April 29, 2008
Seventeen members of Richmond’s SEAL Team Physical Training group were accidentally dispatched on a highly classified reconnaissance mission to Russia over the weekend, sources confirmed today.
The “understandable mix-up,” a person close to the situation who asked not to be named said, took place after trainees underwent a full hour of strenuous exercise in Byrd Park, which included several rounds of bear walks, crunches and sprints.
Afterward, a small group was pulled from the crowd and flown to an undisclosed location deep within former Soviet territory to locate a downed American fighter pilot, the source said.
SEAL Team, as it is known, is a Richmond fitness program that mimics the physical and mental endurance training by the U.S. Navy SEALs, the most rigorously-disciplined members of the military.
“Richmonders who take part in SEAL training are well-accustomed to heavy early-morning exercise and having orders barked at them,” the source said. “Unfortunately, that really meant nothing when it came time dive into a sub-zero degree lake and, using nothing but a seven-inch tactical blade of powder-coated stainless steel, break through a two-foot thick sheet of ice then turn around and use the same knife to silently remove an enemy’s jugular.”
“After having only four hours of sleep,” the source added.
On Friday, members of the exercise group were given a pep talk about how SEAL Team training can make them better people in their work and social lives, then were told to sprint two miles around the park. Seventeen of the most advanced participants were then led to a fueled and waiting C-130, transported nearly 8,000 miles over the Atlantic Ocean and Europe, then pushed from the rear of the cargo plane in full frogman gear, all incorrectly under the impression that it was just part of the normal exercise routine.
“It’s kind of funny, it wasn’t until the [corporal] handed me three live grenades that I started to wonder if something weird was going on,” said Thomas Mullins, a local corporate attorney. “But then I just told myself, ‘These guys know what they’re doing,’ and kept moving, hemorrhaging thigh wound and all.”
Armed with water bottles, work-out gloves and air-cooled, gas-operated light machine guns, the SEAL Team members dropped into Russia clothed only in shorts, running shoes and the standard navy blue short-sleeved T-shirts received with an annual membership, Mullins said.
The group was quickly replaced with real Navy SEALs once officials realized there had been an accident, the source said.
SEAL Team member and Henrico County waitress Jennifer Lutman said she was happy to be back to Virginia after the brief mission.
“It is pretty tough to get up before the sun, then sprint and do nonstop physical activity,” she said. “Really though, all that didn’t compare to charging up a hill covered head to toe in mud, lugging an anti-tank rocket launcher on my back under rounds being fired from the disintegrating ammo belt of an enemy’s M13.”
“It’s good to be home, I’m sore, and every bone in my body hurts,” she said. “But I’ll be back out there tomorrow morning, no doubt about it.”
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[...] April 29, 2008 Filed under: Links — tingaling @ 8:02 pm An “article” about Seal Team on Tobacco Avenue. [...]
Within the group of Frisbee-golfers who play regularly in the Dogwood Dell area, the wannabe SEALs doing calisthenics in their workout outfits have been good for laughs for some time.
We joke about them being called up for duty in Iraq, along with Boy Scouts, etc., due to a shortage of National Guard personnel.
What’s a ‘frisbee-golfer’
Tobacco Avenue is completely satirical, fictitious, entertaining, and creative blog. What is not so fictitious is the SEAL Team Physical Training program. After nearly 6 years/ close to 5 days a week; of joining hundreds of other motivated individuals at 5:45am, 9:30am, or 6pm – I’ve not only gained physical endourance, strength, and great health – but seen some beautiful part of this city, and now truly what it means to be a team player. So after your laugh, strap on your workout shoes, and come join the best group of individuals and instructors you’ve ever met. I did, and have never looked back or regretted a single minute of it. OK, perhaps when out of breath, or on my 100th push up, or at the end of a long James River boat paddle with 6 other SEAL Team members cheering me on – but after all isn’t that what life is truly about?