Tobacco Avenue

Richmond-area girlfriend Audrey Rankin said yesterday that she has dropped her boyfriend-interest rate by nearly 74 points in a move that is expected to help stimulate her partner’s investment into their two-year relationship.

The couple, according to Rankin, has been on the decline for the past six months amid boyfriend Andrew Adams’ housing-together fears, a slump in the hanging-out together and flower-purchasing sectors and indication that his waistline may be seeing early signs of inflation.

Yesterday’s drop in the key intimacy rate marked the biggest reduction on record since September 2007, when the pair battled the adverse impacts of Adams’ increased bar spending, his aggressive borrowing of Rankin’s Ford Explorer and this one incident where he drunk-dialed his ex.

“Perhaps by cutting these key interest rates, he’ll come around to realize how much he’s been taking me for granted,” said Rankin, hoping to spur investment by Adams in the precious stones securities markets, particularly that of a princess-cut diamond engagement ring.

Nationally, both boyfriend- and girlfriend- interest-rate cuts are down an average of 52 points year-over-year, and insiders say such decreases could help couples stave off eventual recessions from one another.

“These cuts indeed could help girlfriends hedge against the sinking value of the boyfriend dollar,” said couples analyst Morgan Flint.  “At worst, however, this could all backfire as men may choose to outsource key relationship aspects into the foreign women’s marketplace - such the sexual services industry - which, domestically, could just be devastating for their partnerships.”