October 07, 2009
Less than two weeks after a Class AA baseball team said it would move to Richmond, the general manager said the organization is backing out of the deal effective immediately after a list surfaced of possible, but ultimately horrible, team names.
The Connecticut Defenders reneged their 2-year, $10 million contract with the city and have already scheduled transportation back to their home state with no plans to ever return, citing “a lack of creativity and reason” by those who came up with the “lame, moronic team names.”
Among the choices, which were to have been voted on by Richmonders in an online poll: the Rhinos, the Flatheads, the Rock Hoppers, the Hambones and the Flying Squirrels, a name General Manager Mitch Conrad described as “utterly insane.”
According to poll results thus far, the Richmond Rock Hoppers remain in the lead with negative-430 votes, followed by the Flatheads (-321), Rhinos (-93) and the Hambones (-12).
Results are unable to be posted for the Flying Squirrels, which have a score so low that it cannot be calculated by modern mathematics.
“This is a joke, right? You all are joking. This has to be a joke. This must be a joke. This is a joke, right? Has to be. Gotta be. Okay seriously, where’s Ashton Kutcher?” Conrad said, referencing the hidden camera practical-joke show Punk’d, as he fully believed he was on the MTV program, which unfortunately for him ended two y
ears ago.
The 52-year-old was then told by reporters that this was no joke.
“So if that’s the case, where the hell am I supposed to find a rhinoceros in Richmond? Oh wait, let me guess, you picked ‘Rhinos’ simply because it starts with an ‘R’ and is therefore is an alliteration when paired with ‘Richmond’?” Conrad said. “These names sound as though they were created by a group of retarded monkeys.”
Added Conrad: “Actually, the Richmond Retarded Monkeys is the best name I’ve heard so far.”
For nearly 10 years, Conrad managed the team when it was known as the Defenders, “a much, much cooler name that actually sounds intimidating as a sports team, unlike the Rock Hoppers, which is an activity children do at a park with their mommies and daddies.”
He also listed off his numerous other grievances with other finalists, for example: the Flatheads, “which sounds like a type of snake but is actually a fish in the James River that nobody has ever heard of”; the Hambones, “which is a stupid-ass Virginia ham reference”; and the Flying Squirrels, “which is imbecile.”
Added Conrad: “WTF?”
Many Richmonders said yesterday that they were disappointed in the possible team name choices.
“Not of these names are really Richmondy, you know? I get that flying squirrels are native to Virginia, but who knew that? And the ham thing, whatever…it’s just kind of sad,” said Ali Dawson, noting she liked the Richmond Braves because the name had ties to the region. “Still, awesome or lame name, it’s just a name. Not like it’ll make me go back to the Diamond to watch baseball or anything.”
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I’d buy a Flying Squirrels jersey
Great work.
But I really hope the front office is paying attention to the collective sigh of disappointment and head shakes coming from all of the baseball fans that are willing to support the team.
Pure Genius! to come up with names completely ridiculous to get everyone to talk about it and then submit the names they really want. Enough about baseball, now about that hockey team…
Jeff, when they legalize same sex marriage in Virginia (2047) and we both convert to Mormonism (?), will you marry me?
Can you get a Bullwinkle hat to go with the Flying Squirrels jersey? Actually, the squirrel thing has great marketing possibilities, promotions like “you will go nuts over the Flying Squirrels…” Well, maybe not… but can’t be any worse than being as horny as a Rhino…. I can hear it now, The Flatheads are playing like a fish out of water tonight folks…
Could have a kosher night for the Hambones… Yeah, your right, they were all lame…
Almost forgot the Rock Hoppers… Penguin anyone?
I’ll consider it, just need to run a few [major] things by the ladyfriend. Thanks for the post!
Hushpuppies? Wow I’m glad they pulled that out of their (/*\). That is much better than the Flatheads.
Yes, we could have been saddled with some truly sucky names like the Dust Bunnies or the Jack-a-Lopes…
Or they could have been named the Octopus.. I can just see the contractions for that one…
Ouch.
Why not just take out an ad in the T-D (online, so at least someone will see it) that says:
“We suck. Go somewhere else.”
Richmond Retarded Monkeys!!!!