Tobacco Avenue

Proving his sheer ultimate manliness above all other Richmond-born males, city resident Henry Chase Hager formally declared his dating prowess this weekend after marrying a daughter of the president of the United States.

Gallantly arriving in a black Chevrolet Suburban to a local press conference, Hager stepped onto a rolled red carpet and, as if in slow motion, removed a pair of black sunglasses from his face and cleaned the lenses with a corner of his two-button black suit, presumably bought at Brooks Brothers.  Hager, 30, then addressed all similar-aged men in Richmond.

“You boys keep going out to your Robinson Street bars, like I did; trying to pick up women, just as I once did; and continuously failing, which I obviously cannot do no matter how hard I try,” Hager said, pounding his chest with his fists.  “Should you need me, I’ll be…hmm, where will I be?  Oh, that’s right!  I remember now! On a honeymooon with Jenna Bush.“ 

“Boo-yah!” Hager added, kicking a foot into the air and pumping his arm as if to pull-start a lawnmower. 

Hager, who was quick to note that “my knockout of a wife Jenna looked better than your bride ever will,” told reporters that the Saturday evening wedding went off without a hitch.

“And did I mention the part where, over the course of five minutes, the president became my father in-law?”  Hager said, explaining that he and President Bush - “singlehandedly the most powerful person on the face of the planet, who is now related to me, which is completely awesome” - stayed up until the early morning hours drinking ice-cold beers.  “But of course, most of us will get to do that at some point in our lives.”

“And by ‘most of us,’ I mean ‘me,’” added Hager, son of the chairman of the Republican Party of Virginia.  “Is what I’ve accomplished over the weekend the ultimate act of love?  Maybe.  The ultimate act of toughness on a scale unparalleled, unprecedented and unequaled by any other warm-blooded heterosexual man alive today?  Now that’s more like it.”