April 02, 2009

Overtanned, Coughing, Wrinkled Woman To Open Package Of Virginia Slims

Her skin bronzed by summers spent on the Virginia Beach boardwalk and face wrinkled from both old age and cigarette usage, Richmond woman Kirby Danforth announced, amid phlegm-heavy coughing, her intent to open and begin another package of Virginia Slims.

“A-hack, a-hack, a-hack,” the 63-year-old said, finagling with the plastic wrapper on a box of the long, narrow cigarettes.  “Get off of there, damned plastic junk.”

Virginia Slims, a niche cigarette brand manufactured by Philip Morris, have since 1969 been the smoke of choice for Danforth, who typically goes through a carton every four to five days.   Besides each day of the week, the retired bank teller said she smokes ”Slims” during all holidays, NASCAR events, before and after her Wednesday Jazzercize class, and during her afternoon viewings of Dr. Phil and The Bold and the Beautiful.

Also, when driving her Buick LeSabre, when feeding her four cats, when making egg salad sandwiches, and when watching the Pick-3, Pick-4, Pick-5 and MegaMillions Virginia Lottery drawings.

In her trademark raspy, mucous-laden voice, Danforth said she has never attempted to quit smoking nor switch to an ultra-light variety of Virginia Slims, and would prefer the cigarette had no filter at all.  She was, however, quick to note that she had to leave to pick up her grandson, and therefore needed to make a green Jell-O mold with fruit chunks in it, then topped with Cool Whip.

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Comments

2 Comments so far

  1. sadler on April 2, 2009 2:53 pm

    I really like her musty smelling shag carpet.

  2. Joss on April 2, 2009 3:55 pm

    If she’s like me then she prefers to smoke with the car’s window rolled up (until it’s time to flick the butt out onto the street).

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