Tobacco Avenue

Willow Ufgood, star of the 1988 motion picture that bears his first name, arrived in Richmond on horseback yesterday to re-stake his claim as the rightful owner of the local lawn that also carries his name.

“I shall take back what is rightfully mine and make this lawn my home again with the lady Sorsha and, hey!  Where the hell did the Tower Records go?” said the Hobbit-like little man, brandishing the Sword of Honor from his sheath before ducking into the newly-opened Jason’s Deli for a quick bite.  “Really wanted to pick up the new Three Doors Down CD, but I guess I’ll have to go someplace else.” 

Willow admitted that his short stature put him at a disadvantage over taller folks, but “that shouldn’t give people a reason to take advantage of me like this, for example, by putting a Starbucks in the same spot where my horses used to be stabled.”

“You may not realize it now, but I am the bravest of all the Nelwyns and will rid this lawn of all the evil-doers who have pillaged my land,” Willow said, “and, like seriously, you guys actually put in Kroger here?  This is total bullcrap.”

Willow explained that the lawn was to remain a farm while he was off trying save baby Elora and conquer the evil Queen Bavmorda.  “It was not - I repeat, was not - to become some place where you could just drop a Panera [Bread] and Chipotle, each within a year of one another, without my blessing,” he continued.

Added Willow: “Though the Krispy Kreme across the street is a pretty nice touch, I’ll admit.”

Willow noted that, while he has always wanted to be a sorcerer, he would settle for becoming the general manager of the new Five Guys Burgers & Fries or, at the very least, “running one of those crappy stores in the mall part of the lawn.”