February 16, 2010
Researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University today released a 1,500-page study that offers new insight into the widely-held theory that, if it were possible, a full-scale dinosaur attack on the state capital would be wicked awesome.
The study, to be published next month in Proceedings of the National Academy of Archeology, interviewed 1,394 residents in the metro Richmond area, all of whom echoed that they would be “shocked but nonetheless fascinated” if dinosaurs somehow came back to life, became enraged, and tore a swath of destruction throughout Central Virginia.
Of those interviewed, 39 percent described the scenario of a pack of velociraptors storming an office building as “totally frigging sweet,” while nearly 17 percent of respondents noted that the sight of a coordinated pterodactyl assault on a high-rise – the winged reptiles of course using their beaks and claws to pull unsuspecting people from their offices and throw them to the ground, but not before tossing them around in mid-air between one another – would be “breathtaking.”
The remainder of those polled, roughly 54 percent of Richmonders, said that even witnessing a herbivorous and non-dangerous brontosaurus crush vehicles with its feet and damage buildings with its huge-ass tail would be “spectacular.”
The study’s margin of error was plus or minus zero.
“Just think about it: Say 
you’re downtown at lunchtime, then all the sudden people’s drinks start shaking and the ground begins thumping like that scene when they’re in the SUVs in Jurassic Park, and out of nowhere a giant T-Rex comes around the corner and maybe flips some cars over or something, and starts roaring and going completely apeshit and eating everyone in sight,” said Henry M. Saville, a VCU archeology professor who has been studying the epic dopeness of dinosaur attacks on metropolitan areas for nearly three decades. “Sure, people would die, but think of how worth it a few deaths would be if we could see the Marines and Air Force come in and take the dinosaurs down with rockets and grenades and jet missiles and stuff.”
“And of course there would be tons of fire coming from those .50-caliber guns you see mounted on the top of Hummers,” he added, mimicing the shooting action with his arms.
Despite the high demand for a dinosaur attack in the middle of the crowded city, some area residents – apparently unaware that dinosaurs have natural body armor and horns and run wicked fast and are super smart, like even smarter than dolphins - aren’t so sure about how holy crapping sweet an attack by the long-extinct animals would be.
“It might be neat to see dinosaurs alive, but having them actually attack us would be horrifying,” said Teresa Martin, who seems like a total wuss and who would obviously be killed or eaten because she doesn’t have a plan in place for surviving a dinosaur invasion.
However, when told she may be able to operate a flamethrower in order to fend off onrushing raptors, the 38-year-old said, “I’m in.”
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Energy Company Releases Innovative New ‘iElectricity’
Confirming months of speculation by Wall Street analysts, Dominion Resources Inc. today launched an updated version of its most popular product, called iElectricity.
The new product - which the company claims has applications by the consumer, business and government sectors - features an upgraded wattage, additional current, all wrapped in a thinner, aluminum-backed ...
Here’s my thinking: If such an attack occurred, you can be pretty certain that most of the damage would be done to the west of I-95. East of I-95 would get very little damage or destruction. I hate to break that to the rest of you who live east of I-95, but that’s just the way things happen in Richmond.
When it comes to snowstorms, I often wonder what would the storms have done if I-95 had never been built.
they walk amongst us still
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