Tossing a pinch of salt over his shoulder and stuffing a four-leaf clover into his pocket, Henrico County resident and lifelong Washington Redskins fan Paul Garofalo said today that he will take “every step humanly possible” to ensure his beloved football team has another win on Sunday.

The 3-1 Redskins will go for their fourth straight victory this weekend as they face NFC East rival the Philadelphia Eagles.  Led by three-year quarterback Jason Campbell, the Redskins offense has averaged 386.3 total yards this season without a single turnover, a move Garofalo credits to the good fortune of him carrying around the long end of a dried turkey breastbone, on which he wished last week that the team would go to the Super Bowl and win by 87 points.

“This is our year, boys,” the 27-year-old told reporters, heating a lucky horseshoe over a flame before hammering it onto the bottom of his sole.  “I’m doing whatever it takes.”

However, he noted, defensive end Jason Taylor is not expected to play this weekend because of a leg injury, which is an issue Garofalo blames himself for. 

“That one is all my fault,” he said, noting he should have been carrying around more than the seven rabbit feet he currently keeps in his jeans.  He then walked under a ladder, looked directly into a broken mirror, and attached one end of a pair of jumper cables onto his Honda Accord’s battery, and the other directly onto his abdomen.

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Energy Company Releases Innovative New ‘iElectricity’
Confirming months of speculation by Wall Street analysts, Dominion Resources Inc. today launched an updated version of its most popular product, called iElectricity. The new product - which the company claims has applications by the consumer, business and government sectors - features an upgraded wattage, additional current, all wrapped in a thinner, aluminum-backed ...

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