November 24, 2009
According to various sources, get the hell out of here! Run! You gotta go now! Now! This whole place is about to go up in flames!
“Leave me behind, save yourself, you hear me? Get the hell out of here,” one source said, noting they’re coming for us all, and, additionally, requested that you tell Rebecca that he loves her. “You gotta run! Run as fast as you can!”
Added the source: “The chopper is waiting, hurry!”
Several sources with knowledge of the situation but who are not authorized to speak on the matter also confirmed that Mark died in the initial blast, but we can’t think about that right now because you gotta keep your head together and get the hell out of here, no, no, no, we’re not going back, you have got to keep moving, goddammit John, listen to me, listen to me! LISTEN TO ME! We’re not going to make it out of here alive if we don’t keep moving, you have to pull yourself together, Jesus Christ it’s on my leg, get it off, get it off! Argh! They’re getting closer! The whole place is about to blow, dammit we’re not gotta make it to the helicopter! They’re gonna leave us here! Run!
Richmond City Councilman E. Martin “Marty” Jewell expressed dismay to reporters this morning over having to work the soup kitchen line on Thanksgiving Day, part of a photo opportunity that will unfortunately prevent him from having “an actual day off.”
“I mean, it’ll get me on the front of the paper and on the news, but like, scooping corn pudding and cranberry sauce onto homeless people’s trays? I don’t wanna,” said a visibly upset Jewell, noting he will miss his own family’s Thanksgiving dinner and likely be forced to eat leftovers. “This sucks.”
The 5th District councilman expressed further dread at having to wake up “at the crack of frigging dawn,” whereas – prior to being elected to one of the highest seats in local government – he normally enjoys waking up late, moping around in his jammies, and tearing into a bottle of scotch by noon at the latest.
Added Jewell: “Ugh, do I hafta?”
The councilman said that he would be sure to monitor his alcohol consumption and “keep it under the legal limit this time,” or at the very least take the back way home.
November 19, 2009
Capitol Square, the 4-acre home to Virginia’s most prominent government buildings and the historic State Capitol, is “technically a trapezoid,” a leading geometric expert said today.
“I mean I don’t want to split hairs here, but I’m surprised you guys never figured this out,” said Virginia Commonwealth University math professor Ian J. Haley, drawing a red line (pictured above) around the four streets that comprise what he calls the Capitol Trapezoid. “That thing is clearly a four sided figure, but it only has one pair of parallel sides.”
“Unlike a square, which has two pairs of parallel sides,” Haley added. “Duh.”
While the professor noted that the term “square” can also be defined as the center of town or a “plaza of sorts,” Haley dismissed such a notion as nonsense when referring to Capitol Square, established more than 200 years ago.
“The fact is, those responsible for upkeep of Capitol Square have been misrepresenting this venerable plot of land for decades,” Haley said. “Tourists, including school kids, have been visiting this so-called ‘Square’ for as long as anyone can remember, only to realize now that there was never any symmetry to it all.”
The mathematical discovery sent shockwaves throughout the world of Virginia geometry, causing experts to re-measure several iconic city and state shapes that make coordinate-specific claims in their names. Late yesterday, after mathematicians found that its ratio of circumference to diameter was indeed 3.14, or Pi, Monument Avenue’s Stuart Circle was confirmed as such.
Farther east, Haley called Virginia’s Historic Triangle – Yorktown, Jamestown and Williamsburg – a “complete farce of spacial-relativity proportions,” as it is not possible to drive, fly or even walk from one place to the other in a fully-straight line.
As of press time, Haley said experts had still not taken official measurements of the Pentagon.
November 18, 2009
Taking a few moments to talk to reporters on a number of pressing city issues, a visibly-hungry Mayor Dwight Jones addressed members of the media today while eating his lunch.
“Thank you all for coming,” Jones said, approaching the podium with his black leather folio, a long, silver object later confirmed to be a 12-inch meatball sub sandwich, and an already-opened bag of Lay’s potato chips. “We’ve got a lot to discuss today, and my schedule is rather tight, so I hope you don’t mind if I eat during our meeting.”
After tucking a napkin into his collar, Jones unrolled the meatball sub from its heat-containing foil wrap, lifted the sandwich to his mouth with both hands, and took a hearty bite.
He then closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and relished in the moment for approximately seven seconds.
“First and foremost…[inaudible]…existing funds…[inaudible]…this initiative,” the mayor said, appearing to choke on a piece of sub before taking a second gaping bite of the sandwich, apparently unaware that he was dripping marinara sauce all over his notes. “It has become evident…[inaudible]…inability to, I mean…man, that’s a good meatball…inability to meet the demands of…whoops, excuse me, got a little sauce there.”
Added Jones, smacking his lips: “Have any of you ever been to Coppola’s Deli? Good stuff over there.”
After finishing his 4-minute address – along with a sandwich, a side of red potato salad, a pickle and half a bag of potato chips – Jones fielded questions while wiping crumbs and red sauce from the podium.
The mayor, who refused to answer questions regarding his enjoyment of the meatball sub, was asked for a response to recent accusations that the City Council was falling behind on a number of its year-end goals. Jones’ reply, however, was distorted from the rustling of the potato chip bag he had lifted to pour the remaining few crumbs into his gaping maw.
November 13, 2009
According to various local residents, long as they remember the rain’s been coming down, and additionally, clouds of mystery have been pouring and confusion is largely evident on the ground.
A good man through the ages who for several days has been trying to find the sun, Southside resident Stu Fogerty wondered today who, if anyone, would step up and stop the rain.
“And I wonder, still I wonder,” Fogerty asked, “who’ll stop the rain?”
Many local residents have gone as far as to travel down to portions of Virginia seeking shelter from the storm, only to end up caught in a fable, watching towers grow. Others, concerned by the high levels of precipitation, have established five-year plans and new deals wrapped in golden chains.
Even still, most have been left wondering who – if anyone – will stop the rain.
In some parts of the state, residents claimed to have heard singers playing, and cheering for more. One report out of Virginia Beach noted a crowd rushed together and tried to keep warm, but still the rain kept pouring. “Falling on my ears,” noted John Clifford, a 52-year-old city resident.
He added that yesterday and days before the sun was cold and rain was hard, and he knew because it had been that way for all his time.
November 12, 2009
NBC12’s Jim Duncan, the station’s normally jovial and upbeat meteorologist, appeared downtrodden and depressed last night while reporting to viewers news of additional rain and dreary skies throughout Central Virginia.
“More rain in store for us tomorrow, getting heavy in the late morning and early afternoon, but, I don’t know, what really does it matter anymore because it’s probably never going to be sunny ever again,” said Duncan, his voice trailing off. “What is life, really, but a series of rain storms that slowly wash away memories of times past and present, erasing everything we hold so dear to our hearts like an eternal flood upon our desperate, wretched, withering souls.”
“Oh, and inland areas are under a Flood Watch until 9 p.m. [on Thursday],” he added.
Rubbing his temples and showing moments of absolute despair in his tired eyes, Duncan noted that the rain would begin to taper off late Friday evening, just in time for Saturday’s marathon and for him to stop contemplating just falling off the sheer face of the Earth.
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Stuffing-Pipe Break Leaves Thousands Without Necessary Turkey-Hole Filler
Roughly 210,000 homes in the Richmond area have been left without access to an essential Thanksgiving Day food item after freezing cold temperatures caused a 12-inch underground stuffing pipe to break this morning, public utilities officials said.
The pipe, a main artery that carries the breaded turkey dressing directly into homes throughout the ...
