Richmond officials said today that the nearly yearlong process to of redistricting the city has begun, whatever the hell that means. Probably something political or having to do with schools, if local residents and leaders had to guess.

“As populations shift over time, it’s important to redraw district lines to ensure that everyone has, I don’t know, access to good schools? Live near people of a different race? No idea,” said First District City Councilman Bruce W. Tyler, noting that he hoped redistricting means he’ll live closer to a Five Guys hamburger restaurant. “I hope I get to switch from the first to the eighth district, as eight is my lucky number.”

“High school and college lacrosse number,” he added.

Every 10 years, the nation undergoes a Census to gather statistical information about neighborhoods and population and, like, how many black people and Hispanics there are, and then the city uses that information to redistrict the lines on something. Counties or city lines, maybe? Will the Fan still be the Fan? Hey, does this mean we’re all going have to move? Like if you live in the second district and it’s changed to the third, do you have to move to the new second?

“So do I need to do anything, or is this one of those things that other people will take care of for me?” said Fan Resident Lauren Brown. “As long as redistricting has nothing to do with how my taxes are invested, where I vote, or what types of city services I have access to, then I don’t really care.”



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