October 22, 2008
Paul Goldman dropped out of the Richmond mayoral race yesterday and backed his opponent, a shocking announcement that came nearly three hours before he strapped a rocket onto his body, said his goodbyes, and began the 17 light-year journey back to his home planet of Goldtron.
“Citizens of Richmond, I can no longer campaign for mayor of this city knowing that my governance abilities are needed in my homeland,” said Goldman, a former senior adviser to Mayor L. Douglas Wilder known for his one-liners, quirky demeanor and for being a daredevil adventurer from another planet. “I have truly enjoyed my time here, but I must move on.”
Added Goldman: “Klaatu barada nikto hanakanaat.”
Before his takeoff and breathtaking ascent skyward at nearly 1,400 miles per hour, Goldman, dressed in a red-and-black jumpsuit, gave his endorsement to mayoral candidate Dwight C. Jones in a 15-minute press conference. Goldman – who led the charge to revert Richmond charter back to an elected-mayor form of government – said that Goldtron was similarly in need of a leader to help establish a Quandu (Goldtroni for “city”) charter that would allow for the election of a Yrhmung (or “mayor”).
“Don’t be sad, ladies and gentleman, there are many great things waiting for me back on Goldtron, which being a plasma-based planet full of poisonous gasses, is incapable of supporting human life,” the 62-year-old told a small assembled crowd of citizens and media, before flipping a trigger that began his launch. “It’s also nearly 100 trillion miles away, so speak up now if you want to vote for the only ca
ndidate who has the experience needed to create a world-class educational system for our children.”
“Anyone? You over there? No? No? Okay,” he said.
With a loud, thunderous clap, Goldman slowly rose from the launchpad, continuing to explain that he was the only one of the five candidates with a “proven record” who could give Richmond the fundamental change it so desperately needs, and began to quickly gain altitude and velocity. At nearly 7,000 feet, Goldman’s ascent began to deviate from its straight trajectory, gently curving, and several loud sonic booms were heard as he approached nearly three times the speed of sound.
Then, he was gone.
However, Goldman has promised that, should Goldtron ever, say, explode into trillions of pieces as the result of a thermonuclear chain reaction deep within the planet’s unstable Goldtronite core, he would be sure to put his only son, Gol-El, on a ship bound for Earth to save humanity.
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"I was ...
I’ll miss his attention whoring most. And the way
he always referred to himself in the third person.
Perfect!