July 17, 2008
Richmond Mayor L. Douglas Wilder yesterday ensured citizens that the city has been “fully protected” against any form of Andy Dick-related occurrence, including stand-up shows, commentary, or visits to the Virginia capital by the actor and comedian.
The ban earmarks nearly $22 million in grant funding from the Federal Andy Dick Protection Act, a measure passed in 20
06 by President Bush that will cover expenses for construction of an Andy Dickwall around Richmond’s downtown; a moat to prevent water-bound entry of the comedian; Andy Dickproofing of all comedy clubs, theaters and homes; and several extra protections that will offer the city complete Andy Dickification.
“We have taken steps to guarantee that our city has been fully Andy Dickifed, preventing any Andy Dick-related events or sightings by this outrageous former Newsradio star,” Wilder said in a statement. The press release noted that all Andy Dick-based acts have been prohibited within the city limits, including the 42-year-old’s well-documented cases of indecent exposure, lewd sexual acts, drug abuse, public urination and other forms of “wide-ranging and unfunny Dick-based comedy.”
Members of the National Guard will also be positioned every five miles around the 62-square mile city manning fortified Anti-Andy Dickcraft guns, Wilder said, with instructions to “shoot on sight.”
“Rest assured that Andy Dick will never see the light of day in this city,” Wilder said. ”Our long nightmare of his possible presence here, ever, is over.”
The Andy Dick move comes on the heels of the mayor’s five-color Lohanization Threat Level Chart and the General Assembly’s proposed referendum for a statewide Miley Cyrus-references limit of two per day.
Comments
No Comment
Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
“No ‘Dick related incidents”‘ in the city, eh?
We got it straight from the ‘dickheads’ (or isn’t “head dicks”) mouth. No we know the rest of the story.