December 17, 2008
The Only Month Named After A
Drum Line Command
March 1: The VCU Medical Center announces opening dates for its $192 million critical-care hospital. In anticipation, area woman Rachel Westaway becomes less attentive when driving, starts playing with loaded handguns, and begins resting the radio on the side of her bathtub, all in hopes of spending a few nights at the hospital’s new state-of-the-art Level I trauma center.
March 3: A deer is spotted running through the Fan District. Bystanders said the white tail escaped “in the nick of time” from popular Carytown restaurant Can Can, just minutes before he was to be pan roasted
and topped with various spices and sauces.
March 4: City Council admits that the addition of a 30-foot tall Krispy Kreme “Hot Doughnuts Now” neon sign on the roof of City Hall was a waste of taxpayer money, and a rather poor attempt at increasing attendance at their bi-monthly meetings.
March 5: In a journalistic feat considered both extraordinary and inexplicable, Style Weekly publishes an 89-page cover story that runs 15 pages longer than the newspaper itself. While the alternative weekly had previously come close to doing so, the article represented the first time Style has managed to run a cover story for the entire length of the paper and, impossibly, several pages more.
March 6: NBC12 producers give evening anchor Gene Cox the “Cue Cards And Whiskey Don’t Mix” spiel again.
March 8: Thought his urinary bladder was nearly overflowing, local man Lovell Sledd announces that he plans to hold it rather than face the awkwardness of the bathroom attendant at Blackfinn.
March 10: Philip Morris’ new “Make You Cool” campaign launches, telling consumers what the company calls “The Truthier Truth”: cigarettes – if used properly – can turn normal, everyday people into awesome, everyday people.
March 10: CarMax Inc. is awarded the Better Business Bureau’s International Torch Award for Marketplace Excellence, though the Goochland County-based used car retailer only accepts the honor after a thorough 125-point inspection of the bronzed trophy.
March 11:North Side resident and elderly woman Erma Butler says she is unsure why the “Leave It to Joel Bieber” television show was back on the air after nearly 50 years since its final episode, and expresses confusion as to why the program lasts only 30 seconds and talks about personal injury law.
March 16: In the wake of a deadly crane accident in New York city, construction crews around Richmond say they are taking extra precautions to make sure that no Manhattan cranes collapse here.
March 17: Local boy Keith Tweedy turns 11, and is given yet another pair of britches from his grandfather, who implores the young man to keep them pulled up above the buttocks.
March 18: Critics assail Richmond’s new “Downtown Plan” of the future for not having the necessary infrastructure in place for flying cars.
March 19: Tolls on the Downtown Expressway and Powhite Parkway jump by 20 cents, an additional fee that will help defray the growing cost of the booth workers’ demand for daily Starbucks.
March 20: Richmond officials launch a full-scale investigation into whether as many as 300 employees have taken advantage of city-issued free-hug cards, used whenever a necessary embrace is needed. Though city code allows public workers one free hug per week, Mayor L. Douglas Wilder said many employees were using up to three hugs a day for simple cheer-ups, jobs well-done, to feel special, in expressing sympathy, or, in some cases, showing happiness and joy.
March 24: Local man Scott Parker expresses shock and anger after finding out the hard way that the sporting goods-store’s Web site was not simply Dicks.com.
March 25: Domino’s introduces the Chanello’s Style Pizza. Toppings include softening, overly ripened vegetables, past-expiration dated cheeses and meats with questionable animals of origin – all of which, when combined together on pizza dough, still somehow manage to taste absolutely delicious.
March 25:After public buses are re-routed off of Broad Street, the Library of Virginia is removed from the annual ranking of the nation’s most lavish bus stops by City Transport Magazine.
Comments
Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
