Subconsciously hoping for some form of outlandish, tragic violence or a high-profile death, local resident Tom Spencer Jr. was disappointed to learn this morning that an NBC12 Breaking News Alert was only used for a minor traffic accident on Interstate 95.

“It’s not like I was really hoping to see a bunch of destruction or some loss of a famous person in a plane crash, it’s just that the whole ‘Breaking News’ graphic does make you wonder if something truly horrible has happened,” said Spencer, reassuring reporters that he is not sick and twisted, but was just caught off guard by anchor Ashley Swann’s serious news voice. “I guess this just means I’ll have to take the Downtown Expressway instead of 95, but I gotta say, I was really captivated for a second by the thought of being informed of the biggest news story thus far in 2009.”

Spencer then left for work, where he crashed into a jet fuel pipeline that runs through downtown Richmond, thus becoming the biggest news story so far in 2009.

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Local Girlfriend Cuts Boyfriend-Interest Rate To All-Time Low
Fan District resident and girlfriend Audrey Rankin said yesterday that she has dropped her boyfriend-interest rate by nearly 74 points in a move that is expected to help stimulate her partner's investment into their two-year relationship. The couple, according to Rankin, has been on the decline for the past six months amid boyfriend Andrew Adams' ...

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