July 20, 2009
Finally confirming a decades-long rumor that it is way totally gay, the Matthew Fontaine Maury statue said today that it is, and has forever been, a homosexual monument.
“This is something that I no longer want to hide, which is why today I am coming out and telling you all that I am proud to be a gay American effigy,” the 80-year-old said from his chair at the corner of Monument and Belmont avenues, where he enjoys reading his book, sitting, and being gay.
Nicknamed “The Pathfinder of the Seas” – which he notes “doesn’t sound like a gay name, but is” – Maury said he has long been concerned about coming out, considering the presence he shares on Monument Avenue with such manly figures as Confederate generals Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee, and tennis player Arthur Ashe Jr.
Despite the revelation by the oceanographer, area historian Morrison Gates said he had been expecting the outing by the statue for quite some time.
“When you look at the other monuments along the avenue atop horses, holding swords or doing generally dudeish stuff and then you see Maury just sitting there, a book in his hand, perhaps contemplating the merits of the Cher catalog, then yes, this is something that we have been expecting for years,” the historian said. “If you look around the statue you will also see etchings of dolphins and fish and even a mermaid thing, which, is obviously gay.”
Maury said that while he enjoys horses, sitting atop one on a statue “is SO last century.”
Nearby statue Stonewall Jackson – arguably one of the most manly Civil War figures with a majorly hetero name – said he was a bit shocked to hear news of his neighbor monument’s sexual orientation.
“I’m cool with it, but to be honest it does feel a little weird since [Maury] does sit there and stare in my direction all the time,” said Jackson, who died at Chancellorsville in 1863 and has his very masculine likeness just two blocks from Maury. ”Thankfully I know he’s not going to touch me, because, you know, statues can’t move.”
Maury said his non-homo partners on Monument Avenue shouldn’t be worried, and should continue to treat him as simply ”one of the guys.”
“It’s no cause for concern, honey, because gay ain’t contagious,” Maury said. “Plus, I do all the things straight guys like to do, like drink and chill, but I just know my Broadway musicals a bit more. Plus, closets are for clothes.”
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Nice…
Sitting atop one on a statue “is SO last century.” Did gays even use “so” back then?
Funny.
Thing is, Maury has the only three women on Monument Ave. in that tumult surrounding the globe, and one of them, who is dragging herself out of the surf and gazing eastward, is a real hottie.
Well, there is “MIss Confederacy” atop the Davis column, but, she’s more a metaphorical figure than a real woman.
Quit ogling Maury’s globe chics Harry
Re: what the Stonewall Jackson monument said about “thankfully he’s not going to touch me….”. Hetero statues have a very obnoxious habit of overestimating their own attractiveness. Besides, the Jackson monument might want to examine his own orientation, after all, his name is…….Stonewall. And let’s not overlook J.E.B. Stuart. Doesn’t he look like someone with a feather in his cap, a cape on his back, waving his hand, saying “let’s disco!”