November 19, 2008
Officials at Richmond International Airport said October was not only one of its busiest months on record, but that they saw more “brainless, obnoxious passengers who think they own the place” than ever before.
“October was a historic month for us, both in terms of fully-packed flights and in our loss of what little faith we had left in the Amer
ican traveler,” said RIC spokesman Troy Bell. ”It was great to do so much business with our nine airlines, but I mean, Jesus Christ.”
Of the 430,000 October passengers, Bell said, roughly 42 percent were “ignorant twits” who felt the need to complain about the quality of the free headphones, 22 percent demanded upgrades to first-class seating after their flights were delayed, 10 percent remained on their cell phones at the ticket counter, and a similar amount “had the gall” to question why they had to take off their shoes before walking through metal detectors.
Less than 2 percent of RIC’s travelers were considered respectable, decent human beings with basic knowledge of how airport processes work, he said, sighing.
Though ridership has been declining in the past several months as a response to a softening economy and higher ticket prices, Bell said the airport has seen a 6-month spike in passenger bitching, angry hand signals, and audible moaning. To please those travelers, he said the airport will offer free airfare to anywhere in the continental United States, though RIC isn’t mentioning that the planes are not equipped with seat belts, emergency life jackets, or landing gear.
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