March 18, 2009
Well-known Richmond news anchor Gene Cox announced his intent during the regular 11 p.m. broadcast yesterday to undergo the highly-controversial Wolverine-reassignment surgery, which will transform the newsman into a mutant with bones of metal, 13-inch retractable claws and superhuman strength.
Th
e grueling 47-hour procedure will fuse the NBC12 anchor’s skeleton of normal bone to an indestructible metal known as adamantium, doctors at VCU Medical Center said.
“The surgery is extremely risky, there’s no question,” said Charles T. Wright, the surgeon who will transform the 64-year-old’s body into one with animal-like upgrades. “But this is something Mr. Cox has been saving up for, and for quite some time, so we are proceeding with his Wolverineification, albeit very carefully.”
Cox, co-anchor of NBC12 News First at 4, NBC12 News at 6 and NBC12 News at 11, held back tears during the late-night broadcast yesterday as he told viewers of a lifelong feeling “deep within my soul that kept telling me that I was somebody else:” a man capable of incredible fighting abilities with a quick-healing factor, and additionally, extended canine teeth and some sweet-ass looking claws that can cut through anything – except Captain America’s shield, which is even stronger than Wolverine’s talons.
“I have felt for years that I am something more than just a news anchor, and now is the time to take that step to become the mutant I have always been in my mind,” Cox said, obviously fearful of the pain he will endure whenever the three adamantium-covered dense bone claws pierce through the flesh of his hands.
“Will it hurt? ” he added. “Every time.”
Cox said if the surgery proves successful – there is a 70 percent mortality rate in such procedures - he hopes to soon add the ability to shoot webs from his wrists and, despite it sounding lame, get a pair of gills so that he can live and fight crime underwater.
CORRECTION: We have (no joke) received an email from Gene Cox regarding this story. The anchor reports that while the article’s content is “substantially correct,” he is 68, not 64. Tobacco Avenue regrets the error, and we wish Mr. Cox well in his surgery. -Randolph J. Strummer Jr., Editor and Publisher.
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"I was ...
Holy. Shit. I just threw up the last four days of food this was so funny.
that was hilarious. i love that he had no complaints about the article except to say that he is older than you made him out to be…i think if i were him i would’ve just begun pretending i was 64 from her on out.
[...] Gene as Wolverine. [...]
How much does this surgery cost?
helo
Mr Cox
can u make me like him
weapon X