June 13, 2008
Tobacco Avenue reporter Gregory Von Holmes recently caught up with that homeless woman, you know her, who hangs around downtown and always needs money “for the bus to Hanover County.” Here was our interview.
Tobacco Avenue: How are you today?
Woman Downtown Who Always Needs Money For The Bus To Hanover: I’m doing well, thanks. I don’t mean to bother you, but could you spare two dollars? My car broke down and I need some money for the bus to Hanover.
TA: Oh really? Then where is your car?
WDWANMFTBTH: Down there around the corner. I promise. I swear, sir, please. I’m trying to get home. If you could just give me two dollars I’d be-
TA: Are you sure you’re not going to use this money for the procurement of crack cocaine?
WDWANMFTBTH: No sir, I don’t do drugs. I just need some money, see, my cousin is up in Hanover and, well, my daughter is waiting for me in the car and I need to get back to-
TA: You don’t do drugs? Then why are your teeth missing? And what is your daughter’s name and age?
WDWANMFTBTH: No. Fell down some stairs. Sherese, 13.
TA: What month and year was she born?
WDWANMFTBTH: April 1995.
TA: What’s the capital of Idaho?
WDWANMFTBTH: Boise.
TA: Who was Akira Isogawa?
WDWANMFTBTH: A Japanese-born contemporary fashion designer who immigrated to Australia in 1986, concentrating largely on women’s fashion. His commercially-popular eccentric designs are sold in 16 countries around the world and are inspired largely by his younger years growing up in Japan.
TA: Damn you’re good.
WDWANMFTBTH: Can I get that two dollars now?
TA: Have you ever thought of changing up your story a bit? You know, many homeless people just admit they want to buy beer or drugs and make a lot more money by just being honest.
WDWANMFTBTH: You know, it is funny you mentioned that. I have thought for so long about bringing on a marketing director or someone to really fine-tune my “message of need.” About a year ago, I hired a consultant who gave me some pointers in exchange for a trash bag of aluminum cans. He suggested the “Bus to Hanover” idea. And it really does work sometimes, you just would not imagine the things people will believe. The county is really far away. I look disheveled. And I have this great excuse that my car is nearby, albeit just out of sight, around the corner.
TA: So you admit, then, that you don’t have to go to Hanover.
WDWANMFTBTH: No.
TA: Is it drugs?
WDWANMFTBTH: Yeah.
TA: Crack?
WDWANMFTBTH: Nah.
TA: Horse?
WDWANMFTBTH: Yeah.
TA: That’s understandable. Like you, I’ve always found crack to really leave a bad taste in my mouth, which is why, a few years back, I started doing the heroin thing. Never felt better! It is so one of my favorite recreational drugs, great for house parties, boat parties or some plain old-fashioned drug parties! You know what else is great? Have you ever mixed corn starch and water? It makes the weirdest substance. You don’t use it as drugs – I mean, I guess you could - but it’s kind of like a Play-Doh thing, sort of liquidy, kind of solid. I first did it back in preschool. If you think heroin is great, you should try ”the starch.” And make sure it’s Argo brand corn starch. The other white stuff, as I call it. Anywho, here’s that two bucks you needed for your heroin.
WDWANMFTBTH: Right. Thank you sir.
TA: And don’t you forget what I said about that corn starch! Don’t you go lying to me, now! Have a good one, babycakes.
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The beginning comments of “WDWANMFTBTH” were so dead on, I would have sworn I was reading a transcript of conversations I have had with a similar woman several times throughout the city. In fact, over the 10 years I have been in Richmond, one particular lady has hit me up for funds with the “broken down car” story at the Science Museum parking lot, Carytown Krogers (twice, three years apart), 3200 block of Carytown and the John Marshall courts parking deck…same woman each time. She astounds me at her persistence and loyalty to the same tale. Either that or she really needs to ditch that broken down car and start taking the bus.
I’ve run into the women’s basketball coach of W & M two times. He is always needing bus money to Williamsburg. Even better he’s got identification.
There’s another guy who works the Lowe’s parking lot. In lieu of cash I offered him a ride to Chesterfield, but he was unwilling to put his wheelchair in the car.
I love it!!! There is this blonde chick with glasses who always sits at the Belvidere exit off of 95 – with a sign that says something to the effect of “rent late – 2 kids”, etc etc. Yet she has been seen in that location approx. 2 years and before that she sat out in front of the Wachovia on Broad St across from the 3600 building – same sign and everything. It cracks me up how they use the same crap signs to try to get money – like none of us will notice. Actually, in talking with a friend of mine who also lives in the city, we are convinced that the people who continuously give these people money are people who live outside the city and are not used to seeing their bs signs everyday.
When Mugatu lived off Laburnum exit in North Side, there were plenty of snaggle toothers always asking for $$….try giving them a state unemployment info voucher under the guise of money…and watch em yell at you when they figure out there’s no cash value…..that always pisses em off…