Tobacco Avenue

Richmonders were relieved but remained closely-guarded today after learning that an entire week had passed since there was any form of local government controversy. 

The seven straight days marks a record period for the city not having to deal with corruption, audits, resignation of a top-ranking official, a vote-recount, an upheaval, fights over spending or any other form of mayoral-, city council-, schools- or public nudity- related political wrangling. 

However, experts note, the rather horrifyingly tranquil political climate is not expected to last as the relatively relaxed summer months eventually come to a close.

“I remember there was a pretty big audit of something last week in the news, and I’m starting to feel like perhaps this is the calm before the storm,” said visibly nervous city resident Tara Findley, 34.  “But really, as these past few days have gone by, it’s pretty refreshing to not have to wake up to a 32-point font headline in the newspaper about, say, some sex scandal involving a jail inmate and guard caught half-naked on a high school football field.”

Speaking at a press conference this morning, Mayor L. Douglas Wilder called the one-week controversy-hiatus “a proud moment for the city.”  He then released seven white doves from the steps of City Hall, each bird symbolizing a peaceful day that has passed without criticism toward his office, calls for his resignation or a reported misuse of government-issued credit cards at a Sam’s Club, a Mattress Warehouse or for downloading barely-legal pornography off of city computers.

“About a year ago I can remember standing here with [City Council President] Bill [Pantele], arguing over whether our employees truly needed TI-81 scientific calculators or if we could just do with solar-powered Casios,” Wilder said.  “It’s nice to see that we’ve come to our senses over such matters, if only for a small while.”

“Though I still say they need the TI-81s,” he added, as a small crowd of reporters chuckled.

However, the mayor warned, such a serene political scene could come to an end next week, as City Council plans to debate whether to replace paper-towel dispensers in local government restrooms with hot-air blowers, a move that could save as much as $7 a year to go toward schools spending.

At least one political onlooker said the quiet, however bone-chilling, could be due to the relative calm of the summer months.

“The dynamic you’re seeing here is symbolic of the fact that we are amid roughly 12 weeks where there’s a slowed work pace at offices, people go on vacation, and fewer elected officials spend time bickering over whether seeing-eye pot-bellied pigs should be treated the same as dogs inside of public schools,” said Cristina Woods, a political science professor at Virginia Commonwealth University.  “Sadly, we can say with certainty that this era of peace will all be over very, very soon.”

Residents seemed just as pleased with the down-low political climate week, though remained leery of what’s in store.

“After not seeing anything in the news this week, I thought for sure that someone on the school board would come forward and say they were gay or transsexual, and they’d be married and have three kids, and it would be, like, this huge thing that everyone would be talking about,” said Josh Cottrell, a 43-year-old Fan resident.  “But either way, it’s been great to wake up and see stories about the stuff other places are having to deal with, like Iowa flooding or some bombing or what-have-you in Israel or Palestine or Yucatan or wherever.”

Wilder noted that if the paper-towel and hot-air blower debate is passed over by council members next week, he has plans in the works for the quiet to “definitively come to a screeching halt” at 1:02 p.m. on July 17.