August 05, 2008
Historians said today that they have uncovered an extra four verses of the Holy Bible, all undoubtedly making direct references to the Ukrop’s grocery chain and its policy of staying closed on Sundays.
The findings, researchers at the University of Virginia said, may shed new light on several wholesome practices used by the 
family-owned grocer, particularly its lack of Sunday hours, prohibition of alcohol sales and popular prepared food items.
One particular entry – which U.Va associate professor Katy M. Groff says will replace what has long been considered Genesis 2:5 – reads that, “on the seventh day, God rested, and as he did, he became famished for some crunchy, slightly greasy fried chicken with a side order of potato wedges, then realized he had mandated that all Ukrop’s stores stay closed on Sundays, so he decided to continue sleeping.”
That verse, Groff says, not only shows that God intended for Ukrop’s to be closed on “the seventh day,” but presents evidence that the Virginia grocer could be older than its reported 1937 founding.
“It could very well mean the company may have been established within the first six days of Earth’s existence,” she said, noting that, after realizing Ukrop’s was not open, God drove to a nearby Chick-fil-A before remembering that the high-end fast-food chain was closed on Sundays, as well.
But perhaps one of the most intriguing new Bible verses is found in Chapter 22 of Luke, Groff explained, where the transcript goes into detail on the foods served during the Last Supper: “And the LORD said, ‘Pass me thy Ukrop’s white chicken salad, which doesn’t necessarily represent me, nor should you eat in remembrance of me, though I must say, this stuff is absolutely delightful for picnics and well-known Biblical dinners such as this one.’”
Groff also noted that the long-held scholarly belief that Jesus drank wine and broke bread at the Last Supper “is only partly true.”
“It appears from these updated verses that, since the Lord was a dedicated Ukrop’s shopper and hated going to Kroger, he was unable to purchase alcohol and instead chose the grocer’s sweet tea to symbolize his blood,” she said. “And it wasn’t just any regular old bread he broke. No, no. Ukrop’s White House rolls, of course.”
Company officials expressed joy at the findings.
“We have always operated our business with strong familial and Christian beliefs, by not selling alcohol and giving our employees a day of rest on Sunday,” said Ukrop’s president Robert S. “Bobby” Ukrop. “To hear that we’re actually in the Bible really solidifies those values for us. And everyone has always known the chicken salad at Ukrop’s was amazing, but to have the most-respected guy of all time reaffirm that for us truly is something special.”
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