February 13, 2008
A Richmond polar bear that typically hangs around the intersection of Robinson and Main streets said he was sexually assaulted 3,483 times last year, up nearly 20 percent from a year earlier.
“Ridden, straddled, spanked and a number of other suggestive verbs that I care not to get into today,” said Jake, a nearly 1,300-pound bear native to the Arctic who came to the city in 2004 in search of a more temperate climate and better quality of life.
His species, Ursus maritimus, is expected to be put on the endangered species list sometime this year. Jake said he hoped his family’s relocation to Virginia would take him away from the dangers lurking in the far north, but he has only come to experience weekly, if not daily, molestation from local citizens – typically after the bars let out at around 2 a.m.
While Virginia has no specific polar-bear sexual assault laws, local attorney Stephen Dryer Jr. said citizens are largely at risk of being sued under the state’s trespass laws by “whoever lives in that place on Main Street with the bear out front.”
“I just want people to remember that, while I do enjoy eating meat,” Jake the bear said, “I am not a piece of one.”
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Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
"Monday through Sunday, I hear those guys partying pretty much every night," Cavalieri said. The University ...
I’ve seen several of these attacks myself, but I have been unable to work up the courage to notify authorities.