June 18, 2009
It gets hot in Virginia’s capital. We all know that. With temperatures and energy costs both expected to reach record highs this summer, here are a few tips for staying cool on the cheap:
The human body’s nominal internal temperature is a balmy 98.6 degrees. Remove the crotch and seat from your pants to prevent any heat buildup.
Air conditioning technology took a huge leap forward after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, when a fan was rigged to blow ice-chilled air over his deathbed to keep him comfortable 
during his final hours. Try assassinating someone and see what kind of neat ideas his or her loved ones come up with.
To shield yourself from the heat, wear lots of heavy black clothing.
Not only does an in-ground pool offer respite from the heat whenever you want it, it also sends the message to your neighbors with above-ground pools that you are, in fact, better than them.
Keep your meth lab well-ventilated, as those Bunsen burners tend to put out a lot of heat.
You know that one homeless guy with the beard who always wears that same blue hoodie whenever you see him, even if it’s, like, 100 degrees outside? Ask him how he does it.
I don’t care what you do. Just don’t touch the goddamn thermostat.
Alcohol will dehydrate you, but on the flip side, it makes life way more interesting, so drink a lot of it.
Put a short stack of pancakes on your head and douse your body in maple syrup. It won’t make you cooler, but it’ll be really, really funny looking.
Remember to run a Coke outside every half hour or so to your six-month-old son, who you left in the car so you could catch a matinee without having to deal with his fidgeting and screaming the whole time.
If you live in the Fan, have yourself a chuckle, because, you know, fans keep things cool, and it’s a homonym.
You think this is bad? I just got back from fucking Iraq, pal. It’s hot enough there to vaporize your piss before it hits the ground, pussy.
Become acquainted with a couple locked in a loveless marriage and cool yourself in the frigid, acrimonious air wafting about them wherever they go.
Why don’t you start by taking off that blouse, honey?
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Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
