December 20, 2007
The fast-growing Virginia Commonwealth University yesterday announced nearly 100 projects that could change the face of human existence within four years - including a trip to Mars and a cure for more than 200 types of cancer, or all of them.
In addition, VCU – which just completed a multimillion-dollar business school; is constructing an advertising school; has a growing enrollment at its 11-year old engineering school; is quickly becoming a player in research and development at its affiliated biotechnology park in which Philip Morris USA just built a 500-employee, $350 million high-tech complex; has ongoing construction at its medical center; has its own high-definition television station; has a nationally-recognized basketball program and arts school; and a Chick-fil-A in its student commons and Five Guys burgers pretty much campus – announced a number of other initiatives that, if completed, could forever change the way men and women on Earth subsist throughout the ever-present and continual passage of time.
“Destination: Mars and cancer,” VCU president Eugene P. Trani said at a press conference yesterday announcing the four-year initiative to, in essence, completely alter the face of the planet. “And AIDS, poverty, world peace, high-speed Internet, free flat-panel TVs and iPhones for everyone, those three psychics from ‘Minority Report’ only for real, a Starbucks on every corner, zero-gravity gyms, reverse microwaves that chill things quickly and reduced gas prices.
“Wait, did I say gas? I meant free salt water,” Trani added to laughter, “the new oil.”
VCU professor Viktor Jorgensen has created an engine that can power homes, buildings and vehicles for years and run on just two gallons of ocean water, the globe’s most abundant natural resource that will never run dry.
“Salinelectric power is certain to change the way people keep warm and travel – that is, if you really need cars by 2012,” said Jorgensen, who is near completion on an instrument that will allow people to snap their fingers and instantly be back home from long road trips.
VCU’s international studies program announced a plan titled “Operation Free Omaha Steaks and Whatever Anyone Wants Except More Deaths” to end all world conflicts such as those in Iraq, Darfur and Jammu and Kashmir. “Most people have never even heard of that last one,” said VCU international studies professor Rupak Nariz, of the near-war between India and Pakistan over control of the a mountainous region of the Himalayas. “Luckily, everyone loves a year’s supply of delicious Porterhouse steaks, and, in this case, tickets to the upcoming Cher tour. It was what they wanted.”
Over at VCU Medical Center, doctors have developed a pill that will not only let people enter their desired weight into a computer and see results within two weeks, but carve out their dream body, as well. The only side effect to the treatment is extreme cases of happiness and joy, Trani said.
In addition, he said, the same researchers in the medical center have developed a prototype of a device that will bring Chris Farley, Phil Hartman and John Belushi back from the dead, guaranteeing more hilarious skits and movies from the late comedians including “Animal House 2″ in 2014.
Trani said the school’s sociology department has also found a way to please both sides of more than 50 social issues including abortion, animal rights, euthanasia, affirmative action, jocks, the drinking age, gay rights, coffee mugs and O’Fallon, Mo. resident Alex McCabe.
After his remarks, Trani walked to the engineering school, where researchers are developing a Bic pen large enough to allow the shotgunning of an entire keg, and figuring out a way for all young children to participate in the Nickelodeon/Toys ‘R’ Us Super Toy Run.
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Guy Who Lives Above 3 Monkeys Tired Of Asking Everyone To Keep It Down
Nick Cavalieri, who has lived in the apartment directly above 3 Monkeys Bar and Grill since November, is getting "more than fed up" with having to continuously tell his neighbors to be quiet, the 30-year-old said today.
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http://www.oregonhill.net/2007/09/19/trani-and-tobacco/