September 19, 2008
Yes, yes, yes-yes yes, the downtown can eventually be an extraordinary place.
Yes, yes, yes-yes-yes I do so agree with all of you, we’ve got to clean up the scum who walk the streets and rid the political riff-raff out of office. No, no, no-no, no, I concur, right right, yes I know, we do need more
green spaces and parking spaces and office spaces and urban living spaces and make better use of our waterways and sidewalks, and add more shopping and restaurants and promote things like community service and education.
How delightful.
But I, Stewart Gilligan Griffin, have the best recommendation of all for the future of this worthy metropolite! It’s the one thing that will make our town a better place to live, work and play with blocks! Want to hear it? Do ya? You wanna? You wanna hear what I’m gonna say? Do ya? Ya ready?
OK, here it is: Why don’t you all just die! Yes you heard me, you wretched fools! I will end you all! You will bow to me!
Whoa, whoa Stewie. Calm it down. The natives and ingrates might suspect something.
Look, look, I shouldn’t come off that way. That’s, uh, that was, uh, a bit too forward of me. I do so apologize. It’s just that, it’s just, well, I don’t want to come off as some Patagonia-wearing hippie guy in a thermal long-sleeved Gap top who rides electro-scooters or drives a Prius and wears Birkenstocks or has one of those wacky wallet-chain fob things hangin’ from his britches and talks about how much he loves MoveOn.org and hates McDonald’s and eats all organic produce and goat cheeses and brushes with Tom’s of Maine toothpaste and would never in a million years think of stepping into a shopping mall because it’s “corporate” and “upscale” and “for the richies”…it’s just that, you know, there’s stuff besides commercialization that we can build to make this city a better place, ya know? Do ya? Ya know?
Know what I’m sayyyin’, do ya?
Anywho, besides seeing you all dead and gone – and I would so love that - there is one more thing I would thoroughly enjoy, want to hear? Here ’tis. I would love to be a homosexual. Yes, that’s right, you heard me. Bigtime homosexual. And once I am old enough to know what a homosexual is, I most certainly plan to become one, and as soon as possible.
Oh look, Raffi is on!
Back again to my purpose for being here: ending the world. Starting right here with you vile weeds and oh hey, hey, you, little lady. Lookin’ good. What, uh, whatcha got goin’ on there? What? Oh, you lookin’ at me? Yeah? Oh, well you know, just me, Stewie, hangin’ in my Huggies, cruisin’ for babes like your pretty self, tooshkins.
God, this incoming tooth is just so bloody painful.
Anyway, look, gotta go. Was browsing the Google the other day and came across this well-versed intellectual man who says he wants to meet me. Sounds pretty cool. Made me promises of Diet Fresca and candy. Hopefully he’ll have Starburst when he comes over later. Who knows, maybe we’ll hold hands.
Now, if you will humor me, take a look into this Gamma Death Ray gun thing I hold in my hands. Yes, yes, that’s right. Just like that. Keep staring, keep staring, keep staring…POW! ZAP! HA! Victory is mine!
What the?
It’s just water propelling out this thing! What the Deuce?
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Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
Tobacco Ave.: the gift that just keeps on giving.
hmmm… is there diet fresca??? it already is sugar and calorie free…. would the diet fresca actually have a negative calorie count??? where could one find this wonderful drink??? hmmm, starburst?
[...] Griffin gives us *his* version of the Downtown Master [...]