December 05, 2008
WEB SITE WILL ‘CEASE TO BE,’ MUCH LIKE THE PUBLISHER
A day shy of Tobacco Avenue’s one-year anniversary, Editor and Publisher Randolph J. Strummer Jr. was killed in a fiery plane crash off the coast of Utah.
He is now dead.
The death of Strummer, 57 – though he may actually be 56, as he was born in 1951, and I don’t know his exact birthday and the calculator is just out of reach on my desk – presents a devastating blow for the future of Tobacco Avenue, as the site’s founder said in his will and testament that all publishing will halt upon his killing-off. The site would have turned one year old tomorrow.
But, as we said earlier, he’s dead now, so, you know how it goes.
Eyewitness accounts from several blind bystanders said the plane nose-dived tail-first into the Rocky Mountains, a crash that could be heard from up to 200 miles away, even by deaf people who have no concept of distance.
Police said 90 people were killed, along with 17 others. We understand that the previous sentence may have flown over some reader’s heads.
“At this time, we are still trying to determine the exact cause of this crash,” said Donna Reichle, spokeswoman for the Federal Aviary Administration. Unfortunately, she noted, she is only able to speak about bird habitats and winged creatures, and not actual human aviation or airplanes, but it was our fault for callin
g the wrong organization – albeit one with a similar name – for comment regarding this story.
Regardless of the group’s narrow knowledge of only winged animals, FAA officials are questioning whether the four-seater Cessna Citation 500 was able to carry 90 people plus 17 others, though investigators believe the accident was due to the fact that the plane was missing its left wing at the time of takeoff.
You may also have noticed that the headlines of this article were written in all capital letters, just to express the enormity of this situation.
Again, one of the people on board the plane we’re talking about was Strummer, who is now dead, and who is totally not alive anymore, and, as such, has expired.
Forever.
Colleagues said the now-deceased 56-or-57-year-old was known for dedicating roughly five minutes of each day to publishing the nation’s only leading fictional news Web site located within the 42nd largest media market in the U.S., if you don’t count Cleveland.
Witnesses said they saw the airplane turning hard at a downward pitch of nearly 14.3 degrees, banking right at 38.24 degrees, leveling off at 134.92849 degrees minus Pi divided by the circumference of a rhinoceros bladder, then flip around and fly backwards for a while. The plane then slammed into the side of…no wait, it smashed into…or maybe blasted into the side of the mountain.
Whichever descriptions sounds coolest.
The wreckage of the tiny plane was being hiked to by several members of an emergency response team, or, wait, are we writing this sentence grammatically correct? Is the wreckage site “being hiked to” or are rescuers “hiking to” the scene? Either way, point is, lots of trained folks are en route to the crash site, blah, blah, blah, no sense in doing so though, because as we said, Strummer has perished, kicked the bucket, finished, is deader than hell.
In the totally gone Strummer’s shocking last will and testament – the latter of which was new, not old – the publisher requested that, upon his death, Tobacco Avenue “cease to be,” much like how he has perished, and, accordingly, is no longer breathing anymore, and will never again for all eternity, on and on, until we meet again.
Infinity. Boundless.
Among the publisher’s requests:
-Tobacco Avenue, found at TARichmond.com, is to be “completely removed” from the Internet within one week of Strummer’s death. In addition to removal from the Internet, the site will also be taken off the World Wide Web.
-No more articles are to be published, ever. ”Ever,” the will adds.
-All reporters are to be fired, both from their jobs, and in a kiln.
“When I go, the site goes,” Strummer’s will and new testament reads. “I’ve gone out on top, and I ask the same for my site.”
He encouraged readers of the Web site that has become known as “TA” to take several moments to copy and paste their favorite stories as keepsakes, since none will be available ever again come midnight on Dec. 12, at which point the site will turn back into a pumpkin.
In the will’s closing, Strummer ends with two of his favorite quotes: “Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry.”
Secondly, he says from the grave, “The-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the That’s All, Folks!”
Comments
7 Comments so far
Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
So does this mean we have to go to inrich.com…..I mean, TimesDispatch.com for news?
This isn’t just some pretext for not posting through the holidays is it?…like to “writer’s strike” some time back.
I will assume so and bid you a happy holiday season rather than mourn your passing. Enjoy!
Good eye, Fiona!
One never knows! TA could be crafting some treat for us fans. Guess we will just have to stay tuned…
Is it April 1st already?
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please don’t pull the plug…
So…… who really is Eric Cartman’s real dad?