July 08, 2009
Richmond is such a great town, and I’ve always liked to believe that I have the best view of anyone. To the south, the river; to the east, downtown. No matter which way you look, my perch here in Byrd Park has it all.
And don’t you love having such a cool-looking tower near where you live, work and play? Isn’t it great driving by m
e and being all like, “Look at that awesome testament to Virginia’s brave World War I soldiers, memorialized for all to see!”
Uh, what?
Unreal.
You didn’t know that World War I is what I was build for? You had no idea. Let me get this straight: You guys haven’t the foggiest clue as to why I’m standing here, do you?
Typical. Such typical Richmonder behavior. You guys have all this historical and important stuff around you and you don’t even take the time to get to know what it is.
Hell, you may not even know my name. “Oh, the brick tower thing!” you might say. “I love that thing!”
“That thing looks neat or whatever! I’m stupid and ignorant of my surroundings and duh duh duh duh duh duh!”
You know what? I’m not a thing, guys. I have a name: the Carillon.
I bet you’re one of those people that, even if you did know my name, you probably don’t even know how to spell it. Tons of people throw in an extra “i,” making it spelled “Carillion.” Others double up the “r’s” or they spell it with only one “l,” and you know why? Because people don’t care. They don’t care about history.
And they don’t care about me.
Some of you probably think I’m a lighthouse (see any tall ships around here?), or maybe a tower built in tribute to a single important historical figure (Robert E. Lee I could see, but that’s about it, though Arthur Ashe maybe, too).
More than likely, your best guess as to what I am probably is “something to do with the Civil War.” NOT EVERYTHING IN RICHMOND DOES, OKAY? There were other wars fought by Virginians too, you know. World War I was a biggie.
Involved the whole world, which last time I checked includes Virginia.
Oh, and here’s a pop quiz for you: How many bells are in my tower? You didn’t even know I had bells, did you? Or that they even ring on special occasions?
Fifty-three bells, down from the original 66 from when I was built in 1931.
Un. Be. Lievable.
Tell you what. You guys just go on living, jogging on by admiring my graceful beauty, going out with friends during the weekend. Get all drunked up because that’s all that matters to you kids anymore. Drink it up, folks, taste the blindness you feel for your remarkable, historic surroundings. Tastes precious, don’t it?
Hey, you gonna pass me one of those beers?
July 07, 2009
Richmond alternative weekly newspaper Brick is apparently still in publication and, from what we are hearing, can be found around newsstands and stores throughout the city, sources confirmed today.
“Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I thought [Brick] was long gone but then I saw it on the rack at a convenience store the other day,” said Fan resident Amanda Simpson, noting the publication had shrunk “an extraordinary amount” and was filled largely with pictures and “possibly” an advertisement or two. “I had to pick it up just to see if it was really Brick.”
“But then I put it back down,” added the 22-year-old single college graduate, a teacher who makes between $20,000 to $50,000 a year.
With approximately 31 to 50 readers in the Richmond metropolitan area, Brick, it seems, is also publishing articles here and there.
“I guess if you can classify an article as someone on the Brick staff writing a story about the Brick staff hanging out together, then yeah, the thing is filled with articles,” said 32-year-old David Cutler, who thinks he possibly remembers seeing Brick recently on a table at some restaurant somewhere, though maybe not.
Launched in 2006, the newspaper is ranked the No. 17 most popular alternative publication in the city after No. 1 Style and 15 other largely-unknown weeklies.
July 06, 2009
With yet another plan for a ballpark being pitched at a riverside site across from downtown, roughly 1.2 million Richmond residents today beseeched city leaders to, for the love of God, please make it stop.
“At this point, I guess I support baseball in Richmond or whatever, but if we have to go through a few more years of studies and news reports and public forums about this crap, I swear, I’m going for the gun,” said North Side resident William Wright, noting that he is only half-joking. “What do they want? Is this about my money?”
Added Wright, handing over his wallet to a reporter: “Here, take all I’ve got.”
Many city residents echoed his comments. One woman interviewed for this story said she would rather be buried alive than read yet another newspaper story on where funding would come from for a new baseball field.
Several citizens mentioned that, should another proposal be “pitched” or “put onto the table,” they would fall back into their illegal drug habits, turn to alcoholism, or gleefully spend hours alone crying in a living room with the blinds tightly drawn.
Also: Jesus Tapdancing Christ, here we go again.
The reactions come on the heels of an informal discussion to build a ballpark on 17.5-acres on the south bank of the James River. Upon hearing the latest idea for baseball – less than a week after a similar plan in Shockoe Bottom was nixed – many city residents fell to the ground, crying, begging for relief.
“Dear Lord, I understand that while taxpayer dollars would be required to fund a stadium, along with support from regional entities and done in ways that are consistent with the Downtown Master Plan,” Fan resident Francis Clements prayed, “but if this means hearing about this for the next several years, I would rather you take my first-born.”
July 02, 2009
A quick check of the Richmond-area celebrity population has found that none have died during the past two weeks after the recent outbreak of high-profile celebrity passings, according to an informal survey by researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University.
The study – in which researchers browsed through obituaries, attended concerts to make sure local musicians were still breathing, and watched TV news to make sure all reporters and anchors remained cognizant of their surroundings – concluded that no local well-known personalities had been found dead in the past week either by natural causes or foul play.
“When you look at what a horrible two weeks it has been in Hollywood, with Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett and so on, you just have to be thankful that Richmond really came out on top in this one,” said Patricia Sherman, a sociology professor and lead author of the study. “Our city still has all of its talented local musicians, reporters, actors, and even bloggers, if you consider bloggers celebrities.”
“Which I do not,” she added.
Since no celebrities have died, Sherman said, she ruled out several causes of death, including murder, falling headfirst into an active volcano after a skydiving accident gone awry, being torn apart limb-by-limb by a gaggle of geese, or attending a Jonas Brothers concert.
June 30, 2009
Famed local artist Ed Trask, known for his Americana-themed murals on the sides of numerous buildings around Richmond, said today that he will paint his latest composition onto the 12-mile strech of the Powhite Parkway.
Entited “Visions of Regionalism,” the mural will be placed on both the north- and south-bound lanes of the Powhite startin
g this fall. The toll road, which opened in 1973, will be closed for approximately six months during the mural’s development, rerouting traffic onto nearby roads throughout Chesterfield County.
“What I want this composition to symbolize and evoke is the need to bring the various communities in the Richmond area together and work as one,” Trask said. “Plus, painting on a road seems like it’d be kind of cool, I’ve never done that before.”
Still, while Trask believes the road mural will add an “implicit beauty” to Virginia State Route 76 – as the Powhite is technically known – there have been detractors to the project. Critics have complained that the mural will cover up the toll road’s single- and dotted-white lines, typically necessary for alleviating traffic flow, along with the “STAY IN LANE” on-road signage near the E-ZPass terminals.
However, notes Trask: “I wouldn’t worry too much about that.”
June 29, 2009
City officials today named the first Chief Administrative Rolling On Floor Laughing Officer, charged with ensuring that Richmond residents are provided with a dose of laughter each day – particularly while rolling on the floor, if the situation is humorous enough.
John L. Warren, who came to Richmond from Louisville, Ky. after serving for three years as its CALOLO, will move into his position as CAROFLO effective July 1. The position, which requires creating circumstances that result in uproarious laughter for city residents, will earn him $60,000 a year.
While Richmond has long had a CIO and CTO – along with a newly-appointed CAO - the CAROFLO will focus on generating ample opportunities for LOLs, C[huckle]OLs, LMAOs and the highly-rare ROFLMAO for citizens of all racial and economic backgrounds.
Warren said he will strive to be an “equal opportunity offender,” pulling a variety of pranks and cracking jokes at “anybody and anything’s expense.”
“Nothing is going to be sacred,” the 42-year-old Warren said, noting there is no such thing as “too soon” in making light of tragedy, so long as the joke leads to the cracking of smiles, grins, or the spitting of one’s cereal or coffee onto a computer monitor.
Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones praised the CAROFLO’s willingness to push the envelope in order to create ROFLs and even higher forms of acronym-based laughter, such as the ROFL-copter.
“While we work to improve our struggling educational system and ensure that tax rates are kept low, the CARFOLO wants to make sure that all of our city’s residents are adequately chuckled each and every day,” said Richmond Mayor Dwight Jones, flanked to his right by Warren, who was wearing a red clown nose while maintaining a serious look on his face.
“As you can see, John really has what it takes to make all of us LOL from time to time,” added Jones, who then rolled around on the floor until his ass became detached from his body.
June 25, 2009
Virginia Gov. Timothy M. Kaine’s whereabouts are known, officials confirmed today, saying the leader of the state is still in Richmond and, furthermore, is not anywhere near South America.
“I can tell you that the governor is here and doing lots of governy stuff, like working hard to improve our state’s educational and transportation systems, cleaning up the environment and trying to balance the budget,” said Kaine spokesman Michael Thaney, who noted that the head of the 10th U.S. state also spent Father’s Day with his wife and three children, and did not, under any circumstances, fly to Argentina to meet another woman. “As that would have been insane, and Tim is actually a pretty normal, straight-shooter kind of guy.”
The spokesman also noted that, should Kaine have the desire to hike the Appalachian Trail, he would actually walk along points of the 2,175-mile trail, and would not lie about something like that.
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