Sept. 28 show at Richmond’s Landmark Theater and having been hooked ever since. “They were free tickets, so I figured I’d go just to see what the hubbub was about. But after hearing her belt out ‘Beautiful, Dirty, Rich’ I knew I would forever be a little monster.”

Gaga uses the term “little monsters” to describe her fanbase.

Jones, who characterizes his musical taste as “indie and alternative rock” and lists off artists such as The Postelles, Arcade Fire and Sufjan Stevens as favorites, said Gaga has become “a bit more than a guilty pleasure” since last year’s show, and he sometimes requests the pop star’s hits while traveling in his executive SUV. Staffers, who refused to be named, said that they too enjoy many of Lady Gaga’s hits, just not at the level of Jones.

“I think we listened to ‘Bad Romance’ at least nine times in a single day at the office last week,” said one staffer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “He hears it and starts throwing his hands up in the air, and then streams his fingers down his face and pretends to be in agony during the ‘I don’t wanna be friends’ part of the song. It’s totally weird.”

Staffers said the obsession is believed to have reached its peak on June 12, when the mayor attended his weekly cabinet meeting covered in pig’s blood with a set of antlers on his head.

Partners at Richmond-based law firm Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero told reporters today that the practice, while priding itself on service to clients, is even prouder of being able to list all 12 partners in the company’s name.

“With our team of well-educated, highly-trained attorneys, we do whatever it takes to achieve our clients goals and get them the justice they deserve,” said Roger M. Capel IV, a partner at the personal injury and medical malpractice group.  “And despite our huge name, we take satisfaction in fitting every single partner’s last name onto our signage, or a business card, or on letterhead, or on our building, or even on a golf shirt.”

“The gigantic, significant-looking name is really why we do what we do,” he added.

Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero has deep roots in the Richmond area, from its beginnings in 1940 when Alfred Dunnavant Leavingsworth VI established the law firm in the city’s east end. Originally specializing in automobile accidents, the addition of Edward William Hollingsworth Jr. in 1957, Nathaniel Charles Berkshire Altmeyer IV in 1982, and the merger of RansomNovielli & McRogers in 1996 expanded the practice into the areas of medical malpractice, spinal cord injuries and long, important-sounding names.

As more partners joined over the years, the firm’s strengths grew, but the capability to include everyone’s surnames onto signage and other crucial law firm things became a top concern, Capel said.

For instance, he notes, a standard 30-second TV commercial with actor Robert Vaughn must be expanded to two minutes for Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero in order to fit at least four mentions of the firm’s name, which takes approximately seven seconds to say. Cheap-looking highway billboards must be widened to 34 feet from the normal 22. And the sign on the top of the firm’s 12-story downtown building stretches across the top four stories, and can be read from 26 miles away on a clear day.

Future plans for Altmeyer Hollingsworth Capel McRogers Ransom Novielli Walters Janney Leavingsworth Clark Branch & Spero include elimination of spaces between names to create one single name, removal of the ampersand, and possibly flipping the name upside down so that it reads oɹǝds & ɥɔuɐɹq ʞɹɐ1ɔ ɥʇɹoʍsbuıʌɐǝ1 ʎǝuuɐظ sɹǝʇ1ɐʍ ı11ǝıʌou ɯosuɐɹ sɹǝboɹɔɯ 1ǝdɐɔ ɥʇɹoʍsbuı11oɥ ɹǝʎǝɯʇ1ɐ.

“I’m checking my notes and it’s the normal car wreck, a house fire, weather updates…just the same old, same old,” said WTVR-CBS6 anchor Angela Pellerano.  “Honestly, what we could really use on a slow news day such as today is a landmark shift in Virginia law, perhaps a topic that concerns consumers and/or the health of the general public.”

Added Pellerano: “Seriously though, why does the date ‘December 1′ ring such a bell?”

Print media officials similarly noted that they are going to be “hard pressed” to figure out a decent photograph to run on this, such a normal day for news coverage.

“It would be nice if something important were actually happening today, like a scenario in which we could take a picture of a small business owner who’s venture has been affected, for better or worse, by government action,” said Gerald Xavier, a city desk editor at the Richmond Times-Dispatch. “It’s too bad there’s nothing like that around today.”

WRVA-1140AM radio host Jimmy Barrett agreed.

“What I’d like to discuss is a statewide issue that has clear proponents and opponents, where we could interview lawmakers and ‘Average Joe’s’ alike,” said Barrett, a 9-year veteran at the station.  “I guess people have different opinions of the weather, so – barring no other major story that coincides and conflicts with more than 400 years of Virginia’s history – the weather it is.”

Xavier, at the Times-Dispatch, said that he planned an early afternoon meeting with staffers at a nearby pub, where they could sit down and discuss ideas for possible articles over a couple of beers and some cigarettes.

“Leave me behind, save yourself, you hear me? Get the hell out of here,” one source said, noting they’re coming for us all, and, additionally, requested that you tell Rebecca that he loves her. “You gotta run! Run as fast as you can!”

Added the source: “The chopper is waiting, hurry!”

Several sources with knowledge of the situation but who are not authorized to speak on the matter also confirmed that Mark died in the initial blast, but we can’t think about that right now because you gotta keep your head together and get  the hell out of here, no, no, no, we’re not going back, you have got to keep moving, goddammit John, listen to me, listen to me! LISTEN TO ME!  We’re not going to make it out of here alive if we don’t keep moving, you have to pull yourself together, Jesus Christ it’s on my leg, get it off, get it off!  Argh! They’re getting closer! The whole place is about to blow, dammit we’re not gotta make it to the helicopter!  They’re gonna leave us here! Run!

Capitol Square, the 4-acre home to Virginia’s most prominent government buildings and the historic State Capitol, is “technically a trapezoid,” a leading geometric expert said today.

“I mean I don’t want to split hairs here, but I’m surprised you guys never figured this out,” said Virginia Commonwealth University math professor Ian J. Haley, drawing a red line (pictured above) around the four streets that comprise what he calls the Capitol Trapezoid.  “That thing is clearly a four sided figure, but it only has one pair of parallel sides.”

“Unlike a square, which has two pairs of parallel sides,” Haley added.  “Duh.”

While the professor noted that the term “square” can also be defined as the center of town or a “plaza of sorts,” Haley dismissed such a notion as nonsense when referring to Capitol Square, established more than 200 years ago.

“The fact is, those responsible for upkeep of Capitol Square have been misrepresenting this venerable plot of land for decades,” Haley said.  “Tourists, including school kids, have been visiting this so-called ‘Square’ for as long as anyone can remember, only to realize now that there was never any symmetry to it all.”

The mathematical discovery sent shockwaves throughout the world of Virginia geometry, causing experts to re-measure several iconic city and state shapes that make coordinate-specific claims in their names.  Late yesterday, after mathematicians found that its ratio of circumference to diameter was indeed 3.14, or Pi, Monument Avenue’s Stuart Circle was confirmed as such.

Farther east, Haley called Virginia’s Historic Triangle – Yorktown, Jamestown and Williamsburg – a “complete farce of spacial-relativity proportions,” as it is not possible to drive, fly or even walk from one place to the other in a fully-straight line.

As of press time, Haley said experts had still not taken official measurements of the Pentagon.

“Thank you all for coming,” Jones said, approaching the podium with his black leather folio, a long, silver object later confirmed to be a 12-inch meatball sub sandwich, and an already-opened bag of Lay’s potato chips. “We’ve got a lot to discuss today, and my schedule is rather tight, so I hope you don’t mind if I eat during our meeting.”

After tucking a napkin into his collar, Jones unrolled the meatball sub from its heat-containing foil wrap, lifted the sandwich to his mouth with both hands, and took a hearty bite.

He then closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and relished in the moment for approximately seven seconds.

“First and foremost…[inaudible]…existing funds…[inaudible]…this initiative,” the mayor said, appearing to choke on a piece of sub before taking a second gaping bite of the sandwich, apparently unaware that he was dripping marinara sauce all over his notes. “It has become evident…[inaudible]…inability to, I mean…man, that’s a good meatball…inability to meet the demands of…whoops, excuse me, got a little sauce there.”

Added Jones, smacking his lips: “Have any of you ever been to Coppola’s Deli? Good stuff over there.”

After finishing his 4-minute address – along with a sandwich, a side of red potato salad, a pickle and half a bag of potato chips – Jones fielded questions while wiping crumbs and red sauce from the podium.

The mayor, who refused to answer questions regarding his enjoyment of the meatball sub, was asked for a response to recent accusations that the City Council was falling behind on a number of its year-end goals. Jones’ reply, however, was distorted from the rustling of the potato chip bag he had lifted to pour the remaining few crumbs into his gaping maw.

A good man through the ages who for several days has been trying to find the sun, Southside resident Stu Fogerty wondered today who, if anyone, would step up and stop the rain.

“And I wonder, still I wonder,” Fogerty asked, “who’ll stop the rain?”

Many local residents have gone as far as to travel down to portions of Virginia seeking shelter from the storm, only to end up caught in a fable, watching towers grow.  Others, concerned by the high levels of precipitation, have established five-year plans and new deals wrapped in golden chains.

Even still, most have been left wondering who – if anyone – will stop the rain.

In some parts of the state, residents claimed to have heard singers playing, and cheering for more.  One report out of Virginia Beach noted a crowd rushed together and tried to keep warm, but still the rain kept pouring.  “Falling on my ears,” noted John Clifford, a 52-year-old city resident.

He added that yesterday and days before the sun was cold and rain was hard, and he knew because it had been that way for all his time.

“I think the wrong person in this role could get going on a huge ego trip, but not me, actually I’m humbled to serve the city,” said the 42-year-old Nuckolls, tasked with encouraging citizens in the Northside to keep the neighborhood clean and pretty.   ”Like that Spider-man movie says: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’”

Added Nuckolls: “Please recycle.”

Richmond’s Clean City Commission, or CCC, was created by a city ordinance in 1993 to promote recycling and ensure ongoing beautification efforts in neighborhoods and on streets and public areas.  Nuckolls said that, though the duties can be “overwhelming” and at times cause “many a sleepless night,” it’s worth it for the respect the title brings – and even more important to keep his head in check.

“Honestly, I don’t get recognized as much as I thought I would, but it’s probably because people are intimidated – which is understandable,” Nuckolls said, who is pleased to offer tips on where to recycle old computers and electronics when asked.  “What I would like people to know is, if you see me out and about, come up and say hi.”

“We don’t bite,” he quickly added, though he noted he may get “a bit testy” should he spot a property owner in the 2nd Distrct with grass or vegetation higher than 12 inches.

Ward Hutchins, who lives down the street from Nuckolls, said he’s always sure to say hello whenever he sees his neighbor.

“Steve’s a great guy, I always see him outside cleaning out his gutters or removing signs or posters off of utility poles,” said the 39-year-old, hauling a broken Whirlpool dishwasher out to his curb.  “I think the city just picks this up on trash day, right? I wish I knew someone I could call and ask.”

“When I signed up for this gig a few years back, I thought it would be like in the movies, you know, being all, ‘POLICE, OPEN UP!’ then knocking down doors of murderers and [drug] dealers all day,” said Shorn, sipping on a lukewarm coffee and watching another rerun of Hogan’s Heroes on the Fourth Precinct’s break room TV.  “This is pretty much all I do though, just kind of sit around and wait for the door breach that will never happen.”

Adding to Shorn’s frustration is the fact that Richmond’s crime rate has dropped nearly 19 percent over last year, thus decreasing the need for door-breaking-downing.  It’s news the battering-ram operator calls “good, but frustrating as hell for a guy like me.”

Shorn’s wife, Lisa, said she hopes her husband’s job picks up soon, as he has taken to entering his own home by breaking down the family’s front door.