February 04, 2010
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – The four-person NBC12 Weather Team blasted off on the military space shuttles Freedom and Independence early this morning, bound for a storm the size of Texas that threatens to bring anywhere from four to 10 inches of snow to the Richmond area this weekend.
The meteorologists’ mission: Plant a nuclear warhead 800 feet below the surface of the snowstorm and split it in two, sending one half out into the Atlantic Ocean, and the other half to crappy West Virginia.
“The Bible calls this day ‘Snowmageddon’ – the end of all things,” said NBC12 chief meteorologist Jim Duncan, a 30-year weather news veteran and team captain, who, with his crew of roughneck weathermen and one weatherwoman, hope t
o obliterate the storm before it reaches Virginia. “Actually, I shouldn’t say that. It’s a little extreme. This is more along the lines of a storm that would make it hard to drive or get the kids to school or go to work.”
“Still,” Duncan said, “we’re gonna blast that son of a bitch back to the Mesozoic Era.”
The NBC12 crew of four launched this morning in the bitter cold of eastern Florida, shrieking toward the sky at nearly 22,700 miles per hour. The spacecrafts created two streaks of light that emblazoned the dusk sky, creating a breathtaking spectacle for viewers from hundreds of miles around as the ships roared into the upper stratosphere. The shuttles then performed dual high-G slingshot maneuvers around the dark side of the moon, then raced back to Earth at nearly four times the speed of sound to intercept the snowstorm.
It remains unclear as to why the shuttles had to venture into space or even use a space shuttle, much less two, as the storm is currently hovering a few thousand feet above the Midwest.
NBC12 meteorologist Sagay Galindo said she was honored to be chosen as one of four people in the world to save city residents from long lines at area grocery stores and further school cancellations, but remained confused as to why a weatherperson was picked to handle and detonate a 2-ton nuclear warhead.
“But I will do it, because I don’t want my team to go without me,” she said. “And I don’t wanna miss a thing.”
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Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
Loved the reference to dual high-G slingshot maneuvers, since I’m not quite sure whether they really exist. Clearly they should. But liked the reference to “don’t wanna miss a thing” even more. Keep up the good work and the semi-obscure cultural references.
That. Was. AWESOME!
Please tell me you’ll be retailing the patch!!!
Should have mentioned the loose cannon of the team, Andrew Freiden. With his all-or-nothing, go-for-broke gambles, he’ll either save the team and reap the adulation of an adoring central VA or doom himself and the rest of the team to an icy space grave!
That was wonderfully twisted! Someone who is good with photo shop needs to make a team pic of the crew in thier flightsuits………heh heh heh
I agree with Matt! You’ve gotta sell this patch for your fans!
If someone can actually make the patch, I’ll provide the artwork. As for the “team pic” mentioned by Lissa, if anyone makes it (merging an Armageddon shot with the faces of the NBC12 crew), I will gladly post it on here.
I’m filing this reply from my laptop at the top of the troposphere as we prepare for re-entry into the atmosphere. I’m sad to report our mission failed. Storm appears to be continuing as scheduled. Thanks for the coverage of our important mission! By the way, it’s getting hot up here. Can’t wait to get back to the studio!
[...] S-A-T-I-R-E NBC12 Weather Team To Destroy Incoming Snowstorm (Tobacco Avenue) “The Bible calls this day ‘Snowmageddon’ – the end of all things,” said NBC12 chief meteorologist Jim Duncan, a 30-year weather news veteran and team captain, who, with his crew of roughneck weathermen and one weatherwoman, hope tpatch1o obliterate the storm before it reaches Virginia. [...]
Slingshot maneuvers around planets/moons actually exist. They are mostly done with space probes to conserve fuel.